I Watch This Shit So You Don’t Have To – The “Twilight” Edition
Want to know what all the fuss is about movies you are not interested in? Well, I’ll watch anything so I’m here to help. First up is the Twilight Saga, which you may have heard about. I do not have my Eclipse ticket yet but I will probably just sneak into it after seeing the Joan Rivers documentary.
Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan falls down a lot. She is not creeped out by vampire Edward Cullen’s lipstick and lack of vocabulary so they fall in love. There is also some other guy who likes Bella who has long hair and almost got fired from the series for not being buff enough. Oddly enough, Edward’s family, while being supernaturally fast, are fans of the slowest sport in the world besides curling, baseball. This upsets some other vampires who try to murder Bella because she is the ref. Wacky complications ensue in Phoenix that have nothing to do with immigration but fear not – Bella and Edward get to go to the prom.
Alice, Edward’s sister, throws a party where everyone discovers Kristen Stewart can’t act. Edward leaves, Bella haz a sad and there are apparently no antidepressants in Forks. However, things change when she is hypnotized by the chiseled abdominals of a bunch of CGI dogs. That guy from the first one who was almost fired really got some trainer! Somehow, Edward’s crushing of a cell phone takes Bella to Italy where he is about to sparkle inappropriately. The happy couple then visit the Vampire Vatican with Tony Blair and Dakota Fanning. Wacky complications ensue very slowly and it ends suddenly and broodingly. We never do find out if Kristen Stewart is able to close her mouth.