Avatar of Nina Hagen

by

I Watch This Shit So You Don’t Have To – The “Twilight” Edition

June 24, 2010 in twilight, Wordsmoker

Want to know what all the fuss is about movies you are not interested in? Well, I’ll watch anything so I’m here to help. First up is the Twilight Saga, which you may have heard about. I do not have my Eclipse ticket yet but I will probably just sneak into it after seeing the Joan Rivers documentary.

Twilight

Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan falls down a lot. She is not creeped out by vampire Edward Cullen’s lipstick and lack of vocabulary so they fall in love. There is also some other guy who likes Bella who has long hair and almost got fired from the series for not being buff enough. Oddly enough, Edward’s family, while being supernaturally fast, are fans of the slowest sport in the world besides curling, baseball. This upsets some other vampires who try to murder Bella because she is the ref. Wacky complications ensue in Phoenix that have nothing to do with immigration but fear not – Bella and Edward get to go to the prom.

New Moon

Alice, Edward’s sister, throws a party where everyone discovers Kristen Stewart can’t act. Edward leaves, Bella haz a sad and there are apparently no antidepressants in Forks. However, things change when she is hypnotized by the chiseled abdominals of a bunch of CGI dogs. That guy from the first one who was almost fired really got some trainer! Somehow, Edward’s crushing of a cell phone takes Bella to Italy where he is about to sparkle inappropriately. The happy couple then visit the Vampire Vatican with Tony Blair and Dakota Fanning. Wacky complications ensue very slowly and it ends suddenly and broodingly. We never do find out if Kristen Stewart is able to close her mouth.

Related Posts

Tags: , , , ,  

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/notwavingbutdrowning/ notwavingbutdrowning

    I would like to sparkle inappropriately in Italy.

    Also I want more reviews of shit like this that I will never see. I now feel like I have some small amount of cultural literacy that I could never possibly attain in any other way.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/sproing/ Sproing

    Michael Sheen (Tony Blair/fey vampire judge guy) recently tweeted about acquiring a DVD of “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari” and an “Elric” paperback. So I suspect he’s just nerdy enough to have wanted to play a vampire or werewolf his entire life, and now he’s doubled up. Good on him.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/whyamihere/ WhyamIhere?

    I still don’t understand why the werewolves and vampires fight. Dracula controlled the wolves which would seem to obviate the possibilty of fighting. Can you explain this or do I need to ask Shortcake?

    I love the tag “Team Help Me.”

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @Sproing: I agree. This inspired me to go out and see a Miley Cyrus movie and then write a review like this. Well done, Ms. Hagen.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/gerbilsinlove/ gerbilsinlove

    Thank you a thousand times, Ms. Hagan, for going where I would dare never go. I am the current owner of a 12 year-old boy, so I don’t have to see any of this shit, for which I am also thankful. Anyone who has ever had the misfortune of seeing Kristen “Woodenface” Stewart in anything knows that she is never without her mouthbreathing stance. Her husband, Pinnochio, finds it zexy.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/marshmueller/ marshmueller

    It is obvious Stephanie Meyer has never been to Forks, WA, as they don’t even have baseball. Or anything interesting other than a wooded rainforest in the Pacific Northwest, which would totally tone down the sparkle factor.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

    @Gerbils: Sister, I am spraying you in the eyes with my Love’s Baby Soft perfume. I’m solidly Team Edward, who is tall, brooding and handsome. Get away from me with your Twilight-hating self!

    @Marsh: A-hem, that’s Stephenie with an “e.”

    Yes, I have stepped out of the Twilight closet and there’s no pushing me back in. Bring on your scorn.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/katekate/ katekate is squared

    MAMA PENGUINO: TWILIGHT MOM, Wednesdays at 10/9c on E!.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/marshmueller/ marshmueller

    @Mama: Ah, yes. I forgot Ms. Meyer spells her name differently. My apologies. Please don’t sic Kristen Stewart on me! Just one look from her constant dead-behind-the-eyes-or-stoned-out-of-her-mind-or-maybe-both look would most likely be my demise.

    I haven’t read the books and don’t have the desire to see the movies, so, thank you Nina for the recap.

    But if I get bored on a road trip this summer, and my only options for reading are Stephenie’s books, I guess I’ll have to succumb. I’m just afraid I will geek out like I did with LOTR, Harry Potter, and LOST. Don’t ask. I already have to defend myself for those, so I dodn’t want to add anything to my Geek Factor. I may be blonde, but that only gets me so far.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/ninahagen/ Nina Hagen

    MM: Never did Harry, LOTR or Lost – WHO IS THE GEEK NOW???

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/weegees_bored/ Weegee\’s Bored

    WHYAMIHEAR, they fight because what else is there to do at night in fucking Transylvania.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/weegees_bored/ Weegee\’s Bored

    This is set in Phoenix, Arizona? I hope they have their papers in order.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/whyamihere/ WhyamIhere?

    @Weegee’s Bored:

    Re:

    they fight because what else is there to do at night in fucking Transylvania.

    I can see your point but Dracula could control the wolves so they would not have been able to fight him. Since Dracula was a vampire I assumed this was a power of vampires. Now if Edward could control wolves then he woud be able to control the werewolf, Jacob, and there would be no fight. Since the movie was about this big fight, then no fight would mean no movie and we would all be spared.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ Latterday Lenin

    I’ve been to Phoenix, and trust me, this is the most interesting thing to ever happen there. Salt Lake City is a more lively place.

