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Lionsgate To Release Child-Rearing Movie So Awful That It Will Make You Glad You’re Childless

October 26, 2010 in Annoying Things, Awful Things, Cinema

I don’t have any children. Never really been into the procreating thing – don’t get me wrong, I love the practicing part and the oral stuff, but unless spanking and dirty talk are going to be required to get a lady pregnant, I’m going to be childless for the foreseeable. Now news reaches my brain that Lionsgate – those pushers of the Saw movies – are to adapt the best-seller “What To Expect When You’re Expecting”, which is apparently about pregnancy and raising a mewling little brat only you really love, into a motion picture that you can watch.

But, hey – that’s all well and good. I’m not against the whole baby-making thing. Knock out fucking babies left right and center if that’s what you’re into. It’s not as if there’s enough people in the world, isn’t it? Go on – make some more, and make books like the aforementioned best-sellers for all I care while I spend my days and nights finding even more lurid things to masturbate over just before I start crying and hide my shame from a cat who just wandered in at the wrong moment. Yeah – drop out more adorable bawling balls of  incontinence and projectile vomiting – you know you want to. I’ve got no beef with you folks, please, literally – go fuck yourselves. What I do have a problem with is how Lionsgate frame the forthcoming movie adaptation.

They use the phrases “Love, Actually” and “Valentine’s Day”.

Yep. Two phrases that should strike fear into the heart of anyone who watches movies, no matter how broody they are. Two of the shittiest fucking things ever to grace the silver screen during the past ten fucking years. Two movies so reprehensible that the mere mention of them should shrink your genitals to something that has to be measured on a nan0-scale.

And now there’s going to be another one. A bastard child of two already genetically deformed children.

I will hate this movie with a passion. I will hate everyone involved like they shat on my head and called it a hat.

And I’m guessing Paul Rudd or Jennifer Aniston will feature somewhere in it.

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  • http://www.pennydanger.com Penny Danger

    True to say, if you don’t have one it’s increasingly harder to see the joy in babies. Now that mine is 24 yrs. old I have no desire to babysit other people’s children. Those other people don’t train their kids very well anyway and some aren’t looked after properly. I can’t take that. Visit any area preschool and find certain little ones biting, punching, and the lowly paid caretakers finding it hard to keep up with it all.

    I would rather go see a children’s cartoon like “Kung Fu Panda” any day than watch a baby movie with the usual potty humor and everything predictable and boring. I do not care if Katherine Heigl is in the movie or not. I hate when a child is mistreated on a show or in a movie or real life. One example here is Bets on Madmen when she bellows for the children to “GO UPSTAIRS” or “GO WATCH TV.” I talk better to my pets than she talks to those kids on that show.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/militantrubberducky/ MilitantRubberDucky

    I don’t like these movies, though not for nearly as entertaining a reason as our dear Virus. They make me feel like something is wrong with me for not wanting/not knowing if I want children. I hate that movies, TV, and books outline this cookie cutter pattern that I’m supposed to follow: Get married, have babies, be a homemaker/good wife/perfect role model, maybe throw a degree in there somewhere, sacrifice so much of the me I know that I don’t remember why I did everything in the first place. I hate the way they make me feel like I am a screw up.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

    Well, you all know we adopted. We figured we would love someone else’s child more than our own. My only beef with this piece is that Love, Actually is a funny, poignant movie and one to which I related completely, especially the brother/sister scenes. Try caring for your horribly mentally-ill, double amputee brother for several years and not cry at Laura Linney forever having to put herself after her brother.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

    I love babies. I mean, I will hold them in the subway for you while you collapse your stroller. In the park, I will pick your kid up and hug him when he falls down and hits his head on the concrete because you were too busy talking with the other moms and blatantly and proudly ignoring your very young kid (“It toughens ‘em up,” you later chortle).

    Babies: mmmmm, love ‘em. But the “What to Expect” book is a piece of garbage that I despised throughout my pregnancy and beyond. It is chock full of worry and very few helpful resources. And the evil witches who wrote that book obviously hate women and think we are stupid since all they do is preach a balanced healthy diet. Like it fucking matters what you eat while you’re pregnant, all the baby does is leech the goodness from you and you’ll wind up with bones of jelly in the end. What the hell does salad account for?

