Wordsmoker

Our house was burglarized last year. The perpetrators kicked in our French doors in the back of the house, and managed to take off with our XBOX 360, Wii, MacBook, the zoom lens for our SLR camera, and Mr. MarshMueller’s fancy hiking/photography backpack. We were pissed. We were violated. We were grateful they didn’t take real things of value, like identity documents, heirloom jewelry, and grateful they didn’t steal/harm our animals. But we were still pissed.

Each night we awoke to the smallest of sounds, and became as paranoid as Robert Pattinson meeting new people. Oh, I’m sorry, Robert; you must have thought some silly little vampire franchise set in fucking Forks, WA was going to be as noticed as the little town itself.

The police came and took fingerprints, the contractor nailed our French doors shut. We not only wanted justice, but we wanted security. The detective who took fingerprints told us a security system was a waste of money. His advice: Secure our back fence, and buy Andersen French doors.

We secured our back yard, bought our Andersen French doors. But we still felt we needed to secure our valuables inside the house. We bought a safe and bolted it to the floor. After finally convincing me, Mr. MarshMueller bought a firearm.

But something still seems insecure.

Until I found the above: Sears.com is currently carrying the “Brief Safe” for $12.99. Their description of the product:

“The “Brief Safe” is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you’re traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4″ x 10″ secret compartment with Velcro closure and “special markings” on the lower rear portion. Leave the “Brief Safe” in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room – even the most hardened burgler or most curious snoop will “skid” to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn’t you?) Made in USA. One size. Color: white (and brown).”

I wonder who writes the product descriptions for Sears; not only do they misspell burglar, but they use terrible puns. I would have hated to be the designer of this “safe.”

Designer: Alright, boss! I think we’ve really got it this time. Take a look.

Boss: No, no, NO! Dammit, you need to use the spray paint cursor for those skidmarks! Not the paint bucket one, you moron! It needs to fade gradually up the ass.

Designer: But–but–but–

Boss: No butts, dammit! This is a safe! You think those skidmarks came from a night of bad Chinese food? No! They’ve got to be from a good steak-and-potatoes diet.

Oh, had I known about this product last year! Not only I could have hidden our nonexistent cash, but my high balance Nordstrom card right next to the skidmark! And even then, the jackass would have really missed it!

I think I will just stick to using my old atlas as my cash-keeping place, thank you very much.