Wordsmoker

NASA, by far the most disappointing federal agency in a government that’s notorious for uninspiring agencies, has done it again—only this time they sucked without even trying to leave the planet. Apparently the NASA “scientists” have discovered a new microbe that uses arsenic instead of phosphorous to construct its DNA! Take a second to regain your composure before reading on.

“It had long been the assumption that without six certain essential elements—carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus and sulfur—life could not exist.” – Melissa Bell, Washington Post

The big advantage that this little creature has over us is that arsenic kills human beings and a lot of other living things. At the very least, no other known life form uses it for anything other than murdering other things. On the other hand, its one crippling weakness is that it’s just a bacterium, which means that it can accomplish almost nothing. It is relegated to screwing up other, more important lives, while it waits to have its entire existence swept away by a LYSOL® Disinfecting Wipe. So while if you eat enough of these microbes you may feel sick, human beings do not have to worry about this different, yet vastly inferior, species taking over the planet.

The following table lists a number of areas in which human beings are superior to arsenic bacteria. This should finally put to rest the Human-Arsenic Bacteria Superiority question that has been plaguing scientists for about ninety-six hours now.

Now that humans have established their superiority over this new intruder, NASA scientists should work on finding answers to the following questions:

• Is there any commercial value in this new life form? For instance, can their skeletons be used as an abrasive or something?
• Can the arsenic be squeezed from their bodies leaving a delicious, crunchy shell?
• If it isn’t valuable, what is the best way to exterminate it?
• Providing the government can “shut down” Julian Assange, and business returns to normal, could they use this new life form to assist in the assassinations of other enemies of state? “Oh, it looks like he accidentally swallowed a pound of arsenic bacteria with his eggs. That’s odd.”
• Do you remember that NASA stands for the “National Aeronautics and Space Administration” and not the “Lake Mono Germ Patrol”?
• On an unrelated note, did you guys ever fix that pump on the International Space Station, or did everyone freeze or burn to death depending on which side they were sitting? Also, wasn’t that pump filled with ammonia—another poison?

During the summer before I went into the second grade, my parents took me on a trip to the Cape Kennedy Space Center. As a young boy, I was naturally filled with bewondermusement. I had a good feeling that the staff “got” what I was all about as an American: blowing people into outer space at the tips of rockets to demonstrate Man’s contempt for God. What I didn’t see was a bunch of fucking dioramas featuring researchers hunched over a lakebed looking for microbes with sifting pans. NASA had better pull their act together. No one wants to fund a bunch of pansies.