Wordsmoker

Hello there. It’s sunny here in Scotland, so obviously something is wrong. What is obviously wrong is that I’m not in Washington D.C. with thousands of other people hoping to catch a glimpse of Stephen Colbert from half a mile away while slowly freezing to death and needing the toilet then peeing in a discarded plastic bottle in the hope that no-one catches me doing so on their cell-phone and then uploads the footage to PeeTube, your number one resource for online full-bladder action. Because of both these urine-centered fears and extreme distance, I have to watch it on C-Span like a dry, petulant robot.

As the internet is what it is, and you are what you are (during daylight hours) and as I am whats I am, I’ll be writing things on here when something happens during the rally that I think is write-worthy or quotable, or if we happen to see someone peeing into a discarded plastic bottle, whichever comes first. As the internet is what it is, you also have the ability to write things in the comments about what you see during the rally, or to just sound off about your hopes that you’ll see someone peeing in a discarded plastic bottle.

Today’s America lies directionless – it’s at a crossroads in a junction in time where political reasoning forks into a cul-de-sac of one-way streets and blind alleys intersected by well-trodden paths of  unincorporated territory surrounded by fields marked for use as high-fructose corn syrup highlighted on a map of everyone’s imagination drawn by crayons of bewilderment on yesterday’s newspaper. Who knows what the mid-term elections will bring – bees? Will the results of next week herald a rise in dolphin molestation? What effect will the rally have on voter turn-out? Will it be cathartic? Will there be catheters? How many discarded plastic bottles filled with pee will be left behind after the cheering dies down and the crowds walk away to go home to eat cheese and watch The Real Housewives Of Jalalabad on basic cable?

Hopefully these questions – and more – will be answered soon.

Enjoy the rally, and write a comment about it if you want.

***************

It hasn’t started yet. I’m watching the pre-show on ComedyCentral, which I’m amazed at because it’s normally blocked outside The States. Hmmm.

Also – no peeing yet.

***************

IT’S ABOUT TO BEGIN. HAVE YOUR PLASTIC BOTTLE AT THE READY.

C-Span isn’t working or something so I’m watching it here http://www.comedycentral.com/dcrallylive/

FUNKY MUSIC!!!

The Comedy Central live-feed is sponsored by Axe, which is the smell of teenage desperation mixed with confusion.

***************

What is already clear is that there are already more african-americans on the stage than there were in the entire crowd at Glenn Beck’s rally.

***************

John Legend is one cool-looking fucker. He’s singing about God. I also saw a clown in the crowd. I hope these things are not linked.

Is that a giant French horn or a reasonably sized tuba? It’s distracting, mainly because it looks like abstract corporate art supported by legs.

***************

The organizers may have sacrificed the “momentum at the beginning of a rally” for “cool”.  It helps if I think of all what is going on so far as “warm-up” for my heterosexual boyfriend Stephen Colbert.

***************

This song is called “Little Ghetto Boy”, which is strange because Glenn Beck sang the exact same song at his rally. Without accompaniment. Just him and his trademark harmonica, singing his heart out and crying for understanding. The footage is very touching. Especially when Glenn brought out his Little Ghetto Boy and sang straight at him, using the Little Ghetto Boy’s t-shirt to dry both their tears.

It’s pretty dull so far for a rally. It may be sponsored by Xanax as opposed to Axe. It’s more “jam session” than “Nuremberg”. Which, I agree, is generally a good thing.

***************

JOHN LEGEND JUST SAID “FUCKED“!!!!!!! If you’re playing along at home, you should start drinking NOW.

***************

At the moment, it’s more of a “Rally To Restore Tubas And/Or Boredom”

***************

Apparently there’s still a shitload of folks still to arrive, and the buses are still bussing, so maybe The Roots and Mr Legend are killing time. Another ten minutes of this and I may start hunting down fresh pornography. It’s early days.

Thank fuck for that. I hope the tuba’s gone. VOICE OF JASON JONES SAYING SOMETHING.

It’s the Mythbusters for some reason. That guy with the moustache fucking freaks me out. I wouldn’t let him babysit my cats, that’s for sure. The one without the moustache is going for some sort of Philip Seymour Hoffman look for some unknown reason.

