Wordsmoker

All across the United Kingdom this morning work stopped and daily routines were forgotten as news began to break that unbelievable prick Piers Morgan was lined up to replace incredible asshole Larry King in the 9pm slot on CNN. Brightly colored bunting was hung out and banners expressing undiluted joy were hurriedly painted, as tables laden with party snacks and alcohol were laid out in the streets in every town and city across the land while practically every member of the population started celebrating the loss of Piers Morgan to America.

Many people were seen to be dazed and slightly confused over the revelation, some seemed unwilling to let the news sink in, lest it just be another rumor put out by Morgan’s agent, but for the majority the feeling of happiness and relief was all too real.

Said one UK party-goer:

“It hasn’t sunk in yet, to be honest. To think that we’ll never really have to see or hear one of the most odious creatures ever to have dropped mewling from Satan’s loins ever again unless we’re channel surfing at 9pm and mistakenly visit CNN, is really too much to believe right now. I mean – I want to believe. I want to believe so much, that this colossal fucking prick will rarely, if ever, be on our shores again. It’s just too early for me. But I’m starting to drink right now, even though I’m a paramedic and supposed to be on duty in half an hour. My boss will understand. He’s been drunk and singing and hugging strangers since 6am.”

Said another:

“I’ve watched Larry King in the past, and wondered why this really old and confused man, who really didn’t seem to have a grasp on any relevant fact pertaining to the interview taking place, was allowed on television in the first place. I literally watched open-mouthed as he attempted to ask the most inane questions I’ve ever heard on television. When I heard he was retiring, I didn’t even risk thinking that one day this would lead to us somehow getting rid of that talentless, lipless, wank-chinned cunt Piers Morgan, but somehow it has. I called my grandparents in Australia immediately, even though I knew they’d be sleeping. I’ve never heard them so happy. They were actually crying down the telephone to me but had to hang up after ten minutes so they could call and wake up all their friends.”

A police officer attending one of the many impromptu street parties in London said:

“There will be little crime today, mark my words. I’m just here to enjoy the party and make sure no-one gets too drunk over the news. I haven’t seen anything like this since, well, I don’t know when. It’s incredible. Everyone is smiling and leaving their knives at home for a day.”

An agent specializing in cross-platform media, who wished to remain anonymous, said:

“It’s been an open secret in the UK for decades that Piers Morgan was the most loathsome individual ever to been given the chance to appear on television. His poorly-constructed, self-aggrandizing interviews with people so desperate for soft-ball questions from a pliable idiot are legendary, but that seemingly hasn’t stopped CNN from spinning a bottle in a darkened room and choosing the lowest common denominator. To replace a complete arse like Larry King with a creep like Morgan is a work of genius.”

As shares in the City rocketed skywards on hearing the news, UK Prime Minister David Cameron joined in with the spirit of the occasion:

“I would like to whole-heartedly thank our dear American friends for ridding this country of Piers Morgan. It makes our unqualified support for the Iraq war seem somehow worth it, and I would like to lay to rest anyone who ever doubted the existence of a “special relationship” between the United Kingdom and the people of the United States of America. I will, of course, be tabling a motion in the House of Commons later today to have July 14th marked as a public holiday in the future, and we will – believe me – be looking into honoring Ted Turner with a knighthood at least. If you may, I’d also like to add – USA! USA! USA!”

As straw effigies of Piers Morgan were constructed by children up and down the land to be burnt later in mass celebrations, and cheers of “Morgan’s Gone, Morgan’s Gone” filled the air, the question being asked of everyone in the UK today was simple -

“Where were you when you heard the news that Piers Morgan was leaving the UK for America?”