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GIN.

July 28, 2010 in alcohol

I used to drink too much. I loved it all, except Scotch. I particularly loved gin. GIN. In a short glass with ice and triple olives. And I gave my heart away early: Beefeaters. None of the new-fangled gins could tempt me with their sexy ads and their wanton come-ons. Gin is made in Britain. It is dry. It is not smooth and it is not rough. It has a taste.

I rarely drink hard liquor these days. When some new young thing is toted out into the public domain I keep an eye on the ads. I wonder who the fuck would be persuaded to actually buy alcohol because some pseudo-Italians are shown on the TV slobbering all over, say, a certain almond-flavored liqueur. No one I have ever known has eyed a bartender while sucking their liqueur-soaked finger. I don’t view it as a selling point.

A certain well-born but now decidedly trashy magazine features an ad for something called “Bullshit Gin.”* The page is black, the copy is white. The bottle looks like something that belongs in the engine of a very expensive car. In the ad the bottle is black, with BULLSHIT in huge white letters on the shoulder.

I can deal with this. Fads come and go. Vodka, which I never liked, has been bastardized beyond all recognition. To me this makes sense as vodka is essentially without flavor. But gin? Not gin. Let me reproduce for you here the copy on the bottle of Bullshit Gin:

A Brazen Breed
Perfectly Balanced With
Natural Poppy, Dragon Eye
And Hints of Crisp Citrus.*

It goes on from there but I can’t bear to type anymore. Poppy? Does this mean that codeine is an ingredient—and a primary one, given its placement in the description?* Great! This would be the only reason I might buy and actually drink this stuff. Moving on: what the fuck is Dragon Eye? Cue Google, which tells me it is a type of Day Lilly. I repeat myself: wtf? Why would I want Day Lillies, of any type, in my gin? If I was Dorothy Lamour I might tuck one behind my ear while sipping proper martinis, but Not In My Gin. Then we have “hints” of something. At the risk of being redundant, wtf? Does “hint” mean that listing it on the label suffices? If so, great, as I don’t want any Crisp Citrus in my gin. I am not sure what ‘crisp’ really means: deep fried lemon peels? Gratin of oranges? Kiwi kabobs? Abominations, all.

I have no idea what demographic is being targeted; I suspect the campaign is aimed at people who have never had gin. Perhaps they have never had any type of liquor that actually has a flavor, that doesn’t need to be mixed with stuff that’s touted as dew from the petals of roses grown in the gardens of the Taj Mahal.* I can imagine such cretins ordering “cosmos” made with this stuff. Which, actually, would be fine, because it’s not gin.

*Names have been changed to protect me.

*Of course it isn’t, silly. That would be illegal.

*I didn’t change a word of this.

*If you have an inside source on this, call me!


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  • http://wordsmoker.com misslinda

    My husband drinks Hendricks, which supposedly has a hint of cucumber (I don’t drink it so I just take him at his word). He puts pants on (he prefers not to wear pants, so this is a sign that he’s serious) and goes to the supermarket just to buy a cucumber for garnish. I don’t get involved in this insanity and, frankly, I’m just happy he’s eating his veggies. But I’m with you on your general concept–liquid shouldn’t wear a disguise. I want my tea to taste like tea. No hint of peach, no infused ginger. Same for coffee. Hazelnut has no business in my coffee cup. Vodka, rum, bacon infused whiskey, the whole mess of ‘em should stop putting on a show. Cheers to you and your Beefeater!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/blix/ Blix

    Gin and tonic seemed to be in fashion in the 80′s (GT’s). I rarely drink it now but recently was talked into a cucumber and gin martini that was very refreshing. Who knew? I don’t know what recipe was being used but this one looks close.

    * 2 oz. Vodka (Grey Goose)
    * 1/4 oz. Lemon Juice
    * 2 slices Cucumber
    * 3 pieces Mint
    * 1/2 oz. Sugar Syrup

    Muddle the mint and cucumber, add the rest to ice, then shake and strain.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/berightback/ berightback

    Hendrick’s is good, but does not really taste like gin to me. It’s like a different kind of drink entirely, demanding different mixology, etc. It is terrible with tonic, for example.

    Not to be common, but I’m a Tanqueray fan for tonics. Risking the wrath of the Irish, I will even admit to enjoying that lime-y Tanqueray Rangpur stuff.

    But like infused (as opposed to “flavored” – ugh) vodkas, too (ginger!), so I think I’m too bourgeois and girl-drink-drunkard for this conversation anyhow.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/notwavingbutdrowning/ notwavingbutdrowning

    It has to have juniper berry. That’s what makes gin gin. Some gins have juniper berries in their flavor that have a citrus type flavor. I like that. But you have to also have the hint of that strange piney spicey flavors that are the main element of juniper berry taste.

    Me? For a gin and tonic I like Boodles. It has a stronger juniper berry taste to it. It is too strong for me to drink in a dry martini — but it is perfect mixed with tonic with a twist of lime.

    For a martini (up, please, with a twist) I go with Bombay Sapphire. I think it is the smoothest. But I realize that there are devotees of Tanqueray or Beefeaters or Hendricks that would disagree with me.

    I’ve never done a full-blown organized taste test. It would be interesting to do. I just dont’ see how gin can go the way of vodka with all of the weird added flavors to it. There is more of a purity to the idea of what gin should be made with, i.e., juniper berries!

