Wordsmoker

You’ll be overjoyed to realize that shiny blond-fondler Hugh Hefner, 84, hid his iron-enriched strawberry lube, covered his adult diaper disposal chute with late 80′s Disney memorabilia, and proposed actual marriage to 24 year old Crystal Harris, a shiny blond fantasy figure, on Christmas Eve.

Crystal – of course – said yes, because Hugh knew that Crystal enjoyed fish-wearing-bras extravaganza The Little Mermaid so much he presented her with his lust-bauble in a “Little Mermaid box”. That, and his millions of dollars twinned with his any-day-now death-rattle, sealed the lover’s deal.

We were up in the bedroom,” Harris, 24, tells PEOPLE, “and my favorite movie is The Little Mermaid, so he had the ring in a Little Mermaid box, and that was so special. I opened it and the first thing he said to me was, ‘I hope it fits!’ “

Adds Hefner, 84, “I got her a little music box with the Mermaid theme to it, and it just looked like the perfect size and the perfect place to be the ring box. So when she started unwrapping that gift, I reached over and wound it so it was playing music while she discovered what was inside.”

Friends of the lovers have noticed the similarities between mermaid/Santa-figure-fantasist Crystal and the actual Little Mermaid herself:

Crystal has that adorable wide-eyed, innocent look of Ariel, the little animated mermaid, although thanks to Crystal’s special cleansing routine, her face can’t show the same wide range of emotion as Ariel, even when undergoing internal discussions about her own life choices. And just like Ariel, Crystal’s showing a wide audience of people how to make a Faustian bargain while being publicly unaware that a lot of horrific events can only await her. And Ariel made a lot of money, just like Crystal hopes to do.

Just like the Little Mermaid herself, Crystal got watery eyes:

Although she cried with happiness, Harris says, “There wasn’t any ‘down-on-one-knee’ or anything like that, because we are not traditional.”

Harris later explained her usage of the word “traditional” in some form of context:

“My 84 year old fiancée has great difficulty in bending, stooping, walking, sitting in an upright position for more than 20 minutes, reaching for objects either imagined or real, running to the bathroom, concentrating, not-drooling, while I myself periodically experience bouts of cognitive dissonance lasting more than six weeks alongside extreme feelings of self-loathing.”

Crystal described the ring as “It’s so pretty”.

The ring is a circle diamond “a little over three karats,” says Harris, “and it’s on platinum setting and it has diamonds all around the band as well. It’s so pretty.”

How did these two disturbing love-birds meet?

The pair met at a Halloween party at the Playboy Mansion in 2008. “We were both psychology majors in school, so there was never a dull moment,” says Harris. “We always had something to talk about. We go to Vegas and stay at his suite at the Palms, we travel all over, and we’ve been to Europe. We have movie nights at home with all our friends, and I have a blast with him. He’s the one with all the energy!”

Harris later explained her usage of the word “energy” in some form of context:

“Thanks to medical advances – and as long as they can afford it – even 84 year old millionaires can get sucked off as they watch Patton on Blu-Ray while they lie back on a leopardskin sofa. Which if they can already afford it, gets them the kind of almost incestuous action they’ve always wanted with what could be reasonably described as a never-ending succession of identikit whores”.

But what about loveable lothario, Hugh? Isn’t he against marriage because of his passion for a never-ending succession of identikit whores?

Hefner, who’s been married (and divorced) twice, admits he has been publicly skeptical about the institution of marriage. “I do think there is a certain reality to the fact that people start to take one another for granted,” the Playboyfounder says.

No! It’s a case of “opposites attract” with this particular identikit whore!

“I just simply found myself in a relationship with Crystal in which I felt, quite frankly, the opposite seemed to be true – that the more committed to one another we were, the closer we got, and the more we loved one another, and I just think this one, for me, will be the exception to the rule.”

Later, a spokesperson for Hefner clarified his “exception to the rule” phrase:

“She looks incredible sucking Hugh’s cock 84 year old cock, and she does it extremely well.”

As the world celebrated the news with a joyful mixture of surprise, momentary sexual empathy and eventual disgust, the biggest stars on the planet expressed their delight at Hugh’s happiness and Crystal’s eventual fortune.

Kendra Wilkinson Tweeted her congratulations to the couple.

The joy is such that Hugh’s other recently retired identikit whore just can’t stay away, who – by chance – has a camera crew following her every scripted move for television.

Harris says. “And then Holly [Madison] is coming here on Wednesday to do film a segment for her Holly’s World show, so it’s going to be cool to have her here to say hi.”

Never mind the Hef’s-kinda-broke-so-it-will-be-eventually-televised wedding! What about children?

Although both are enjoying their engagement and not yet in wedding planning mode, Harris and Hefner agree they are not in family planning mode, either.

Harris later explained her “family planning mode” comment.

“I’m just about handling the relationship as it is, mostly through a selection of prescription drugs and heavy marijuana usage coupled with my deep psychological issues regarding father-figures being expressed through my over-riding avarice. I don’t really know if I’m up to milking the rapidly diminishing amounts of what-could-still-be-described-as semen from a medically-engorged 84 year old penis into a small, stainless-steel bowl, then injecting it into my womb using a turkey-baster as his 84 year old face looks on in joy while calling it a beautiful and touching moment. We’ll see how it goes.”

After watching a Blu-ray of 101 Dalmatians, Crystal elaborated:

“I have never been the children type,” says Harris. “I told my mom I never wanted children. I wanted animals instead, and there are tons of them here.”

To which she added:

“Getting pregnant by an 84 year old man? Nope. It’s still too early, may always be. And then only if there’s some sort of clause in the will describing the opinion-changing financial advantages of siring a child with him, trust me. As soon as I get the image of that turkey-baster and his beatific smile, I get the dry heaves. It’s Vicodin and vitamin water for me now at every Thanksgiving, believe me. I may have watched a popular yet critically-dismissed Disney movie too much when I was 4, but I’m not fucking insane.”

What did Hugh think about that?

Adds Hefner, “If it happens, it happens, but that is not part of the plan.”

To which he added:

“Let’s face it. I’m 84 years old and everything hurts and essentially I’m guaranteeing financial security for what could be my final identikit whore before I die. I’m pretty good at pretending that this particular identikit whore – whose only differentiating feature is a passion for late 80′s Disney characters and anthropomorphism in general – loves me for my sense of humor, intelligence and actual sexual prowess instead of my remaining fortune.”

Thanks to Little Trumpet for the tip.