When Someone Profits From Nash Bridges, We All Lose
July 8, 2010 in The Unbearable Lightness Of Television
Remember Nash Bridges? If you don’t, or have blocked out its existence thanks to long-term therapy coupled with the sort of pharmaceutical cocktail of drugs normally only allocated to compulsive fire-starters, well it was a show so removed from actual police procedure and normal means of human interaction that I’m sure that in another 40 years it’ll be seen as a surrealist classic by people who aren’t born yet. It “starred” Don Johnson in a range of waistcoats. And this “Don Johnson” fellow sued NBC for a share of the profits, and won.
To be precise – he won $23.2m. That’s right. $23.2m. That makes you feel better now, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it make you feel better that overly-bronzed sweatstain Don Johnson is now rolling around in that money, perhaps in his special waistcoat closet, rubbing all that money over his waistcoated-tits and groin, moaning in pleasure and dancing a little dance, short of breath, palpably erect, quivering at the knees, singing a happy little song maybe about waistcoats, as happy as Don Johnson has probably ever been?
Doesn’t that make you feel good, America?
Imagine the happy sex Don Johnson will be having tonight! He’ll be fucking something, looking at his reflection in a bronzed mirror, laughing and cumming repeatedly, then wiping himself down with enough money to buy 12 gold swimming pools and a platinum turkey farm, and then going back to more laughing and sex while probably having dollar bills still stuck to his ass, and he’s too busy counting his new money and laughing and having sex in front of a bronzed mirror to even notice he’s got thousands of dollars hanging from his once-pert ass-cheeks while you’ll be at the grocery store weeping and thinking seriously about hiring yourself out as a prostitute.
Well, tonight, as you imagine Don Johnson having sex in front of a bronzed mirror just after dancing another gleeful dance in his special waistcoat closet, his once-pert ass now covered in 23.2 million dollars that NBC somehow owed him for possibly the worst thing ever shown on television besides Two And A Half Men pumping up and down in rhythm to the slowly decaying beat of the heart of America, just think about Don Johnson, and how, whenever you look at him or Charlie Sheen, how they’ve made us all prostitutes, and how one in particular has ruined waistcoats, possibly forever.