July 28, 2010 in alcohol
I used to drink too much. I loved it all, except Scotch. I particularly loved gin. GIN. In a short glass with ice and triple olives. And I gave my heart away early: Beefeaters. None of the new-fangled gins could tempt me with their sexy ads and their wanton come-ons. Gin is made in Britain. It is dry. It is not smooth and it is not rough. It has a taste.
I rarely drink hard liquor these days. When some new young thing is toted out into the public domain I keep an eye on the ads. I wonder who the fuck would be persuaded to actually buy alcohol because some pseudo-Italians are shown on the TV slobbering all over, say, a certain almond-flavored liqueur. No one I have ever known has eyed a bartender while sucking their liqueur-soaked finger. I don’t view it as a selling point.
A certain well-born but now decidedly trashy magazine features an ad for something called “Bullshit Gin.”* The page is black, the copy is white. The bottle looks like something that belongs in the engine of a very expensive car. In the ad the bottle is black, with BULLSHIT in huge white letters on the shoulder.
I can deal with this. Fads come and go. Vodka, which I never liked, has been bastardized beyond all recognition. To me this makes sense as vodka is essentially without flavor. But gin? Not gin. Let me reproduce for you here the copy on the bottle of Bullshit Gin:
A Brazen Breed
Perfectly Balanced With
Natural Poppy, Dragon Eye
And Hints of Crisp Citrus.*
It goes on from there but I can’t bear to type anymore. Poppy? Does this mean that codeine is an ingredient—and a primary one, given its placement in the description?* Great! This would be the only reason I might buy and actually drink this stuff. Moving on: what the fuck is Dragon Eye? Cue Google, which tells me it is a type of Day Lilly. I repeat myself: wtf? Why would I want Day Lillies, of any type, in my gin? If I was Dorothy Lamour I might tuck one behind my ear while sipping proper martinis, but Not In My Gin. Then we have “hints” of something. At the risk of being redundant, wtf? Does “hint” mean that listing it on the label suffices? If so, great, as I don’t want any Crisp Citrus in my gin. I am not sure what ‘crisp’ really means: deep fried lemon peels? Gratin of oranges? Kiwi kabobs? Abominations, all.
I have no idea what demographic is being targeted; I suspect the campaign is aimed at people who have never had gin. Perhaps they have never had any type of liquor that actually has a flavor, that doesn’t need to be mixed with stuff that’s touted as dew from the petals of roses grown in the gardens of the Taj Mahal.* I can imagine such cretins ordering “cosmos” made with this stuff. Which, actually, would be fine, because it’s not gin.
*Names have been changed to protect me.
*Of course it isn’t, silly. That would be illegal.
*I didn’t change a word of this.
*If you have an inside source on this, call me!