Follicles: Crossing Blades
June 3, 2010 in Follicles - The TV Series
Shavington: “So, what do you think? Excited?”
Samurai Panda Poetry: “Unless it’s got a laser, I’m not interested. Was that Derek Jeter?”
Shavington: “Who’s that? One of your music groups? I don’t know if it’s a laser or some extra blades or whatever. I’m going to let the service know not to make any appointments. We’ll take the sixth off.”
Samurai Panda Poetry: “The sixth of June? It’s a Sunday. Won’t be working anyway. You know I don’t work on Sundays, unless properly compelled by money or women. But in this case, I’ll be traveling back from Bend, OR. Beard Team USA Nationals is on the 5th. I’m competing, you know. So hopefully I can make it back in time for your coming out party. That’s what you call this kind of thing, right? Where the razor ‘comes out’ of the factory sealed packaging?”
Shavington: “Another competition? We’re trying to run a business here. I suppose I’m going to have to endure some sort of three hour a day beard growth yoga ritual or something. Our cases are just starting to pick up and you’re going to be jetting off to Oregon? And right before the big Gillette announcement.”
Samurai Panda Poetry: “”Don’t worry, man, I’ll network while I’m there. I always do. The bearded need investigators too. Granted, what they’re looking for usually ends up within the beard, but a case is a case. And no, no, the yoga’s for my back. I heard about this new technique for getting your hair to grow faster. A friend of mine said that her hair always seems to grow faster when she goes through considerably lengthy periods of time of pulling it into a ponytail on a regular basis. So I’m going to try that. And again, I don’t know what you’re so excited about, even if it is freakin’ lasers. Remember that battery operated vibrating handle razor you picked up a while back? You were all excited and tried to convince me the vibrating wasn’t sexual in nature at all and the bathroom was a buzz for about a week and yet I haven’t heard the buzzing since. So what’s a freakin’ laser going to do that a ten cent cheap plastic double blade can’t do?”
Shavington: “I’m going to walk outside for a minute before I say something that I’m going to regret.”
Shavington starts toward the door, but then pauses and turns.
Shavington: “Okey, look, I might have gotten a little too excited about the vibrating handle before I realized how lame it was. I’m a big boy. I can take the criticism. But what if this is something huge, like when Gillette came up with the Fusion. You walk around here brushing your fancy beard like you were born with it. Well, I have a long memory and I remember you when your chin wasn’t all that different from mine. You want to go to your contests? Well that’s fine, but I am not going to let you piss all over a Gillette announcement.”
Shavington turns and heads towards door again.
Samurai Panda Poetry: “Aw, damn it to hell. Shavington. Shavington! Shit. Now I’ve spilled the milk. Shavington!”
SPP follows Shavington out the door, catches up to him.
Samurai Panda Poetry: “Look, mate, I’m sorry. And I’m even more sorry I just tried to pull off using the word ‘mate,’ like I’m an Englishman or something. But I think that may show you how serious I’m taking you now, as opposed to how not serious I was taking you earlier. I’m just trying to look out for you, man. I don’t want to see you get burned again by some superfluous addition of a razor. You’ll end up spending a fortune on specialty refills, and your chin might feel or look softer to you, but I’ve got to tell you – when I look at your smooth and shaven cheeks and chin, all I see is an empty canvas, a canvas ripe and ready for some facial hair. I know I need to get over that. I mean, that’s who we are, two totally different dudes, one with a beard and one without, that is what’s so charming about us, and I need to fully realize that being clean shaven is just as valid a facial hair choice as any. But until I do, you’ve got to bare with me and my insensitivity. Now I know this may sound like an apology, and I’ll grant you this may be the closest thing you’ll get to one, so it’ll have to do. After all, with a beard like this, I’ve got a bad ass reputation to uphold.”
Shavington walks over and puts a hand on SPP’s shoulder.
Shavington: “We both need to be okey with it.”
Shavington removes hand walks over to the credenza and starts preparing two drinks from a Steuben drinking set.
Shavington: “Can we discuss a little business now? We have a client. Standard tail job. A rich guy wants us to follow his wife around for the evening. She’s scheduled to go to a debutant ball, followed by a biker rally. She uses a car service. I think you have a contact there.”
Samurai Panda Poetry: “Oh, yes, Jimmy the Rat, head of the Debutant Ball Association. Not a ball drops in this city that Jimmy don’t have a hand in. He owes me a favor from way back. He was short handed on chaperons and begged me to help out with one of his balls, the only caveat being that I had to shave for it. Granted, this was in the early stages of my growing, but even after sixth months, it’s hard to let it go. Even for the biggest balls this town has ever seen.”
Shavington: “I was thinking that I would take the ball and you would take the biker rally. Hair and balls just don’t make a great combination. Or an inconspicuous one. Why don’t you grab your coat and hat? If we leave now, we can get another drink or two before our lunch meeting with the client. I have a feeling we may need them.”
Samurai Panda Poetry: “Hmm. You know, you just verified a suspicion of mine. All that time spent shaving your face, had to figure it would spread elsewhere. I think I’m going to start calling you inconspicuous genitalia. Maybe that could be the title of your memoirs. Come on. Up top.”
SPP raises open palm in the air and holds, waiting for high five. Shavington starts to turn away, pauses and gives him a reluctant high five as he says:
Shavington: “Now, let’s go get that drink.”
The camera freezes on the two men high fiving.