The Smokies – Lurking Can Be Creepy Edition
February 28, 2010 in The Smokie Awards
It may have been a Monday or a Tuesday when I walked into briefing, looked out over the collection of clean, shiny faces and began shouting profanities at them about every small thing that came to mind. A call we were on together, a wrinkle in their uniform, their report writing, etc. When I could think of nothing else, I noticed several open mouths and more than a few tearful eyes. I realized that I had never raised my voice to them before.
“I’ve got to go,” is all that I could think to say.
I ran in to my office and refreshed the window that I had open on my computer screen. I slammed the desk with the flat of my hand. One of the more senior officers came in and said, “Hey, Sarge, are you okey?”
“No. Go away.” I wasn’t as angry as before, but I still wasn’t in any mood to talk.
“You just don’t seem yourself today. Yelling is not like you…”
“You wouldn’t understand,” was my cliche reply.
“Try me.” He said this with the compassion that doesn’t come easily to those in my trade. I didn’t want help, but I felt bad that he was offering and I was giving him nothing. Maybe it would feel better to talk about it.
“I posted something on Wordsmoker TWO HOURS AGO and no one has commented. I mean, what the fuck? Why don’t they like what I had to say?”
“Maybe they’re just busy or can’t think of anything to write. Now, can I hold your gun, Sarge?”
“To lurk is human, to comment is divine.”
BookishLookish/Sting, And Ten Other Evil Musicians:
“Celine Dion is a war criminal and is on another list entirely.”
(True story: I was about 20 yards away from her at Caesar’s in Vegas in ’03. I had the chance right then to take her out, but I left my poison darts up in the room. So there I am with a blowgun looking like an idiot. I had to play it off like I brought my own novelty, oversized straw.)
StrawberryShortcake/Caption This – Tuesday Puppet Family Special:
“Just like Jesus, Pinocchio had siblings no one ever bothers to take into consideration.”
(I understand that Tito Jackson had that problem as well.)
“Doctor Ronald Hubbard socialises gaily with the happy recipients of his new “Science-ology” cure, with his bespangled actress wife Vera leading in merry sing-song, “California, Here I Come!”. – Daily Tele-Graph, 1898″
(I’m a sucker for references to international papers with names that bring me back to the Age of Imperialism.)
“The largest economy in Europe. A virtually unparalleled cultural legacy. The birthplace of Beethoven, Bach, Brahms, Benjamin, Hegel, Kant and Nietzsche to name but a few. And they eat this shit up. David Hasselhoff singing along with a pair of third-string studio back-up singers, a Casio keyboard and some crappy blue-screen special effects (my favorite, I think, being him in a fur snow suit, snowboarding through/down the snowy/air/snow mountain or something). Jesus. I just don’t know what to make of it. Fucking Krauts. [shaking head in bemusement] Who gets that shit?”
(There’s a reason that they keep blowing it every time they start a World War.)
“I wish I had a fetus
That I could abort.
I abort the fetus
I abort it for sport.
I get knocked up,
And throw it right out.
I won’t raise it up,
Don’t have no doubt.
But when I grow tired
Of aborting the kids,
One will be born,
Not wishing it did.
And Bob Marshall,
Will be proven correct.
That god hates them all,
After siblings vivisec’d.
But Bob Marshall’s immune,
from his own theorem.
As he is a boon,
Of his mother’s rectum.”
(And this should about complete Wordsmoker’s excommunication from the Roman Catholic Church. Any of Sarcastro’s comments on this thread were also worthy of Smokies. He has been on fire as of late.)
“I actually think Obama bears part of the blame here, for his decision to quietly continue the previous administration’s policy of supplying fresh young Arab hearts to Cheney on a no-bid basis.”
(You make a good point, BC. Competitive, free-market healthcare would have killed Cheney years ago.)
LatterdayLenin/Erotic Online Review – Try To Ignore The Denim:
“Being an homosexual, I can’t say I am the intended audience of this adult feature. I will offer my opinion anyway. First off, there was far too much non-sex time at the beginning of the movie. Four minutes and not even a nipple, or a flaccid penis? It’s called editing, people! If I needed foreplay for porn, I would just do what I normally do and check out what’s going on here at Wordsmoker.”
(The actual comment is much longer. I just included this jewel of a line to set up the award.)
HelmanGiraffe/Erotic Online Review – Try To Ignore The Denim:
Ok, having now reviewed this “film” I have the following observations:
(1) Her eyebrows were WAY TOO plucked.
(2) What happened to her pubic hair? She has the body of a 13 year old.