I think they’re doing a crowd wave. There’s fuckload of people there. Waving.

THIS IS PRETTY FUCKING LAME.

***************

This is officially the largest children’s party in the world. GET ON WITH THE FUCKING COMEDY YOU HAIRY TITS.

Christ. Enough with the jumping shit. Yep – they’re setting the world record for frustration.

***************

Thank fuck for that. Jon Stewart arrives on stage. PLEASE END THE SUCKAGE MISTER STEWART.

I spoke too soon. Some soldiers are singing the national anthem. Your national anthem, not mine. I’m not standing. I think the lady-soldier is a bit off-key.

FUCKING LAME. YES, WELL DONE THE HIRED-KILLERS.

Also. I’ve yet to laugh at anything besides the giant tuba. Stewart is now exhorting the benefits of garbage collection. BRING ON COLBERT.

***************

Colbert at last! He’s reduced some of the lameness.

***************

Is anyone thinking of a late-in-life Evel Knievel?

***************

Father Guido is being close to funny. At last.

***************

Meat-based comedy. Always a winner. OH FUCK THIS IS GOING ON TOO LONG ALREADY. I WANT TEA.

***************

Summary of what you’ve missed so far – DISAPPOINTING STUFF.

***************

If you had “Sam Waterston” in your “celebrity appearance list”, CONGRATULATIONS.

He read one of Stephen’s poems. Bears were mentioned.

More music? Perhaps this is time for me to pee.

***************

There’s a giant cat on stage! GIANT CAT WITH A GUITAR. Oh, wait. It’s Cat Stevens. Is that Stephen’s own cat? Talented feline. Nice beard.

***************

Okay, I went for a pee and came back and everything’s went mad. Peeing was the highlight so far. You’ll be glad to know that I wash my hands before and after peeing because I don’t want any of the germs on my keyboard transferred onto my penis.

***************

O.J. SIMPSONS!!! I feel like having a nap.

***************

Is there going to be any nudity? I want to start a love-train. WITH MY COCK.

At least the tuba came back. It was nice to see the tuba. I was worried about the tuba, how he was going to do backstage, people poking fun at him, calling him a “brass bastard”. I’m glad he’s okay.

***************

That gay dude who jumped off the plane. He has the eyes of a killer. And the dimple of a dog-burner.

Some screeching harridan with no forehead. I’m glad I don’t know who she is.

Those two vignettes were pretty fucking poor. I’m now hoping somebody sets fire to themselves. Maybe Jason Jones. He’s into that shit, you can tell.

***************

The two-hander was reasonably funny. Jon makes a joke about a helicopter. Now something about medals. THERE IS NOW DISCUSSION OF BASEBALLS OR SOMETHING.

***************

Colbert and his fear medal is making me laugh. Now some digs at LAMESTREAM MEDIA. Awwww, a little girl called Haley.  She’s officially braver than ABC and The The New York Times. OFFICIAL.

***************

Mavis Staples. Are Colbert’s producers doing a deal with recent guests? I heard this exact same thing just over a week ago. And I like Mavis Staples, and all Staples who sing.

***************

It slightly disappoints me that my prospective heterosexual boyfriend – Stephen Colbert – seems to be putting on some weight. Obviously, once he hooks up with me in our platonic love-nest, the sweaty non-sex we’ll constantly be having will make those pounds just drop off. I DON’T WANT TO BE KNOWN AS A CHUBBY-CHASER, STEPHEN.

***************

There was an outburst of reason on CNBC, therefore it is given a medal. Velma seems to be pretty cool.

***************

The Fearie! I laughed!

Silver-fox alert! Anderson Cooper’s tight black t-shirt gets a medal.

Both Stewart and Colbert fumble with whatever’s happening next. Oh dear. Turns out it’s PK. I love him.

***************

Shock of the day – PK’s first name is “Percy”! I didn’t know that.

PK IS MAKING A JOKE ABOUT PEEING IN A BOTTLE!!!! I WIN THE INTERNET!!!!!!

Where’s my Comedy Central writing contract?????

***************

Colbert searching for the correct key during his song was genuinely funny. Stewart chooses his own key, at least it’s within the hearing range of most dogs.

