Wordsmoker

Because nothing is more important in my universe than making the Smokies better and more interesting, I’ve been playing around with the idea of commissioning a pianist to co-write and perform a Smokies theme song. My vision is for a video crew to record the performer singing the song, and post it every week as an opening to the Smokies.

Here’s what I have for the song:

“Smokies… Smokies, they come ’round once a week,

Smokies… Smokies, you never know what’s coming unless you peek,

Smokies… they’re better than Pokies, but not as hot,

Flamethrower… you’re the reward for how hard people fought,

Smokies… Smokies, if you’ve got a silver tongue,

Smokies… Smokies, maybe you’ll win an Iron Lung,

Smokies… Smokies, hope you get a bunch,

Smokies… Smokies read them over lunch,

Yeah!”

Something like that. I’m not married to the lyrics, but I think it may be the most brilliant fucking thing ever written. I’m picturing some guy in a crushed velvet tuxedo or smoking jacket with a name like “Wink” or “Flip.” There may or may not be a woman on the piano wearing a sequined dress. I’ll have to talk to Virus about our sequin budget. Anyway, for now, we only have the idea and this week’s awards:

Smokies:

IrishBreakfast/The Smokies: Double Rainbow Edition:

“That is really pretty. That said, I would have beaten the guy with a big stick. The wonders of nature are best contemplated in silence, or perhaps accompanied only by the soft groans of the guy you just beat with a big stick.”

(Sure!  If you consider light filtered through water mist a wonder of nature. I’m anti-rainbow. I’m hoping that global warming eventually takes care of the phenomenon.)

BookishLookish/Yay! Updo’s Are Back!:

“I am firmly in the evening-only school for the up, though. Showing your entire nape is like showing your entire cleavage. You should only do it when the sun goes down. Yeah, pass the antimacassars, I am old of body and school both. You can see my ankles and wrists most days though.”

(As long as the skirts are short and the underwear absent, you may cling to whatever Victorian standards you wish, my dear.)

PineKatz/2010, You’re a Goddamned Embarrassment:

“But straight up, NO ONE puts stuff into space like we do. All that GPS stuff you take for granted? You think the Chinese or Indians did that??? You think those 28 perfectly positioned satellites that will find you when you are lost is because of those loser wannabees riding on our coat tails? Is that what you think? Know this. It we want to close stuff down off over anywhere, we can. Yeah, that’s right. GPS is over if we want it that way. The US of A. You and me. Our military-industrial complex did this great thing. Deal with it.”

(This whole comment was some real puff-out-your-chest-and-be-a-fucking-American red meat. I needed that, PK.)

MilitantRubberDucky/Eight Down Two to Go: Who Will Be Florida’s Vaughn Walker:

“I’m sorry, but having intercourse with the same sex is the second most absolute way to procreate (or rather, not) responsibly. Then again, if anything’s a product of anal sex, my money’s on fundamentalist Christians. And since when is it the state’s right to arbitrarily determine one’s ability to procreate, especially when no delinquency in parental or monetary support has occurred? I assume then that if this is how the state chooses to conduct themselves in the matter of “responsible procreation”, we can expect to see mobile sterilization units on every street corner, ready and waiting to take care of the surplus of dead beat men and women that can’t or won’t exercise enough sense to use a condom.”

(As has been stated many times, Smokin’ Comments automatically receive a Smokie. Good job, MRD.)

IHateReligion/Mosque!

“Another perfect example as to the divisiveness of religion. Community center yes! Mosque, church, temple, Santa’s workshop no thank you.”

(Good job one time commenter who I’ve never seen before and haven’t heard from after your initial comment. You may be elusive, but I liked what you wrote and how it was stated.)

NinaHagen & Mediahohoho/Mosque!:

NinaHagen: “I’m afraid of this:

Mediahohoho: “Oh come on, Nina, don’t all New Yorkers love to be lectured at by a supercilious twat with a community college education and a goddamn opinion? Doesn’t everyone?”

(Great one-two Palin punch, guys.)

EveryoneWhoPostedAnEmbarrassingPoem/Wordsmoker Anthropology — Your “Oh, Man, That’s Embarrassing” File:

(I was going to pick one particularly bad poem, but everything that was posted is better than the best poetry I’ve ever attempted. It takes a lot to suck it up and post something that’s embarrassing. I know this from personal experience. Well, at least I wrote a great theme song today. Also, count me in the pro-”Evolution” camp. I liked it.)

Pokies:

GerbilsInLove/Yay! Updo’s Are Back!:

“Good to know, as in the summertime, my hair is almost always up. I’ll think of you today, Virus, as I slide into the shower and undo my ponytail. I’ll imagine it is you, unfurling my hair, running your hands, lathered in scented body wash, over my breasts, which are pointed westward, and down my flanks, giving a little slap here and there. Don’t forget to bring your baton.”

MamaPenguino/Mosque!

“I had a “deadly” experience with Islam once. I was shagging a Muslim guy who wouldn’t wear a condom. In his defense, he was well-endowed.”

(Then it’s true what they say, “The best defense, is a large penis”?)

LisaBee/My Year of Living Gimmickly:

“Proposed title: “The One-Year Itch.” This whole notion made me decide to go commando today. No panties, no problems!”

(This was going to be a Smokie, but then when LisaBee said she was going “commando,” I had this sexy image of her moving around the jungle with camouflage, face paint and an assault rifle killing al Qaeda. Even though it had nothing to do with a discussion of underwear, it was still hot.)

The Mechanical Larynx:

Uncivilly “I’m Not Blix” Obedient/Watch This BBC Weatherperson Give His Colleague The Finger On Camera:

The Five Stages of Grief

(Not shown for spacing considerations. View it here.)

The Iron Lung:

I have decided to award The Iron Lung to a piece that I hope will inspire a rash of copycat pieces:

VaQuero/My Year of Living Gimmickly:

“I have decided that I am going to write a gimmick book. I was thinking about those books in which someone eats only local for a year, or uses no electricity, or buys only used goods, or they do all those things and maybe more, AND they get a book deal out of it. So I thought what I would do is wear the same pair of underpants for an entire year.”

(This was short, sweet and wonderful. I could get real used to gimmick book ideas flowing in about once a week. I’m thinking about doing one about wearing a used condom for a year. Latex, not sheepskin. Sheepskin would be disgusting.)

We’ve had a lot of fun this week. What’s not fun is salmonella eggs. Check the expiration date on your eggs people. If they are more than a year expired, they are probably rife with salmonella.

Smokies… Smokies, they come ’round once a week…

I’d like to thank all of the Wordsmoker writers, readers and staff.

Smokies… Smokies, you never know what’s coming unless you peek…

Next up is Mama Penguino. Treat her right, please.

Smokies… Smokies, hope you get a bunch,

Smokies… Smokies read them over lunch…

(fades off)