Wordsmoker

Fox News is coming to Canada…our federal government is moist with anticipation. Fox News North they’re gonna call it. Great. Now millions more little American children will grow up with the certainty that Canada is nothing but North.  North…of everything. Even little Alaskan American children will come to believe that Canada is north of them; Sarah Palin is already convinced that’s true.

Well, call it whatever you want, I say. It’s not like Fox News worries that much about actual facts. And when it comes to Canada, as far as they’re concerned we’re just a vast, frigid land of northern peasant folk who continually threaten the United States with our evil socialist health care plan that (shudder) actually treats people when they’re sick and doesn’t bankrupt whole families for generations because someone needs an operation. How dare Canada threaten Republicans by treating the poor and the sick – free of charge, no less! Well, the Americans are gonna fix that right now, and Fox News is just the mouthpiece for hate that’s gonna do it!

But I digress. Back to our federal government and their damp, blue crotches.

A couple of things:

First, Canadians really aren’t nasty people. We pretty much do what we’re told by our government – sheep, some might say – and we don’t often put up much of a fight. We are polite to a fault, we don’t air our dirty laundry in public, we believe in human rights for people who aren’t male and white, we have gay marriage, we welcome immigrants to our country, and when we can, we try to help out those less fortunate.

Second, Canada is under attack by our own elected government – a mean-spirited gang of holier-than-thou Bible-thumping zealots who formulate public policy according to Leviticus. And it’s headed by the nastiest right wing Prime Minister (our very own George Bush-lite) this country has ever seen, whose ultra-Christian fundamentalist top advisors and their churches make Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church look like a whorehouse for homos.

They’re called Conservatives, sometimes Tories. They used to be called “Progressive” Conservatives, but that was just too fucking funny, so they dropped the pretence of any kind of progress. The truth is that Canadian Conservatives are just American Republicans in beaver suits.

And just like their fascist southern brethren, Conservatives are lubing up for a good, satisfying reaming by a host of screaming, talking television heads who will finally, finally convince those damned Canadian voters that poor people are a scourge upon society that should be exploited and (if Conservatives have their way) eradicated completely; that women should be forced to have every single child they conceive (even if it’s rape) and to get the hell out of the workforce and back into the kitchen where they belong; that immigrants (if they aren’t white) need to be deported back to wherever they came from; and (here’s their big one) that all homos should just die, or at least be legally subjected to intense state-sanctioned bigotry, gay bashing and discrimination so that (with luck) we’ll all just kill ourselves.

Sound familiar, Americans?

Yes, soon Canadians will be treated to the one-sided “news” reports of Fox News; to the “in-depth analysis” of commentators who can’t answer even a single question on Celebrity Jeopardy (aka, Are You Smarter Than a First Grader?); and to the completely non-partisan “editorials” from loser politicians trying desperately to hold onto the last vestiges of celebrity status.

Finally, some instructional videos that will teach Canadians to be truly hateful people. Finally, a television station that will beam into the homes of liberal-leaning East Coast fishermen and transform them into a suspicious, conspiracy-driven frenzy of hatred toward their fellow (non-white) man…and uppity women. Homo hating is a given. Finally, our government has a broadcast home they can call their own, where “Christian Values and the Supremacy of God Almighty in Everything” (as defined by Fox News North) will become the Canadian justification for prejudice, discrimination and wanton destruction of our environment by our Prime Minister’s Alberta oil sands financial contributors.

Prime Minister Harper (most Canadians call him Harpo and his gang of thieves Harpacrites) couldn’t be happier – his very own Republican propaganda machine right here at home.  Harpo loves propaganda; he doesn’t much care for the truth.

This is not particularly good news for a 57-year-old gay Eskimo with a boyfriend named Lady. In fact, it’s not particularly good for anyone who isn’t male, white, straight and, most important of all, rich. Canadians are pretty well fucked by our government, and the fucking is about to get even crazier.

The timing of this announcement is rich.

Canada has been invaded by the world’s top leeches – poop-chute pounding corporate and government giants from around the world are in Toronto to agree on how they can screw us even more royally. Get ready for a good bum fucking world, because not only is the G-20 their chance to formulate new ways to fuck us all, our beloved Prime Minister is already front and centre, pants down, dick at attention – no sloppy seconds for His Highness.

Don’t get me wrong. I like a good bum fuck as much as anyone – we Eskimos, we’re all bottoms, it’s tradition. But get me drunk first, will ya? And don’t make me read the Bible while I’m taking it up the ass, Mr. Prime Minister. For some reason it makes me feel like an abomination.

I guess I’m sounding a little angry right now, and that’s not the kind of guy I am. So I am going to be gracious. To all the esteemed delegates to the G-20 who are here to make the world a better place for everyone, and to the brilliant, insightful and intellectual commentators on Fox News North, I say:

“Welcome to Canada. Welcome to Toronto. Gentlemen, let the arse-pounding begin!”

Gotta head back to the ‘gloo. Yukon King went and entered the Iditarod again this year and we just got the letter – he’s been rejected again. Every year, it’s the same response: “You’re a fucking pug. Stop applying.” His poor little husky heart is gonna break.

See ya, eh?