    So yes. This movie makes me want to pluck out my ovaries and throw them under the 49th Street tourist bus.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/militantrubberducky/ MilitantRubberDucky

    @Bookish: I will agree with you, I love babies too, and when I see one that’s particularly adorable and sweet it makes my uterus ache. I think I like the concept of parenthood, but the reality is that I feel that I will be completely inept and will screw this little person up forever. I should clarify that while I like little kids/babies, they do not like me AT ALL. I think they sense my clueless state and take it as their cue to cry.

  • http://wordsmoker.com fashionchallenged

    @bookish: a friend of mine called the book “What to Expect when You’re Expecting the Worst.” The book existed solely to make you crazy. And then there was the even worse “The Baby Book” by William Sears (if I’m remembering right). It made it seem like you could work at being a mom 18 hours a day (breast-feeding on demand, of course, but also MAKING YOUR OWN ORGANIC BABY FOOD and more) and still not be up to the task. The latter book I actually threw away, refusing even to give it to a library book sale where it might afflict some other woman.

    So… @ MRD–I love my kids, but I’ve always been one of those people who was attracted to babies and toddlers (and vice versa)…. But years in therapy (and a friendship with IrishBreakfast) have taught me that NOTHING is worth losing what I am. So stick to your guns. The screw-ups are the people who have kids because they think they owe it to the world or just because they have no thoughts at all.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/unfun/ Unfun

    Your captions made me LOL! Goddamnit, the same sis in law I always biatch about, now they have an adorable 2 month old baby, and yes she is my niece and I love her muchly, but jesus christ, does EVERY STATUS UPDATE on your FB have to be about your baby now? WE GET IT. I’m telling you, 5 status updates a day about the quotidian details of her existence. Also, do you REALLY need to change your profile picture every five minutes to a new cute baby photo? My cousin had a baby last year, she acts like a normal person about it. In other words, she doesn’t mention is every 4.5 seconds on FB, and her baby is RIDICULOUSLY gorgeous and cute.

    Yes, I’m a bitter and single. But I promise if and when I ever get engaged, married, or have kids, I will not subject everyone I know to talking about it 24/7/365, because I realize that I’m boring, just like everyone else, and although my engagement/wedding/child is OMG A MIRACLE to me, it’s not really to everyone else.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

    @Unfun: This is why I can’t update my status anymore on FB. I have nothing interesting going on outside my role as a parent. No one wants to hear about my job and I no longer engage in social hijinx (sp?), so what do I really have to add to the world of status updates? I do have a FB page in my real name and my “friends” are either family, Girl Scout moms or synagogue people. Those people actually want to see pictures of my kid and hear about my Chicago trip. It kills me that I’m so unhip and so bland anymore that the best I can come up with is parental drama. Worse, I’m resigned to it. I like it. I’m giving some thought to keeping my status updates to a theme, like books I’m reading.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/unfun/ Unfun

    MP: Hey, write what you write, and yeah, other parents probably love hearing it. But those of us who aren’t parents, we…kinda don’t wanna hear it all the time. I’m not talking about you, just in general. Also, I think it’s unfair I can’t talk about a lot of what I do, like drinking, going on dates, occasional debauchery, etc. So it’s like, until I get a kid, I’m kinda muzzled.

    But I know parents who have other things to say, or rarely talk about their kids, on FB or otherwise. You can still be a parent, and an individual and have other interests/things to say, I would think.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

    @Unfun: Oh, I know – I didn’t take it personally so much as it made me realize how much of myself I’ve let go in the past five years. I used to be (I think) an interesting person. Again, I think. FWIW, I really DO enjoy reading about all the fun things you do, your big-city law firm job, and the social hijinx that are missing from my own life. I would never, ever suggest you not write about the debauchery. On the contrary! We old people have to live vicariously through someone, you know! xxoo

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @Unfun:

    Also, I think it’s unfair I can’t talk about a lot of what I do, like drinking, going on dates, occasional debauchery, etc.

    I’m cool with hearing this.