Wordsmoker

As I see it there are five options in men’s underwear. Some are better than others but none are a panacea. The first is “Commando” which is no underwear at all. This is obviously the option which restricts the genitalia the least however; it is not without its drawbacks. The lack of an undergarment leaves one exposed to chafing from the seams of the pants and since it does not control movement may lead to an undue amount of adjustment. This option is also the least socially acceptable. Although if no one knows…

Next is the thong or banana hammock. I haven’t figured out the purpose of this piece of cloth. Ostensibly, it is to hold everything in place and provide a modicum of coverage. It would appear to be the least comfortable option. Since I have no experience with this one; have yet to find anyone willing to admit they have worn one; or anyone who wants to see anyone wearing one I cannot expound further. Maybe someone out there can help fill in the blanks here.

I will discuss boxers third. They offer all of the benefits of going “commando” or freeballing, with none of the drawbacks. The material protects you from abrasion but still leaves everything to hang where it will. When one is getting dressed you put them on like shorts and pick the side where you will store your equipment (right side if anyone is curious). A disadvantage of boxers (and also commando) is that it can be obvious where you store your equipment since it shows down one pant leg. The other disadvantage is that lack of support during strenuous physical activity. Still, these are the ideal option for day to day wear.

Fourth I will cover briefs. These can be purchased in colors or as the traditional tighty whitey, whichever you prefer (blue). When fitted properly they provide adequate support for most physical activity: running, working out, playing sports, etc. I feel they are too restrictive for routine wear but they have their place. Other than being restrictive, their main problem is sizing. The sizes must have been designed by a sadistic woman. The sizes are usually marked in the standard S, M, L, and XL, but they also put a waist size after the letter, something like 30-32 for medium and 34-36 for large. I am not exactly packing the Majestic but there is no way I can get my equipment into a pair whose labeled size matches my waist, at least not without singing soprano all day.

The last option is the newest option, the boxer brief. These have been around for a few years but I just got around to trying them. At first glance they would seem to be the ideal undergarment. They are boxers and briefs so they should have all of the benefits without any of the drawbacks, freedom of movement while providing support. Can these really be the answer?

No, I say. No! No! No!

These ridiculous things start out promising the world but they have a dark underbelly. Sizing was promising. I have a 32 inch waist (drool if you must) but have to buy my briefs in a large for reasons stated above. I did the same here. They fit okay at the waist and provided support without feeling like Lucy Liu’s character Pearl from Payback had grabbed hold of my genitals. So far, so good. Once I started to move around the trouble started. These are boxer briefs. They are not entirely briefs and they do not want to hold everything like briefs. Part of me began to fall down one side, and the left side at that. I made my first trip to the bathroom for an adjustment. I hoped this would not continue since I was only thirty minutes into a ten hour work day. If you haven’t guessed by now I’ll tell you that it continued, all day long. I actually gave up and adjusted myself so that things would at least hang on the right side, which is also the correct side. The problem here is that these are not boxers. They are part brief. Once I had worked down the right side the boxer briefs pinned it against my leg and Pearl began knocking on the door. I gave up and took my lunch break at home to change.