Why We Hate Iceland — An Objective Look at History’s Worst Polluter
April 18, 2010 in Terrifying Things
Recent international events have precipitated what some would refer to as a “jingoistic” posture toward the tiny island nation of Iceland. On the one hand, the liberal media has been quick to utter the all too familiar cries of “hate mongering” and “xenophobia,” while the grassroots Tea Party Movement has proposed to amend their core value statement to read as follows:
- Fiscal Responsibility
- Constitutionally Limited Government
- Free Markets
- Immediate invasion of the rogue nation of Iceland, enslavement of all of its citizens and the destruction of the landmass itself.
At first glance, these measures may seem extreme to those on the left and even to some moderates. However, it would be irresponsible to dismiss the idea of an Icelandic invasion without first learning a few facts about the people and culture of our tiny island nemesis. Based on the massive amount of polling data exposing the ignorance of common American’s about our own nation, it can be inferred that most of us are even more unaware of Iceland.
It is with this assumption that I’ve prepared a list of facts designed to inform the reader about the Icelandic threat so that he or she can make an informed opinion and not appear to be giving in to some sort of “mob hysteria”:
- With only 320,000 inhabitants, Iceland comprises only .0047% of the world population, making it virtually impossible for them to mount an effective resistance against even third rate militaries.
- Although surrounded by inhospitable terrain (the ocean), Iceland only supports a bombing target area of 103,000 km2.
- Iceland was settled in the Ninth Century by Norsemen — a warlike people of the ancient world known for their bloodthirstiness, inconsiderate descendants and volcanic manipulations.
- Iceland participated in the unpopular Iraq invasion of 2003.
- In 1949, Icelanders rioted over their country’s decision to join the newly formed NATO. Icelanders love to riot. I guess they preferred jumping into bed with Stalin and his boys.
- On May 23, 2002, Iceland signed the Kyoto Protocol. Now, just short of eight years later, Iceland has emerged as the number one producer of green house gas emissions per capita in the world from the period of April 11 – 18, 2010.
- While the rest of the world was unaware of Iceland’s reckless disregard for its neighbors, the country was profiting from a “let’s bilk the tourists by exploiting a horrific ‘natural’ disaster scheme.”
- According to a 2005 report by NationMaster.com, Iceland ranks 52nd in the world in emigration to the US. The report goes on to say that the ungrateful nation exports 5.9 persons per million people of its population to our country annually. This means fewer jobs for Americans.
- Iceland, for reasons unknown, does not participate in the G-8 Summit.
Iceland through the use of its volcano, Eyjafjallajoekull, has caused the biggest disruption to air travel in history. Please keep in mind that this is occurring on the same continent that has endured two World Wars.- During WWII, the British invaded Iceland because it was rubbing elbows with the Nazis and generally being a dick to the Allies.
- In 2006, the Icelandic government started issuing whaling licenses for commercial interests. Prior to that, one could only practice whaling if it was part of scientific research. What kind of experiment requires a dead whale, Iceland?
If the above information seems to cultivate an agenda to build a case against Iceland, consider the facts that were not included because they were deemed to be too inflammatory:
- Due to the extremely cold climate, Iceland’s government routinely agitates Eyjafjallajoekull to pirate away its geothermal power.
- Iceland has one of the worst track records for the treatment of dogs and cats in the world. The hermit crab (Pagurus bernhardus) is the preferred pet of Icelanders.
- Iceland has never led an international outcry against any genocide, but has merely been content to follow other benevolent nations in their fight against ethnic cleansing.
- Great Britain (July 4, 1776) – ISLAND. Japan (December 7, 1941) – ISLAND, Iceland (April 18, 2010) – ISLAND.
Please understand that this is not a call to violence against Icelandic-American citizens. I’m not condoning marching down to your local fishmonger and tarring and feathering him and/or his children (depending on how you are fixed for supplies), but I do think that non-Icelandic-Americans are owed some answers. Real Americans have the Constitutional right to ask questions, and anyone who would deny them that right by refusing to answer or masking his or her Icelandic origin, deserves to be tarred and feathered.
Today I saw a little boy coughing at the market. When I asked his parents what was wrong with him — as I do whenever I see a child coughing — they told me that he had eaten a volcanic ash covered Minke whale-meat kebab that he bought from an Icelandic street hawker. Do you want this happening to your child? Do you want this happening to your entire country?
