Women – I Urge You To Charm The Top Of Your Breasts
December 31, 2010 in Things Very Necessary
I look at a lot of tits every week because I’m a heterosexual man with an internet connection. I sometimes look at a lot of tits in a short period of time, because I am a heterosexual man with an internet connection and the cats happen to be sleeping. You know one thing I’ve noticed about tits down all these years of looking at them? Few of them vibrate. Now, they do. Somehow tits have just been made even better.
For years – perhaps decades, or my whole life – I’ve been entirely convinced that tits could not be improved upon. I was wrong, and I apologize to tits – and tit-owners, breast-fans, boob-lovers, subtle-rack-appreciators – everywhere.
I am truly sorry.
It’s obvious to me now – and in hindsight tomorrow – that my research was sorely lacking in the hither-to-be-discovered field of “rapid motion”.
I thought I was fully aware of how tits moved before. I’ve seen and experienced tits from all angles, and for years I’ve been perfectly happy with watching them bounce up and down while a lady impaled herself on my also-tit-appreciative cock. Or how they swung when she bent over for some “oh, it’s late afternoon and the sun looks great on your ass” doggy-style fun. Or how they snuggle into the upper arm when the tit-owner lies back as we rut like fucking animals about to undergo a mass extinction event.
I’ve seen tits, and they are perfect. And I was happy.
Now China has invented an anti-gravity machine for tits. And, although it’s complete bullshit (of course), I do see a huge benefit to women, and humanity in general.
According to the advertisement below, you slip the Chinese anti-gravity machine (or “Top Charmer”) inside your bra and it defeats gravity, simple as that. Pop in your anti-gravity machine, geo-locate your breast tissue, plug it in (because all anti-gravity machines require some form of energy which they use to repel weak gravitational force) and away you go – gravity, over-powered, breasts lifted to infinity and beyond!
Of course, this is nonsense. China can’t yet defeat gravity, even if they jump all at the same time. Even around something as magical as tits, gravity still will reign supreme. I don’t think you can even rely on the below advertisement to be completely honest. The actual vibration may transfer subcutaneous fat to the top of your breasts, but I don’t really want to focus on that nipple point at the moment.
What this important is this – it makes them vibrate.
And I’m firmly convinced that “vibrating tits” will save us all.
To go back to my earlier nipple point, I’d thought I’d seen tits do everything, including lactate over a leather-clad German dwarf when I clicked on a bit.ly shortened url expecting Summer Glau in her underwear.
I honestly didn’t think I’d see tits vibrate at me.
This is a cunning scheme to protect Chinese transportation from suicide bombers. It’s obvious. If some terribly misguided moron intent on mass murder decides to strap a nail-bomb to his upper-body and walk onto a packed plane, bus or train and sees
rows of vibrating breasts
he’ll think twice.
Vibrating tits save lives.
This is an incredibly smart Communist plot – to let the people themselves combat aggression towards government activities by having half the people themselves have vibrating tits.
We should expand upon this thinking, and globally.
Women, everywhere - please do your part. Purchase a Top Charmer, get with the cleavage and a low-cut t-shirt or blouse, and pop these little peacemakers in and help defeat all wars forever. With your breasts moving up and down in a rapid fashion you can combat any injustice in the world. Wear them and get your voice heard (over the gentle vibration) while you address the UN – on any subject you wish!
A high percentage of the world’s dignitaries will agree to anything you want, as long as your message of hope and understanding is embellished by your vibrating tits.
And personally – I’m getting annoyed with asking for donations every three months, so if you’re a tit-owner and reading this, just purchase a Top Charmer and video yourself switching it on and off, maybe over a period of 5 minutes. Send the footage into Wordsmoker, and we’ll start a niche pornography paywall dedicated to vibrating breasts and how they’re allowing Wordsmoker to pay the rent while they save the world.
Buy The Top Charmer – And Help Humanity Evolve