Enjoy Stealing Undies, Perverts? Blame Your Cat
July 9, 2010 in I SHIT YOU NOT
Hello perverts! Or would-be perverts! Is the missionary position too dull for you? How about doggie? Passé? How about the “froggy” position, where you try to screw each other between lanes of busy traffic without being run over? Done, and not worth it anymore after receiving so many speeding tickets? Is even frottage in a field too feeble for you? Well, maybe you’ll start stealing stranger’s underwear for sexual kicks and thrills! If you do, there’s now a cast-iron excuse for your sexy-crazed shenanigans – your cat.
Yep. Cat. Cats are the latest excuse when the cops come to your door, looking to rifle through your “special boxes”. Just name your cat as a repeat offender.
From the BBC:
The owners of a cat have reported their pet to the police after it started stealing dozens of knickers and items of underwear from neighbouring gardens.
“Knickers” are the British term for “pantaloons worn under your petticoats”. So you know. “Gardens” are what we call “concrete”.
Peter and Birgitt Weismantel adopted 12-year-old Oscar from the Cats Protection charity at Christmas. But as he started to settle in at their home in Gordon Avenue, Southampton, he started bringing home his stolen haul.
Yeah – I bet he did, wink-wink.
In recent weeks he has brought home about 70 items leading his owners to inform the police.
Mr Weismantel, 72, said Oscar first started bringing home gardening gloves but quickly moved on to ladies knickers, socks and children’s underwear.
Yeah, way to rat out your cat, perverts.
Mr Weismantel, 72, said Oscar first started bringing home gardening gloves but quickly moved on to ladies knickers, socks and children’s underwear.
As the haul built up his owners became concerned that neighbours would think there was a thief operating in the area so Mr Weismantel contacted police to tell them about his pet’s anti-social behaviour.
I bet the cops really enjoyed receiving that phone call. They might have put a trace on it, too.
He said: “When we let him out in the garden he started bringing us back gardening gloves and bits of rubber gloves and then he went up market and started bringing back children’s knickers.
“Then it began to escalate and I telephoned the police as people must have been missing clothes, especially with women’s underwear being taken.
“But he just doesn’t stop and he’s still doing it now.
So what? Your cat’s obviously got some fetish issues. As I’ve said before, gardening gloves are a gateway drug. Soon you’ll be onto the hardcore stuff, and before you know it, your little furry face will be plastered across the BBC website.
“It’s all a bit mysterious. We don’t know where he’s getting the items from because there are no children living near to us so he might be going quite far afield.
Well, it’s obvious to me that the cat is stealing the children’s underwear from another cat with a fetish for children’s underwear. Simple. Case, closed.
“We feel that he is bringing us presents as a token of appreciation, an offer to help pay his way.”
No-one has any money over here, so it looks like even cats have to barter their way in society.
Maggie Roberts, director of veterinary services at Cats Protection, said: “Cats generally bring prey or other items back to the core area of their territory where they feel safe, usually the house for domestic cats.
“This is a natural behaviour that is completely normal and isn’t a cause for concern.”
OH I HOPE MY THREE CATS DON’T GO OUT TONIGHT AND “RETURN” WITH A NICE PLASMA TELEVISION SET AND MAYBE A PLAYSTATION 3! But if they do, I’ve got the perfect excuse. And now – as long as you own a cat – so do you.
Get pervertin’, everyone!