BookishLookish said on April 18, 2010
CL, you are not alone in your dislike of Iceland!
http://www.forkparty.com/skynews-i-hate-iceland/
I know this is jestful, but let me just say: Motherfuck that fucking in-bred Jew-hating backwater and all its peppy little volcanoes.
Jews weren’t even allowed in Iceland until the early-twentieth century and you can bet its leaders wanted to keep Iceland “racially pure” as long as they could. Wartime leaders were playing footsie with the Nazis for sure, and from Word War Two until the 1960s, several Icelandic cabinets led by political parties on the right and on the left asked U.S. military authorities not to send black soldiers to the NATO bases in Iceland (and of course, the U.S. government complied).
I do like the Sugarcubes, though.
irishbreakfast said on April 18, 2010
I would like to point out that the author of this post has failed to cite any proper sources. The citation of improper sources would have been nice, but fool me once, shame on me….etc.
That said, if we can take Granada we can at least taunt Iceland.
Rene Sance said on April 18, 2010
I call upon the president of Iceland, Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson, to stop evading the central issue and produce his birth certificate immediately. Same for his entire cabinet, as well as every man, woman, and child living in that Björk-boinking hellhole.
Mama Penguino said on April 19, 2010
I think Vikings are hot.
lawyergay said on April 19, 2010
To your fourth point, above, I propose adding:
4(a) “‘Enslavement of all its citizens’ includes, but is not limited to, elves, faeries, trolls, Kraken(s), and Björkae.”
Belltolls said on April 19, 2010
I will bet after the investigation is done, they will find out that Iceland’s name is not even Iceland.
Blix said on April 19, 2010
Iceland, who knew?
NefariousNewt said on April 19, 2010
Psssst! Iceland is actually the frozen remains of Atlantis.
Chillbear Latrigue said on April 19, 2010
I know it seems wrong to be this way, but I just had an Icelandic family move into my neighborhood. My house is my biggest investment and the real estate crash didn’t help. Now, just as the market is recovering, I have to contend with a bunch of “cubes” moving into my neighborhood? They tried to bring me over a jar of some sort of cod preserves, but I just pretended I wasn’t home. They left it on my step. Does anyone like fish jelly?
Blix said on April 19, 2010
CL: We shoot anyone who answers yes, no?
Belltolls said on April 19, 2010
@CL;Blix It’s the Dfkjjiajjk family, isn’t it?
Chillbear Latrigue said on April 19, 2010
@BellTolls, no it’s a different family of cubes: the Krfjiakj-Ffrnkia’s. I know the ones that your talking about tough.
@Blix: No, shooting cubes is still illegal for the time being.
Baroness said on April 19, 2010
@Bookish: Really?! That is an eye opener. Good to hear, I’m sick of smug Icelandic superiority attitudinalism.
- I seem to remember in the early 2000′s there were endless glossy magazine articles about how oh so fabulous Iceland was, but tee-hee: you’re too poor to visit, giggle! A magical place where a beer costs $20, every article about Iceland was written by some Underminer. “Off to the midnight rave, then skinny-dipping in a hot spring! Wish you were here, but I know that temp job needs all your attention. Later!”
- Chill mentioned the rate of Icelandic emigration to the US. They all get featured spots at BAM performing concerts on their laptops with “childlike simplicity”, plinking away while the NY critics love ascribing magical qualities – volcanoes and faeries!- and deep meaning to a bunch of slackers who can’t believe their luck. Robert Wilson hires them as “ambience engineers” for the summer at his art cult in Water Mill.
- All this eruption is is methane from Bjork’s unicorn farm, ha ha. No seriously, can we talk about her? Used to love her. Honestly. Find her music immensely pretentious and grating in recent years. The Icelandic Baby Jane, milking that faux-naif persona to death for years.
BookishLookish said on April 19, 2010
@Ness: http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/abs/10.1162/1520397042350892
BookishLookish said on April 19, 2010
@Blix @CL: I think you mean “Dfkjjiajjksdottir.”
perverseus said on April 20, 2010
The general consensus is that Iceland is green and Greenland is icy. While your arguments build a relatively strong case for invasion, subjugation, and destruction, just the whole name thing is aggravating enough to warrant at least an international bitch slap.
Blix said on April 20, 2010
Baronness: “Icelandic Baby Jane” melted the glacier of my heart. Thanks!
