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How To Be Creepy

May 21, 2010 in Scary!

1. Drive a van.

2. Sport a mustache.

3. When you talk to girls, try to look as though you want to lick their face.

4. Go jogging wearing nothing but a pair of sneakers and a banana hammock.

5. Hit on pregnant moms.

6. When you meet someone, try to know their name, place of employment and home address ahead of time. Then, casually drop that information in the middle of your first conversation. When they show alarm, just smile knowingly and wink.

7. Wear a t-shirt that reads, “Sex Instructor: First Lesson Free” and is about one size too small to hide your paunch.

8. Carry a Bowie knife strapped to your leg.

9. Stare at women. When they catch you staring don’t try too hard to hide it and definitely don’t smile or do anything that might be charming. Just keep on with the staring.

10. Be a Scientologist. If you can’t do this, then just emulate Tom Cruise to the best of your ability.

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  • http://wordsmoker.com/ Latterday Lenin

    Hey, pregnant moms like to feel attractive too.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lipsticklibrarian/ LipstickLibrarian

    I see at least three of these guys in my library every day.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/harrietspys/ harrietspys

    #4 was our neighbor. He also mowed his lawn in nothing but his budgie smuggler. Unfortunately, he was in his 60′s. We moved.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/sarah-of-a-lesser-god/ sarah of a lesser god

    #8 is very true. Another way to be creepy with knives is to bring your own plastic knife and fork everywhere you go and refuse to use the proffered silverware (at restaurants or dinner parties), muttering that “it smacks of communism to use the same cutlery others have employed.”

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @BJ: If I get caught staring, I just stare back. “Fortune favors the bold, my friend.” – Greyson Stone. Words to live by.

    With that said 3, 5, 6, 9. Interpret this any way you want.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/marshmueller/ marshmueller

    #3 made me laugh so hard. I will now try to determine what that face looks like. Apparently I don’t have a face the creepy guys even want to think about licking.

    #1 should add bonus Creepy Points if said van is white and sans windows.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/katekate/ katekate is squared

    Sounds like someone’s speaking from experience, bj old buddy.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    Kate: I do what I can.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/perverseus/ perverseus

    Y’all seem to be commenting as if creepy were bad. Most of these “tips” have been working for me like magic for years. More than two decades as a legal adult, no convictions, just sayin’…

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/irishbreakfast/ irishbreakfast

    Is there no female equivalent of creepy? Stalker-ish is the only thing that comes to mind but that’s more criminal than creepy.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/militantrubberducky/ MilitantRubberDucky

    @IrishBreakfast: Does this count?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/irishbreakfast/ irishbreakfast

    Oh, come on: she’s not creepy! She’s an editor; he’s overdue and spent the advance. What was she supposed to do?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/militantrubberducky/ MilitantRubberDucky

    @Irish: Touche.