Wordsmoker

It’s that magical time of year again, when stores all over dedicate that half shelf in the farthest, darkest corner to decapitated heads, skeletons and really fake vampire teeth. Let’s also not forget the classic Bela Lugosi cape made out of black dyed toilet paper. Yes it’s Halloween, when children all over go out dressed as their favorite Jersey Shore character—because really there is nothing scarier than an eight-year-old dressed as Snooki—and come harass you for candy. Every year, all of the television channels take this time to celebrate the horror that is Halloween by showing the same five movies on a constant loop… all month long.

Sure the first Halloween was scary when it came out, but by sequel #1,254 I kind of was hoping the teenagers would kill themselves before Jason could get to them. And I couldn’t sleep alone in a dark room after Nightmare on Elm Street; I still can’t sleep on a waterbed to this day. Linda Blair made us all cringe in The Exorcist. The Silence of the Lambs is lately a much-ignored Halloween favorite, probably since it was mostly ruined by the release of Red Dragon. A latecomer to the Halloween movie circuit is The Blair Witch Project, which kept tens if not twenties of people out of the woods. Then there is the seminal cult classic, The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Please don’t get me wrong; I love a good “Time Warp” as much as the next Transylvanian. Hell, I used to lie about my age just to go see it live, dressed as Magenta, and would even act it out with the “players” at the theater. I have a picture of Tim Curry dressed in drag that disturbs my husband to no end since I insisted it be hung in the bedroom. I’ve seen the US version, the UK version, the play (with Luke Perry of 90210 fame) and heard the soundtrack in six different languages. I’ve even sung the karaoke. I really like the movie… usually.

As most of the thirty people who watch FOX broadcasting know, there’s this little show called Glee. It’s not very popular so if you haven’t heard about it yet, I wouldn’t be surprised. Next week they are doing an entire episode dedicated to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Now ordinarily I’d be all for this, seeing as normally all I ever get on basic networks is the watered down, edited version of the movie. Although I should note that every year since I saw it on FOX in 1990, not one of the networks have managed to catch Little Nell’s tits popping out during “Rose Tint My World.” This seems silly, since by current standards, it’s practically a G-rated movie since there is no actual (intentional) nudity (please see exception above). As is customary with this little known show they’ve been releasing spoiler videos about the episode. Yesterday they released the full Glee version of “Time Warp” and invited the five or so fans on Facebook to compare it with the original from the movie. I’m sorry, you want me to do what? That’s like saying compare Army of Darkness to It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. It is impossible to compare a great cult classic to a rehashed, poorly executed imitation of itself.

This year I am taking a stand. I am saying NO to the usual Halloween movie drivel. I am not going to watch (much) of Glee next week so as to not be disappointed in their rendition of what is one of my favorite movies; I will ignore ABC’s “13 days of Halloween,” even though they will be showing both Nightmare Before Christmas and Corpse Bride. Instead I will set up the sniper tower on my roof along with enough paintball pellets to last me through the two potential nights of Halloween that it could be on this year (since the local churches can’t decide whether or not they should petition the city to officially move Halloween from Sunday).

I hate Snooki as much as anyone and I’ll be damned if one is going to come up my driveway.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!