Mama Penguino said on April 20, 2010
Did anyone hear the story on Iceland this morning on NPR? They are laughing at you, Europe, and enjoying the plume of ash that is preventing you from leaving the airport!
NefariousNewt said on April 20, 2010
@MAMA PENGUINO: Actually, it was a plot hatched by Europe to keep tourists around longer so they would spend more money and prop up their sagging economies.
Chillbear Latrigue said on April 20, 2010
Does everyone remember how Iceland was the only way that Europe could invade North America in Risk, but it masked itself as an unimportant territory by only providing you with two points?
On another note, I saw that family of cubes taking their trash down to the curb today. When they went to work, I checked it out, but all I could find was fish jelly and coffee grinds. Crafty fuckers.
Blix said on April 20, 2010
CB: Now I feel an irrational urge to attack Australia and hunker down for the easy armies. Good times!
marshmueller said on April 20, 2010
@Chill: I never realized that about Risk. How sneaky of Iceland. Granted, I would never build a defense based in Europe. If you were set up in Europe, you’re basically screwed.
WhyamIhere? said on April 20, 2010
Worst polluter? I think you are forgetting the 1883 explosion of the Krakatau volcano. It caused shock waves around the world and lowered the earth’s temperature by blocking sunlight. Icelanders are just a bunch of wanna-bes in comparison. Now if Iceland’s volcano blows up and destroyes their island, maybe they will have something.
BookishLookish said on April 20, 2010
Mmm, ram’s testicles!
http://tv.gawker.com/5520680/stephen-colbert-uncovers-massive-icelandic-travel-conspiracy
Baroness said on April 20, 2010
@Blix- Her Heart Belongs to Daddysigmunsvensen! Her fattir’s dottir, ya.
@Chill- Risk: Fun game, but did it make you want to murder your opponents or what? I was amused to read on the Net that it wasn’t just us, that game was notorious for uh, heated disagreement and passions flaring over who gets Prussia!
lawyergay said on April 20, 2010
Baroness: My ex and I got so agitated during a game of Risk out in our summer rental that the neighbors had to call several times to tell us to shut the fuck up.
marshmueller said on April 20, 2010
@Baroness & Lawyer Gay (and I guess Chill, too): We had regular Risk nights at Fat House, one of our forority (self-made fraternity/sorority without all the bullshit–we called ourselves IETAPI) houses. Yes, we were dorks. But we ended up getting the cops called on us multiple times not just for parties, but for one of our friends getting a little too hot headed over someone taking Australia from them.
Try to imagine being a cop in Pullman (a total party college town), getting a noise disturbance call, thinking it’s another raucous party, and no–it’s a bunch of geeks getting all sorts of pissed off over a board game.
A world domination board game! Good times…
Chillbear Latrigue said on April 20, 2010
@’ness, LG (and with the greatest reluctance M2): When I was my first year of college, I had a girlfriend in Florida to whom I’d promised to write every day. When I realized by day three that it was a tremendous pain in the ass, I broke up with her via telephone (as I was out of stationery). My roommate and I decided to celebrate my liberation over a game of Risk, where one of us would consume a shot of whiskey, vodka and eventually grain alcohol every time a territory was conquered. I ended up having the expected gastrointestinal reaction. Everclear and Po Boys everywhere.
I am still up for this version of the game if we ever in the same room together.
BookishLookish said on April 20, 2010
CL: Sahara plus all the dry ice deployed by Motley Crue, with a dash of Sjogren’s syndrome.
Blix said on April 21, 2010
HA! The fights! I wonder if Parker Bros. had any idea what they were unleashing. World domination isn’t pretty.
marshmueller said on April 21, 2010
@Chill: You must have known going into that particular game of Risk that you were in for a morning-after of hurt. Yuck.
If we are ever in the same room together, I will know to say no to any sort of drinking conditions you might impose. I just might die from alcohol poisoning.
Blix said on April 21, 2010
Chill: Using miniature booze bottles for chess men (the King was Crown Royal, get it?) might seem sophisticated to a 19yo but it was an awful mistake. Also, Everclear & the Po Boys is an excellent band name.
Chillbear Latrigue said on April 21, 2010
@M2 and all of the other Wordsmoker ladies: It is never a good idea to be in a room with me. You’ve all been warned. Plus, these days I’m more likely to play over a bottle of chianti. I’ve turned into such a drinking pansy.
