The Great Mel Gibson Automatic Threat Generator
Oh, that Mel Gibson! HE’S A CARD, ISN’T HE? AHAHAHA. If he’s not punching a woman in the face while she’s holding a child, he’s threatening all sorts of evil nonsense to anyone that will listen, which includes police officers, people in bars, people in streets, people, beavers, people dressed as beavers, beavers dressed as people, circumcised men, women with hair, women generally, and children with or without arms. Everyone, really. I’m actually scared to answer my phone now, because I’m sure that I’m one of the few people he hasn’t threatened yet, and he’s got a big list, a long-distance calling card, and a lot of “issues” to work through.
I was originally going to do a Mel Gibson Bingo thing, where I would make a FANCY GRAPHIC filled with hate-words and angry thoughts, and we could all have fun crossing them off as Mel and his MOUTH OF EVIL worked his way through them over the next couple of years as he threatened or insulted billions more humans or animals, but I don’t have enough space and I’m afraid all the other words would fall off the front page, which is an awful thing to happen to a blog, so I decided to do a different thing and to get you all to help out with this different thing, which I think is better than me typing swearies into Photoshop. So I’ve taken stock of Mel, his current situation, the prevailing direction of the wind, and created The Mel Gibson Automatic Threat Generator™. Of course, it’s “automatic” from the point of view that you, faithful/drunk commenter, will create threats for Mel to use in the future. Like all machines involving curses, there have to be some rules but don’t cry, because these rules are more like guidelines, and because they’re more like guidelines, they should help you with creating some FANTASTIC Mel-Threats.
The Rules Guidelines
Each Melburst should ideally follow all or some of these:
The Location (Where you heard or saw it happen…)
The Method (Was Mel on the phone, instant messaging, shouting from a rooftop…)
The Threat (Punch, kick, strangle, gouge, poke, run over…)
The Target (the more innocent, or more surreal, the better…)
What The Target Was Carrying (or what was she doing…)
The Derogatory Term (bitch, whore, squid…)
The Irrational Hatred Towards A Group (n*****r, k**e, or whatever you can make up…)
So, here’s an example to get the Mel-ball rolling
“When I was walking my dog the other day, I saw Mel Gibson threatening to set fire to a blind woman carrying a kitten. Although he’d never met her before, it didn’t stop him calling her a n*****r-loving tampon-faced Jew, responsible for all the rain in the world.”
Or, of course, you can choose to not follow the rules guidelines and just let fly with your own Mel-brand of invectives. It’s really up to you! I’ll pick some winners later on today, or maybe tomorrow if it’s not raining.
NOW SPREAD THE HATE AS INDISCRIMINATELY AS POSSIBLE IN THE COMMENTS AND NOT AT EACH OTHER FOR A CHANGE!
Bonus points for making us giggle with your asterisk-wordplay.