Follicles: Dancing on the Edge of the Devil’s Razor
July 1, 2010 in Follicles - The TV Series
Previously on Follicles…
“I’ll be traveling back from Bend, OR. Beard Team USA Nationals is on the 5th.”
“We’re trying to run a business here.”
“I don’t want to see you get burned again by some superfluous addition of a razor.”
“I’m going to walk outside for a minute before I say something that I’m going to regret.”
“Shavington. Shavington!”
And now, “Follicles”:
*Door opens, SPP and Shavington walk in and hang their hats and trench coats on the coat rack*
SPP: “Another case solved, another case for the journal of weirdest cases I’ve been keeping. I can’t believe the perp was hiding underneath the bathtub. And I saw you eying the straight razor that we picked up as evidence. Already have some buyer’s remorse on that Mach 7 or whatever the hell it was?”
Shavington: “Are you referring to the New Gillette Fusion ProGlideTM Razor? No. I mean, I still like it and all, but part of me wishes that I could handle a traditional straight razor like the one we saw back there. I mean, did you see that guys skin? He said that he shaved THIS MORNING and he still didn’t have a shadow. Hey, aren’t you at all worried about him threatening to beat this rap and shave your beard off?”
*SPP strokes beard contemplatively.*
SPP: “You mean this old luxurious thing? I can imagine the envy, sure, but I’m not at all afraid of him threatening it, because that’s exactly what he did. You don’t remember him seething and saying, ‘I’ll get you and your little beard, too, if it’s the last thing I do!’ I thanked him for the poor attempt at the Wizard Of Oz line and we went on our merry way. No, not afraid of the threat itself, but I guess I might be slightly concerned about him actually coming after me and the attempted shavery. Shavery? Is that word?”
*Shavington walks over to the credenza and starts to prepare two drinks*
Shavington: “‘Shavery’ is absolutely a word, but what’s important is that you don’t take this threat too lightly. I just don’t see why a check kiter would react so violently towards a couple of private dicks. Well, let’s not worry about it. It looks like the “Case of the Corporate Check Kiter Who Signed His Name With An Ink Dipped Straight Razor” is wrapped up.”
*Shavington hands SPP a drink.*
Shavington: “So, what happened at that beard contest that you went to?”
SPP: “Shavington, please. It was a ‘Competition.’ ‘Contest’ makes it sound so unofficial or less sportsman like. And I now know 200 other burly dudes whose beards would be more than happy to do the talking for them.”
*SPP sips drink, swallows, exhales sharply through gritted teeth.*
SPP: “I love ginger ale. Anyway, I didn’t win, if that’s what you’re asking. But that’s not really the point with beard competitions. The moment you decide to stop shaving for good is the moment you become a winner. At least in my mind.”
*SPP shoots a glance at Shavington.*
SPP: “Err, ah, no offense there, Shavington.”
*Shavinton pours more liquor into SPP’s glass. The bottle is nondescript, but it’s probably rye. Yes, it’s definitely rye.*
Shavington: “Don’t you see how these competitions discriminate against my kind? You have a beard and I accept that. I shave and you accept it. Before we formed this agency, I had no idea that there were even such things as “Beardism” or “Shavism.” Now every week it seems that we have a case where this comes up.”
SPP: “But that’s the appeal of the show!”
*SPP looks at camera and winks.*
SPP: “And truth be told, in these competitions there’s no actual rules for who can enter, especially in the freestyle division where anything goes. Anything. We even had a few ladies adorned with home made facial hair enter. But again, that’s neither here nor hair. It’s true that without any facial hair, it’s extremely unlikely that you’d ever win a competition. But that doesn’t mean it’s discriminatory. You can’t claim discrimination against the NBA for not letting you play because you suck at basketball. Or if there were some kind of competition for the best clean shaven mugs in the nation. I’m sure I could enter, but I wouldn’t expect to win. You, on the other hand, would certainly get the gold from me.”
*Pause for live studio audience response, “awwe”*
Shavington: Thanks, chum. Hey, if we don’t get another case soon, we’re both going to have to try and cash in on our facial hair, or in my case, the complete lack thereof. That was our last case.”
*The phone rings. Shavington picks up..*
Shavington: “Panda Shaving… no we are a detective agency… no nothing to do with actual live pandas. We tried to make that part of our business, but there was licensing issues… You don’t say?… You need a bearded private investigator to infiltrate a local al Qaeda sleeper cell located right here in Newport News, Virginia. Yes, that’s something that we’d be interested in… Sounds great! See you soon.”
*SPP sighs.*
SPP: “I’m going to have to get my turban out of storage. On second thought, that might be racist. Forget the turban. It’s probably too warm down here in Newport News, Virginia, for any kind of head dressing. Anyway, I’m glad I started taking that beginning Arabic course down at the community college.”
*SPP looks at Shavington who is staring at SPP blankly and when he blinks it makes that squeaking noise.*
SPP: “What? Was it racist of me to assume these guys are Arabic? Oh, come on, how could I guess that this particular al Qaeda sleeper wasn’t made up of Islamic folk? Shit. I just keep digging myself deeper, don’t I? Perhaps this should be one of those special episodes with a moral about the dangers of racism at the end and we all hug Bob Saget.”
Shavington: “It was racist of you, but in this particular case it happens to be accurate. So, I guess in this case your racial crisis was averted. I was staring at your beard. I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but do you think that you could make it fuller? Maybe some beard mousse or something? I don’t know what you guys do to fluff those things out. Maybe some sort of scaffolding? If we’re really going to sell this cover, we’re going to need your beard looking glorious and huge. It’s all about the beards over there.”
SPP: “If I know Islamic fascists, then the mousse is a no go. It’s got to be all natural. I’ve got some tricks I can try to get it to start looking a bit longer. Straighter, anyway, and not so curly and kinky. If those tricks don’t work and my beard length comes up as a concern, I’ll just spin a yarn about being captured and thrown in Guantanamo and one of the methods of torture they used on me was to cut my beard inch by inch. They’ll love that.”
Shavington: “That’s so crazy that it just might work. Of course you’re going to need back up. I think…”
*Shavington walks over to the window. The camera angle switches to show a view from outside the window. It’s raining, but there is also a tear running down his cheek.*
SPP: “Shavington? What is it?”
Shavington: “I’m going to have to fit in. I can’t do it like this. I… I’m going to stop shaving.”
*From off scene a hand clasps Shavington’s shoulder from behind. Freeze scene. Dramatic music and the caption “To Be Continued…”*