@Blix: I wish you had been at McAlister Hall at Tulane in 1985. Although my roommate killed me at chess. Do I win anything for the band name, or does the credit go to you for recognizing it?
Blix said on April 21, 2010
Chill: Post it, the glory is yours.
Bill said on December 14, 2011
Ok, I know this thread is a long way away from being active, but I just had to get in on some of the bashing here. And also, I don’t mean it playfully, I really hate these people.
Icelanders are smug, image-obsessed sociopaths. They are mired in national hogwash that any normal citizen of Europe would cringe at. To say they are Americanized would be an understatement: they are full-blown fascist mother-fuckers. Their primary concern in life is to drink beer, make money, and have sex. And also, they want to rub it in your face that they are “the world’s most attractive people,” and feed you lines like, “oh, we’re so amazing and adventurous! Our ancestors were all Vikings! Look at how manly and tough we are, look at how much we can drink! We are so crazy, yet so loveable! And our women are hot! Not only that, but we all have hot springs in our backyards! And we drive hummers! We are so rich! (even though this is post-crash).
No, I made a very bad decision to come here and try out living in Reykjavik for four months–after two and half it became clear to me that returning to the states was the best thing to do. I was attempting to accustom myself to their free university, at which I was accepted, to study a sort of self-made graduate program consisting of linguistics, Nordic and medieval culture, and just studying the Icelandic language. I thought to myself, “yes, this language is so cool, so rough, so rugged and attractive. It is so…frozen in time. I would love to speak it. It is so sexy.”
Yet I realize now that I had been captivated by my own Lord of the Rings fantasy and not the reality of life here. It is not like Lord of the Rings, and the people are rude, spoiled rotten and brutish. There are no hobbits to be found, because there is an exodus of good-natured, friendly people here. Only the cold-hearted brutes remain.
Icelandic culture is very poisonous and evil. Say what you will about the country folks being different from the city folks…here, everyone is an asshole. In the city, they walk around with a huge chip on their shoulders, bloated from constant drink, prolonging their rotten existence another day through being employed in some swindling enterprise (to say they are dishonest is an understatement). In the countryside, they kill baby seals…in fact, they eat their beating hearts out while the poor things are alive, and feed them to their little children. Iceland is a rotten, miserable place, and “the weak” or perhaps “sensitive souls” do not stand a snowball’s chance in hell at surviving here. These people should all be systematically exterminated; they are devils…no, they are nazi-devils, masquerading as kind people but in reality they are merely exploiting their novelty. The average person thinks, “oh, that’s cool, Icelanders must be really authentic and warm-hearted, because they go to swim outside in freezing temperatures. They must be real swell.” And on visiting the place for the first time, I was overtaken with the beauty of the country, the mystique of the language, etc.
But the problem with Iceland is the people…they are awful. They don’t understand why everyone around the world who would get to know them would hate them, when they are just demonic, money-grubbing creeps who will do anything in the world to rip poor sucker tourists off. And then they’ll all go home and laugh about it, because they’re all oh-so-6 foot 5 and just want to rub it in your face that you haven’t made it to 6 foot yet and can’t take part in their society unless you made that cut! Really terrible people, with terrible manners.
Oh, and lest I forget learning their language…there is a good reason why they claim that it is too hard to learn…because no one will ever speak it with you! NO matter how damn fast you learn it (I am gifted with languages and have experience with the other Nordic languages). Even though I know about 2,000 words, I have studied my ass off for four months, I do not want to study this shitty thing any longer. It is horrendously backwards, they refuse to adjust the grammar and “clean things up so to speak.” If you look at it, nothing makes sense…you have to be born into it, be traumatized by this culture, and THEN you get the privilege of speaking their shitty language. Trust me, these people are creeps, stay far away, and if you must visit, only do so if you wear a crucifix and make sure you carry lots of garlic. And manners, that should keep them away. Good riddance, you forlorn block of ice, full of evil trolls!
Rene Sance said on December 17, 2011
@ Bill:
You’re replying to a post that’s nearly 2 years old with a hate-filled rant that besmirches an entire culture?
Welcome, friend. Have a seat right here. The serving wench will come around any minute. What are you having?
Blix said on December 17, 2011
@ Rene Sance:
I’m guessing that reindeer is right out.
NoDebutante said on December 17, 2011
Bill’s comment is a PSA for why no one should make life-altering decisions after wearing out a Bjork cd.