Wordsmoker

Approximately a year ago—give or take a day—a Facebook argument ensued between two of my lifelong friends, Greyson Stone and Thor Youngblood, about which was the greater threat: Werewolves or Zombies. A scientific analysis using five key indicators was conducted resulting in one of the most controversial decisions in Deadliest Monster history. Werewolves slightly edged out Zombies in a 26 to 24 point upset.

The public reaction was astounding. A slew of zombie movies and zombie shows began rolling out of Hollywood production studios to exert pressure on the Commission to reverse its decision. Zombies and zombie enthusiasts demanded a rematch. Just as it seemed that the Commission was about to capitulate to the public outcry, the Vampires threatened to stop starring in their embarrassingly lame movies and television shows in a demonstration of support for the Zombies. Naturally, this had a reverse effect and steeled the resolve of the Monster Fight Commission to stand by their original ruling.

Still, in their infinite wisdom and unbridled greed, the Commission has agreed to give the Zombies another shot. While not convinced that the Zombies had earned another title shot, they agreed to give them a challenge fight, which if the Zombies win, could lead to the much anticipated rubber match with the Werewolves. The Mole People saw an opportunity and stepped up for the teaser fight.

Not a lot is known about the Mole People, but no amount of text could provide a better introduction than this film clip:

If this video is any indication, it looks like this is going to be a really tough contest for the Zombies. They definitely shouldn’t be looking past this opponent to the Werewolves.

A review of the rules is in order:

• All monsters are of the standard variety for their species. No “super” Mole People that can morph into other things or laser-eyed Zombies.
• All battles take place with the combatants in their monster state. If there is any power to change into a human involved, that power may not be utilized during the combat. This doesn’t apply to this particular bout because Mole People and Zombies remain in that state regardless of time or environment.
• All monsters are of a legal age to do combat in the state of occurrence.
• Any weapons that are used have to be something that is natural to that particular monster. For instance, a Zombie could pick up a stick or a loaded gun, but it is not likely to be able to operate a complicated computerized laser cannon.
• It will be assumed that Zombies can’t convert Mole People and vice versa. They can destroy each other by biting to death, ripping apart, shotgun slugs, burning, etc. Mole People can try to suffocate Zombies in the earth, but it is uncertain if that would work.
• Because Mole People are light sensitive, the bout will take place in the dark. However, Zombies can use illumination devices if they are able to locate them, which brings us to the next point.
• No monsters may bring any outside apparatus into the playing field. If they are able to find weapons in the field, they may utilize them. However, these weapons still have to be consistent with the skill set for that monster.

This study will also measure the combat effectiveness of Mole People and Zombies against humans, as well as each other. It will take into consideration a number of factors. Each of those factors will be scored. Although some may argue that the scores are subjective, a great deal of consideration has been given to the weighting of the score. Disputes may have to be settled by future analysts as new data becomes available. A total of ten points can be awarded for each category. The loser of the category is assumed to receive the remainder of the points.

Strength of Numbers: At first blush, the casual observer would give this category to Zombies hands down. However, while obscure, the Mole People do have an entire underground civilization. Although there has never been a census that has accurately gauged the population of the Mole People, scientists put their numbers in the neighborhood of a surprising 400,000. Still, while the Zombie population is currently quite low, their amazing replication powers could quickly give them the upper hand. Zombies also fair much better in an independent confrontation with humans since they can almost instantly turn people into other Zombies. Mole people have to cultivate their humans for years to make new Mole People.

Strength of Numbers: Zombies win the category with 7 out of a possible 10 points.

Physical Agility: To the uninitiated, this appears to be a draw, until one learns that the Mole People are bred to harvest mushrooms for their underground, albino overlords. That makes the Mole People farm folk of a sort. If there is one thing that we’ve always assumed about farmers is that they are hearty and strong. Zombie strength generally ranges anywhere from 75–110% of average human strength, BUT the average human is far weaker than a farmer (farmers actually don’t heavily factor into human strength averages because they are being replaced by robots at an alarming rate). So here’s the breakdown: Zombies are as strong or weak as average human beings. Mole People are as strong as farmers who exceed the strength of average humans. Ergo, Mole People are stronger than Zombies. A human would only have a good chance against a single Zombie, but would only be able to beat Mole People if her or she was a surface farmer. Both monster breeds are uncoordinated as fuck.

Physical Agility: Mole People win the category with 6 out of 10 possible points.

Scare Factor: Let’s face it. When was the last time your drunken friend aped the actions of a Mole Person? What other monster has “person” or “people” in its name. NO ONE is actually afraid of Mole People. It’s a fool’s mistake, but it happens to be universally true. People are about as afraid of Mole People as they are of those kiosk hawkers in the mall. At best human’s find them annoying, despite the very real danger. On the other hand, Zombie fear is the reason that the humans can never get their shit together in time to stop the epidemic and wind up being overrun. Even if it can be assumed that Mole People have no natural fear of Zombies, we know that the reverse is true. In the end, the Zombies’ fear effect on humans is what gives them a huge win in this category.

Scare Factor: Zombies win the category with a perfect 10 points. Mole People, you suck.

Theme Music: This may have been one of the most controversial categories of the 2009 contest between Werewolves and Zombies. The song “All You Zombies” by the Hooters was omitted from consideration. Also, there are many (Greyson Stone) who contend that Jim Carroll’s “People Who Died” is the official song of the Living Dead. Mole People do have a song by the same name that is performed by Michael Feinstein, but it really sucks. Listen here at your own peril. Living thousands of feet below the earth may not be conducive to musical genius. Just look at those Chilean miners. Not one hit single since they’ve surfaced.

Theme Music: Zombies win the category with 7 out of 10 points.

Availability of Weapons: This can be tricky because Zombies and Mole People are able to operate weapons in a similar fashion. They both have fully formed hands and opposable thumbs. Mole People of course are handy with farm implements and could be formidable in this respect like the ancient farmers of feudal Japan. However, anytime a monster can pick up a flashlight and disable a foe, you have to take notice. Mole People are easily blinded by bright lights. Even if the Zombies were similarly handicapped, they can still hunt by sense of smell. In addition, humans really know their way around artificial light sources, and are very effective at gunning down the blind. If the Mole People were to discover sunglasses, they might be able to somewhat mitigate this weakness, but it’s only a partial fix.

Availability of Weapons: Zombies win the category with 7 out of 10 points.

The final results are in. It’s a route:

ZOMBIES  35 MOLE PEOPLE  15

This is not to say that Zombies would always win in a fight against Mole People. The study merely suggests that in fifty encounters, Zombies  would win thirty-five times, and Mole People fifteen.

Aside from the controversial decision of 2009, one of the most disconcerting phenomena of last year’s decision was the apathy of world leaders. With all of the information that we now have on the various monsters, our elected officials still seem bent on chasing down invisible gases that have the power to raise our temperature by one-tenth of one degree (yawn). Or in addressing the leaders of countries that could be wiped in fifteen minutes by even the tamest monster attack. It’s time to wake up and address monsterism before it’s too late…

if it isn’t already.