Wordsmoker

In case you’ve been sleeping under a rock, Erykah Badu recently filmed a “pop video” along the same streets in Dallas where Kennedy was shot in ’63. In this “pop video”, she walks around taking off her clothes one by one, then finally crumples into a heap on the street with blue shit leaking out of her head. Our campaigning lawyer and ass-expert (asspert?) Unfun Garrison takes issue with what is now known as the “Zabadu” footage, as you will see below…

Ladies an’ Gennelmen – let me present to you the evadense. Rather than admit to ah conspiracay, or investigate further, the Wordsmoker Commission chose to endorse the theory put forth by an ambitious junuah counselor bah the name of Ewan Mahgregar – one of the grossest lies evah forced on the American people. We’ve come to know it as the “Magic Ass Theory”.

Watch the video here. Sorry. It won’t embed.

The “Magic Ass” enters the frame headed downward at an angle of sevanteen degrees. It then moves upwards in order to leave her hips at the top of her thighs, where it waits one point six secohnds, presumably in mid-air, wheh it turns right, then left, right, then left, and continues along the street. The ass then heads downward at an angle of twenty-seven degrees, wheh we see her fifth rib and the right side of her chest. The ass then turns right, and re-entahs the frame, shattering our preconceptions, the ass then leaves the frame, makes a drahmatic u-turn, and then buries itself into her thigh and then later falls out and is then later found in a pristine condition on a stretch of road in Dallas.

That’s some ass.

Anyone who’s been in hip-hop will tell you nevah in the history of music has there been an ass this ridiculous.

The first cheek rings out. Sounding like ah backfire, it misses the point completely.

Frame one-sixty-one. Erykah stops undressing as she hears something. An onlookah’s head turns slightly to the right.

Frame one-ninety-three. The second cheek hits a bystandah in the throat from the front.

Frame two-twenty-five – the ass emerging from behind a road sign? You can see the singer’s obviously had a hit, raising her ahrms to her throat.

The third cheek – frame two-thirty-two – is shown from the back, pulling Badu downward and forward. Bystandahs show, you will notice, no signs at all of being hit. One is shown visibly holding a baseball cap, which is impossible if your wrist has been shattered. A bystandah is turning now.

Frame two-thirty-eight. The fourth shot. It misses the mark, and you see her back – this is the shot that proves there were two cheeks. A bystandah calls out “My God, her cheeks are going to kill us all!” About this time a cheek misses the mark completely, and hits James Bay in the underpass. The camera brakes.

Frame three-thirteen takes the ass from the front – this is the key shot – the ass going back, and to its left, shot from the front and the right, totally inconsistent from a shot from the depository – again, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left.

Back, and to the left.

Ah rest mah case.