Wordsmoker

The eruption of the volcano under the Eyjafjallajökull glacier in Iceland spewed an ash cloud that crippled air travel throughout most of Europe for a week.  Airlines lost as much as $2 billion, and tens of thousands of travelers were inconvenienced or stranded.  More importantly, my first ever overseas business trip had to be canceled.  Was there more to Eyjafjallajökull than meets the eye?  This Conspiracy Corner is personal.

Was the eruption related to Iceland’s debts?

After a decade of dizzying growth, Iceland’s economy collapsed in October, 2008, and most of its banks were nationalized.  Last month, Icelanders rejected terms of a deal to repay more than $5 billion owed to Britain and the Netherlands as part of the “Icesave” accords that provided compensation to those with accounts in failed banks.

Some conspiracy theorists speculate that The Powers That Be (TPTB) deliberately triggered the volcano using technology such as HAARP to punish Icelanders for their effrontery.  HAARP (High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program), as I’ve previously discussed, is a U.S. military research project that blasts the ionosphere with high-frequency radio waves to study communications and navigation.  Its critics believe it is an environmental warfare program that can cause earthquakes and other “natural” disasters.

According to this theory, the eruption was intended to dissuade the Dfkjjiajjks, the Krfjiakj-Ffrnkias, and their sorry scrota-eating ilk from further displays of rebellion against the global banking system and the New World Order.

Others point to the Super Dual Auroral Radar Network (SuperDARN), another research project that studies the ionosphere, this one with an installation in… wait for it… Iceland!

Was God expressing his ambivalence about Obamacare?

According to Rush Limbaugh, after the godless, socialist health care package passed, President Obama “ran around all over the country” bragging that the earth hadn’t opened up yet, and that there’d been no Armageddon.  But “God may have replied” to Obama in His own special, Godlike way.  (H/T: Gawker)

God apparently replied by punishing the wrong country, but can a man who can’t grasp the birthplace of the president be expected to keep such insignificant details straight?

Was the air travel crisis manufactured?

Conspiracy theorists who take their meds as prescribed will grant that the volcanic eruption was a natural phenomenon.  It’s the closing of so much of European airspace that raises the antennae on their tinfoil hats.

Some of them maintain there was no volcanic ash whatsoever.  Others believe that its effects were greatly exaggerated as a pretext to keep planes grounded due to a massive terrorist threat against airliners or against the world leaders converging in Poland for the funeral of President Lech Kaczynski.  Or possibly so that the NATO “Brilliant Mariner” exercises could be conducted away from prying eyes.

Did Nostradamus predict this?

According to his followers, Nostradamus predicted every event in the world for the past 400 years including all Top Chef winners.  According to his detractors, his famous quatrains are nothing more than cryptic gibberish which can be “interpreted” to mean anything at all.

Some people think that Chapter (“century”) 9, number 83 predicted the eruption:

The sun in twenty degrees of Taurus, there will be a great earthquake;
the great theater full up will be ruined.
Darkness and trouble in the air, on sky and land,
when the infidel calls upon God and the Saints.

Bear in mind this is the same Nostradamus who foretold that McCain would win the 2008 election.  And didn’t Nostradamites warn us that the world would end in 1999 because he didn’t predict anything beyond that?

Was CERN responsible for the volcano erupting?

After problems with its superconducting magnets were resolved, the CERN Large Hadron Collider near Geneva was recently switched back on.  It is the largest and highest energy particle accelerator on earth.  Some people are convinced that LHC can produce micro black holes that will move to the center of the earth, slowly devouring it from the inside until it’s nothing more than a point in space and even Kate Gosselin will disappear.  Increased earthquake and volcanic activity would be a sign of this growing black hole, and Eyjafjallajökull is their smoking gun.

Naturally, Nostradamus predicted this, too, in chapter 9, number 44:

All should leave Geneva.
Saturn turns from gold to iron,
The contrary positive ray will exterminate everything,
there will be signs in the sky before this.

According to Nostradamites, this means that bashing high-energy proton beams together in the presence of so much pressurized helium could be a very bad thing indeed.

Did the volcano trigger an outbreak of adultery?

Some people say that the volcanic eruption led to eruptions of another kind.  OK, this isn’t exactly a conspiracy theory.  But we don’t talk about sex nearly enough on Wordsmoker, and this is as good an excuse as any.

Illicit Encounters, the dating company for married people who want to have affairs, claims that demand for its services has spiked because bored stranded people are turning to adulterous sex to pass the time.

Maybe they were just hoping to find people who had hotel rooms.  My problem was that my trip was cancelled before I had an opportunity to be stranded. Which explains a lot about my week.

Feel free to write to me at renesance1 (at) gmail (dot) com with any tips or suggestions for future columns.  Or if you want a good deal on some U.S.-to-Europe plug adapters.