    Forks, however, has anything you could ever want.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/berightback/ berightback

    This Dinosaur Comic is somewhat shockingly relevant to both this post and the Book Club post (the ants that combine themselves to form a larger ant is an oblique Taylor Lautner/Taylor Swift joke, I’m sure of it).

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/sarahheartburn/ SarahHeartburn

    Every time I read a review of anything in this series, it always refers to the fact that Edward “sparkles”. Which my sick mind/and/or/myopia converts to “tinkles”. Which makes me giggle.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

    @Kate: You’ve just given me a great idea for a column. I would like to add a few disclaimers to my original comment: I have no Twilight paraphernalia, I do not own all the books but simply was the recipient of a “pass along,” and I rarely, if ever, think of these people outside of reading the book or sitting in the movie theatre watching the movie. I know, I know – it probably seems like I’m back-pedaling in order to appear less loser-ish when you all know I’m as far from cool as the 7th level of Hell.

    Having said that, HARRY POTTER! Why would anyone deny him or herself the unmitigated pleasure that is Harry Potter? Even Mr. Penguino, who thinks he’s the love child of Mojo Nixon and Warren Zevon loves Harry Potter (but won’t admit it outside the confines of our home). Harry Potter is not comparable to Twilight, trust me. It’s safe to go there.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/gerbilsinlove/ gerbilsinlove

    Mama P: Imma get you with my Bonnie Bell lipgloss! I hope you have a whole lot of that Baby Soft, because you’re going to need it to get past the smell of that greasy, dirty looking Edward, He Who Never Bathes.

    MarshMueller: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…….Oh. She frightens me. I think maybe she’s in that select class of “actors” that are “special.” You know what I mean.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/ninahagen/ Nina Hagen

    Mr. Hagen has confessed – he thinks Ms. Stewart is hot! I am speechless.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/marshmueller/ marshmueller

    @Gerbils: HAHA! That sounds like a great idea for Wordsmoker Anthropology: Actors who are “special.” Not special in the mentally challenged realm, but special as in “how the fuck did they land that part other than the casting couch, and if we turned a paper bag on top of them, would they know how to escape?”

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/gerbilsinlove/ gerbilsinlove

    MM: I think we would have quite a contingent for that; see: Jessica Alba, Tori Spelling, Ashton Kutcher.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/berightback/ berightback

    NH: I’ve never watched the Twilight series, but everyone who has slams her acting so much it kind of pains me, because I’ve actually liked her in the stuff I have seen her in (Adventureland, Panic Room, The Safety of Objects), her lanky butch energy. I maintain that she’s terribly miscast or lazily directed in the series. Your husband is into boyish lesbians in unconvincing femme-drag, apparently.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/ninahagen/ Nina Hagen

    BRB: Well, I’m glad we’ve solved that! Mr. Hagen & I are grateful. For the record, I have short hair and enjoy wearing plaid old man shorts. I think a large part of the KS problem is that the actual character is such a nothing – a cipher – so how can Bella ever be interesting when she has no discernible qualities?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mockingbird/ mockingbird

    NH: She is actually good in things other than Twilight, and seems to possess a brain, a rarity in young hollywood actresses. I finally caught some of Twilight on cable the other week, and laughed so hard I want to organize a party to watch it and New Moon on DVD, while drinking Lushy Slushies (tm MRD). But my living room is tiny and can only fit like three people to watch my crappy old TV.

    Although I have not read any of the books, and have only seen part of the first movie, I am ridiculously well versed in all things Twihard, as I am a loyal reader of Cleolinda’s Live journal. Don’t laugh- her recap of the fourth book was linked by NYMag.com and Newsweek.com, and will have you falling over with laughter. If you think Twilight is bad, wait until you read about the vampire c-section. Which they are considering doing *off screen*. I just, no, I want to see that, and I want it in 3-D. Oh, I also want a special screening of each film for those of us who feel the need to laugh, so Team Edward tweens don’t kill us. For Cleo’s glossary of all things Twihard, and her recaps of the books go here.

    I try to explain to my friend who is a financial journalist that as a struggling writer in Hollywood, knowing this shit is part of my job, but he doesn’t get it. Just like I don’t get why anyone needs to know about agribusiness futures in China.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/fishnetsandcigarettes/ Fishnets & Cigarettes

    i understand the whole teenage sparkly vamipre thing. The robert pattinson thing. even the taylor lautner thing (i just saw him on the Today show – how fucking gay IS he???)

    I don’t get the kristen Stewart thing. she can’t act. She’s not particularly cute. Is it because she’s so….normal and unthreatening to teen girls?

    She would have hated me in high school. and vice versa.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/blix/ Blix

    Fishnets: I missed Lautner on the Today show. How geigh was he?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/blix/ Blix

    Fishnets: I watched the clip without the sound and the most terrifying thing was the army of adoring tweens. I fear the mob.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

    @Fishnets: I think that’s exactly it. Girls relate because she’s not the usual blondie with good boobs and cool clothes; she’s an outsider and whether they are or not, most teen girls believe themselves to be the outsider or at the very least, different from everyone else.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/gerbilsinlove/ gerbilsinlove

    Blix: Super geigh. Truly.