Okay – that was a funny song. There should have been more of that all the way through this instead of waiting two hours for something entertaining to crop up.

***************

Some wrestler with a mullet is to get a medal.

***************

The Next Fearie. It’s to Zuckerberg, of Facebook fame. Meh.

Now it’s that dude who stole the Koran from that other dude who was going to burn one. Colbert steals it. Then the dude throws it into the crowd BLINDING A CHILD NO DOUBT. “CHILD BLINDED AT LIBERAL RALLY, NEWS AT 11 ON FOX”

***************

Kid Rock? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. He’s rhyming “colder” with “older”. He’s a genius.

***************

Weakest round of applause ever generated by anything, ever. THE TUBA RETURNS!!!! GO TUBA!!!!

What the fuck is Sheryl Crow doing there? Because she slept with that doper with the uniball she’s the sound of reason? MORE TUBA.

***************

Stephen is back in his suit and all is right with the world. Stewart is talking at a podium. Colbert joins him.

THIS ISN’T WORKING.

I don’t know about you, but something tells me that reasonable discourse is not entirely suited to the forum of a “rally”. NEEDS MORE SCREAMING.

***************

R2-D2 comes on stage and his little head nearly falls over going over a bump. Can you imagine the reaction from thousands of children if that had happened? NOW THAT WOULD’VE BEEN FUNNY.

***************

“Marijuana in your neighborhood” gets a huge cheer. Anyway, lots of fear-mongering by the usual suspects from the usual outlets.

***************

The woman holding up Giant Colbert’s right hand is really cute.

ANYWAY YOUR REMOTE WILL KILL YOU.

***************

John Oliver appears as a gay pixie or something.

Stephen melts (not really).

I THINK THERE’S A LESSON HERE AMONGST THE PANTOMIME STUFF.

***************

The people cheer because they know this is finishing soon. My cats did a wave.

JON IS BEING SINCERE. DRINK.

***************

I hope he mentions the terrorist kittens in Florida. He’s ticked every box apart from kitten terrorism.

Jon Stewart is now giving the same speech that Bill Murray gave at the end of Scrooged.

***************

THAT SCREEN IS GOING TO FALL AND KILL A CHILD.

AND ALL THOSE CARS ARE FILLED WITH MEXICANS!!!!!!!!!!

***************

Tony Bennett!!!!  I hope his hair is really glued on, it’s windy out there.

He’s singing about America or something. This is pretty nauseating. And I like Tony Bennett.

***************

YAY – IT’S TUBA TIME!!! BIG FINISH WITH THE BATTLING BIG HORN!!!!

Also – I can go to the toilet soon. I refuse to pee in a bottle.

Anyway, big self-congratulatory finish thing, everyone looking smug. That Kareem dude is really fucking tall.

***************

Great. The live-feed goes, and cuts straight to a fucking ad for Axe. Says it all, really.

IN SUMMARY

I had doubts, but high hopes for this. Reality came shuddering into focus about 30 minutes into the LONGEST MUSICAL INTRODUCTION EVER when I decided that making some tea would be more satirical than what I was actually seeing on screen. Essentially – not enough comedy, too much music, too much trying to balance the outrageous wingnuttery with the few crazy liberal voices out there, some weak proselytizing, not enough sincerity, and when there was, it wasn’t at the right time. Thank Jeebus for Colbert, whose antics and entire act was big enough to fill the stage. At least all the rallyers there seemed to be having a good time.

Maybe this is why comedians rarely do gigs in front of a couple of hundred thousand people.

High Points!

Stewart and Colbert’s little song. Which did make me laugh.
THE TUBA.
The woman doing papier mache Colbert’s right hand.
A distinct lack of Olivia Munn.

Low Points!

Too much music. Way too much music.
I mean – Kid Rock? Sheryl Crow? Was everyone else already pre-booked?
Jokes falling flat everywhere. They’d work in the studio, not the National Mall.
Axe adverts cutting into the end of the live-feed. Pricks.
Everything else.

Anyway, thanks for joining in if you did. I’m now going to the toilet to wash my hands, then pee, then wash my hands again.

REMEMBER – A CLEAN PENIS MEANS A DIRTY SOUL.