  • http://www.pennydanger.com Penny Danger

    I like oodles of Boodles but Tanqueray has a certain taste that can’t be matched. It must be those juniper berries–comparable to Captain Crunch with Crunchberries? I never tried a martini before.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/baroness/ Baroness

    (Thinking of Cheever’s story, “The Sorrows of Gin” which is excellent.)

    Gin and tonic was my drink for a long while there, loved Sapphire but Gordon’s would more than do. Gin has .. a reputation for its mood-altering properties. My Anglo-Irish mother was horrified to hear that i was drinking it: it has a reputation as the drink of melancholy and depression. It was amusing that she sweetly related this folklore as if everyone knows this, as I screamed at her to shut up and fetch me more limes. And that’s my thing: gin doesn’t make me melancholy, it makes me ornery.

    But there’s truth to folklore, and the history of gin in England bears this out. It was the crack cocaine of its day in 18th century England, a drug to wipe out sorrow among the poor in its cheapest rotgut forms. A social problem. I believe Hogarth did prints of “Gin Lane” illustrating the social problems gin had brought to the poor- squanderous, lazy husbands, neglectful slatternly wives and mothers.

    I’ve had my affair with gin, but it’s a romance of the past. It does have properties of mood alteration, bringing me to moods I don’t care for. Still fond of it, don’t drink it much anymore. I only drink wine spritzers now. Bwahaha. As if.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    I’m partial to Percocet. Neat.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/rosie-cheeks/ Rosie Cheeks

    TNT

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/skahammer/ skahammer

    I’d be happy to stand everyone to a few shots of Victory Gin down at the Chestnut Tree Cafe. Meet me there at half past thirteen.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/irishbreakfast/ irishbreakfast

    @MissLinda: Oh, my. Your husband sounds like a never-ending source of entertainment–in the very best way. Does he have a smoking jacket to go with the pants? And yes, veggies are good.
    @Blix: Dear, you do know that your recipe does not include gin? Or are you starting a vodka take-over?
    @BJ: Yes, but only if there’s no gin.
    To all the other gin afficianados: we’ll agree to disagree on the brands but agree on the sacred purity of gin.
    @Ska: I can’t make it until a quarter past fourteen.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/blix/ Blix

    IrishB: Gadzooks, pardon my French. I just searched for “cucumber martini recipe”; I missed the booze switch. Oops.

  • http://wordsmoker.com misslinda

    @Irishbreakfast: He is endlessly entertaining. No smoking jacket, but he cooks and cleans and also functions as the IT guy, so I overlook his wardrobe mishaps.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    This is precisely the kind of douchebaggery that will turn me off from a product, regardless of its intrinsic merits:

    A bunch of dudes getting together to celebrate their disappointing beards and moderately priced suits over the same drink. The commercial is ripping on flavored vodkas, while still establishing a different kind of uncoolness.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/irishbreakfast/ irishbreakfast

    @ ChillBear: My main bitch with this is the abitrary dating: “300 years ago”? WTF? Nothing notable, to my knowledge, happened 300 years ago involving vodka. Small point, I know, but it still chaps my ass. That said, I’d really like to talk to these guys about where they get their waxing done.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

    I never touch gin. I would just as soon dab it on my wrists as drink it AS IT TASTES LIKE PERFUME!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @IB: Valid point. Ford may be one of the oldest car companies, but that doesn’t mean Focuses (Foci?) are better cars than Lexi.

    Ketel One say that they were inspired by 300 years of tradition. What tradition? Christmas trees?

    @BL: You have now influenced me not to drink gin, unless it is mixed into a well crafted martini. You should be writing vodka commercials.

    This one irritates me as well. Drink Chivas Regal and you’ll have beautiful women attaching themselves to your backs because your so god damned chivalrous:

  • http://wordsmoker.com misslinda

    So speaking of alcohol, I’m drunk right now. Vodka. Some sort of pear martini. I know, I know, what the fuck is that, but the barmaid, she was a fast-talker and recommended said cocktail, and the partner, he bought said cocktail (and several others after that, including something involving pommegranate, which I’m amazed I can almost spelll). I’m back upstairs at the office, pretending to do timesheets which are due, like, tomorrow, wondering what the protocol is for the partner who got you drunk. Amazingly, I’ve never been in this position before. Am I required to like, you know, service this man? Or can I just slink out quietly and we’ll pretend it never happened? Cause that’s what I’m going with right now (which, FYI, originally typed as “gong with,” FWIW). Etiquette eludes me right now….

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/heneage/ Heneage

    There’s a bar / restaurant I go to that has amazing mixed cocktails – they’re on the new mixology bandwagon but don’t get too pretentious about it.

    Their summer cocktail is a Miller’s cucumber cooler and my friend that bartends there gave me the recipe:

    1.5 oz Miller’s (or Hendricks) gin
    3/4 oz lime juice
    1/2 oz cucumber puree (skin and seed cucumber, then muddle in glass to get about 1/2 oz)
    1/4 oz simple syrup (to taste)

    Put all the ingredients together in a shaker and mix. Then pour into a glass and top with soda.

    It’s really, really good.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/irishbreakfast/ irishbreakfast

    @ Heneage: Sounds good! I would prefer to knock back the gin, lie down and put the cucumber slices over my closed eyes, combine the lime juice and simple syrup and dab behind each ear–and maybe on other pulse points– and use the soda to remove stains.