Wordsmoker

Yes! Many people will remember that moment on April 6th, 2010, when at 9.15am, a dour Scottish bastard with the charisma of salt and the magnetism of lead went to the Queen’s nice big house in London and asked for the dissolution of Parliament so the British news media could have something to bore everyone to death with over the next long and painful month. That’s right – election fever is gassing gripping the UK already and it’s still only today this morning already! WHAT DO YOU MEAN “YOU WERE SLEEPING”?

Being a resident of the United British Kingdom Isles, I realise realize that I’m in the perfect situation to bring all you Wordsmokers the latest up-to-the-minute breaking news infoburst trending analysis of trenchant important up-to-their-necks news-news OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE I’M BORED ALREADY, LET’S FACE IT – THREE INCREDIBLY DULL MEN ARE DOING SOMETHING DULL IN A SMALL ISLAND 3000 MILES AWAY FROM WHERE YOU PROBABLY ARE RIGHT NOW.

That aside, let’s take a closer look at the three dull men, one (or maybe two) (or maybe three)  (no, it’s just two) who could be the next Prime Directive Minister of this Septic Isle.

Gordon Brown (Labour) Gordon battled famous war criminal Tony “Call Me Tony” Blair for the leadership of The Labour Party while apparently still in the womb. Born in Giffnock (a town whose only other claim to fame is that it hosted Rudolf Hess in the Scout Hall back in 1941), Gordon grew up quickly to become one of the most grumpy men in Scotland – a title, you can imagine, not given lightly. Holding a PhD, his dissertation was on “Eternal Shame And Why It’s Good For The Soul”. Originally quite the left-winger, he threw off these shackles of social justice as soon as Labour got into power in 1997, increasing the gulf between rich and poor while fucking up the economy pretty well.

The son of a Presbyterian minister, he brings all the humour and lightness of touch you can expect from a Christian off-shoot still wary of electricity, running water and color television on Sundays. Is blind in one eye and is well-known for making small children weep whenever he tries to smile on camera. Sadly had to hand back his Scottish passport when he genuinely said that Scottish people should support England in the World Cup this year.

David Cameron (Conservative) After approximately ten years of having leaders who made Arch PedoProtector Pope Benedict look warm and welcoming, The Conservative Party went all out to elect as leader someone who didn’t have the taint of corruption or the aura of someone who gasses rabbits for fun hanging over them. Unfortunately they chose David Cameron – an Old Etonian, good friends with most investment bankers, and someone you’d want to punch in the face on general principle.

Since being elected leader of The Tories, he’s managed to tone down his posh accent to appeal to stupid wankers in England who’ll believe anything they’re told as long as immigration is mentioned alongside tax-cuts. Has a tendency to make statements while all the time hoping the UK has collective amnesia about the political state of the country during 1979 – 1997 (when The Tories were last in power). Can’t be trusted to operate a satellite broadcasting company, nor with your vote. If you could vote, anyway. It doesn’t really matter. Honest.

The Other One (Liberal Democrat) The Other One was probably born some time in the last century, and probably went to school where he distinguished himself by being completely forgettable, even to his friends and family. He (or she?) is probably married, and maybe has a kid or two, and that kid definitely has legs as I would have remembered that bit of information. The Other One’s political career probably started locally or something, and then he (or she?) became better at politics and then The Other One maybe beat Another One to become leader of The Liberal Democrats in a bitterly fought contest to become immediately dull.

The Other One stands out from the rest of the field by consistently talking about sensible policies and some common-sense changes in the UK’s political situation which are taken with a pinch of salt because everyone knows The Other One and his (or her?) party will never be in power, and the most they can hope for is a Hung Parliament. A Hung Parliament, although sounding vaguely sexy and possibly interesting, isn’t. It’s where no-one wins a clear mandate to become the ruling party, and may be the only interesting thing happening on May 7th. I don’t really know what will happen if this occurs, because I’ll probably be living in Somalia or some place just to get away from it all.

The Other Contenders

The Scottish Guy (Scottish National Party) Will spend the entire election moaning about not being given equal time on television debates that no-one in their right mind would watch anyway. Unfortunately this just gives political journalists something else to write about and when I hear about this for the fifteenth time in a single day that’ll be the moment when I try to shoot myself in the face with a cat or something.

The Welsh Guy (Plaid Cymru – literally “Cum Socks”) See The Scottish Guy, only with a different accent.

UKIP (UK Independence Party) Basically, the UK version of The Tea Party. Hates anything that isn’t covered in over-cooked roast beef. Don’t – for fuck’s sake – mention The European Union, because that’ll just start them off on the kind of rants you hear drunken English football supporters spout when they’re locked up in a South African jail this summer during the World Cup.

The Possible Outcome

It’s too early to tell, as The Tories only have a 4 – 10 point lead over Labour in the polls. The best thing to hope for is some sort of attack by an enormous sea creature on the Houses Of Parliament while they’re all in there talking about fuck-all. The only thing that’s certain is that The Other One – although talking common sense at considerable length – won’t be Prime Minister. There might be a Hung Parliament. No-one knows. No-one really cares. Which is all you can really expect from old democracies these days.