(3) There was no attention paid to getting her off whatsoever. FAIL.
(4) If you put cloven hooves on that man, gave him a little pipe to play, and maybe put an olive branch on his head, he’d be a dead-ringer for Pan.
(As one would expect, Giraffe’s are pro hair.)
“I used to love hanging out with my friends when we were all swinging singles, but these days most of them are married and some even have children. I never see them anymore, they’ve fallen into the Babyss”
(Nominated by WhyAmIHere. I hope that “Babyss” joins the lexicon.)
“I’m sensing some heteronormative/gender performance anxiety in this list of yours, CL. Please direct your coming out message to my private mailbox.”
(I must be true to my nature, which is to publicly announce EVERYTHING!)
“We were going on a driving trip so I bought as a surprise a Def Leppard CD. We put it in and a bunch of the songs he didn’t recall, but he kept pushing through the songs and found something he liked and sang along. He did that “devil horn” thing with his hand and whooped and banged his head a little. I turned that shit off fast and said: “I would have never fucked you in high school.” He said, “I know that.” And turned the music back on. He didn’t get laid that night either.”
(This is the meat of the larger story. This was also a fair representation of me in high school. I didn’t get laid either.)
(Also nominated by Why. Typical of Bookish not to give the dad(s) credit. Well, who knows if they deserve any.)
“One of my sister’s has such shockingly bad taste in music it is unbelievable. I think the BEST album she ever bought was the theme music to Twin Peaks. Anyway, me and one of my other sister’s got drunk one day and hung all her albums on the clothes line in the sun and a couple of them we melted in the oven and made pot plant holders out of. Boy she was pissed off with us. God, it was bad music though.”
(This almost seemed like the musical version of a book burning, but the creative means of destruction, coupled with the Twin Peaks reference, makes it a lot more forgivable. I could probably support a Twilight book burning.
BeRightBack/Dr. King’s Dream:
“When I was around that age, I was obsessed with then-Vice-Presidential-nominee Geraldine Ferraro. I even named a gerbil after her, and wrote a letter consoling her after her defeat and congratulating her for “looking happy” during her subsequent Diet Pepsi commercial (my mother still has this letter, which was written for a school assignment). Eventually, inevitably, Geraldine was killed and eaten by a large cat named Diablo. The moral? Both the gerbil and the cat were black.”
(BC nominated this, but I can assure you that it wasn’t necessary. Fucking hysterical.”
LawyerGay/Dr. King’s Dream:
“I really wanted your gerbil’s name to have been ‘Gerbildine Ferraro.’”
(I actually renamed my cat “Gerbildine Ferraro” after reading this because I don’t actually want a gerbil, but I liked the name. It may not make sense, but I believe the cat would eat gerbils if I allowed him to.)
SarahHeartburn/Public Service Announcement: Dating Dangers:
“First, if some feral thang smashed into my house, the last fucking thing I’d do is pick up the phone. I’d be too busy grabbing blunt instruments, knives, bug spray and a lighter, and screaming loud enough to blow out my own eardrums. With my luck anyway, the call would be from some low-rent cell phone telemarketing drone from Bangalore who wouuldn’t hang up no matter what. Brad Virile-Cheekbones wouldn’t have a chance of getting through. I gave up on calling the cops years ago in NY when my building in Sunnyside was taken over by crackheads. One morning one stabbed another at 6 am in the hall, and Mr. Stab-ee kept pounding on my door begging to be let in. NYPD never showed, Stab-ee disappeared, I went to work leaving a large smear of blood on the door, and came home to find that the Cuban super had cleaned it all up. Not a word from the neighbors. Girls like us don’t need Broadview. We’ll fucking beat you to death with the microwave.”
(This is the kind of rugged individualism for which Wordsmokers are famous. Reading the comments on this post made me feel like I was playing a video game that involved shooting zombies. Fun.)
First of all, for your comments on Erotic Online Review – Try To Ignore The Denim, HelmanGiraffe, ViruswithShoes, Blix, MamaPenguino, Latterday Lenin, Uncivilly Obedient, LipstickLibrarian, MilitantRubberDucky, TheRiverCharley, NoraDarling and StrawberryShortcake you all get Pokies for your participation in this thread. The comedic density was much to thick for me to be able to cut out only a few comments from the rest.
OctaviusVane receives a new hybrid creature called a “Poking Lung.” This is given when pornographic genius is submitted in the form of an entire article and not just a comment. Here is an excerpt from this groundbreaking piece:
“We meet our protagonists in a clothing store. It’s not really clear if he’s actually in the women’s section or just confused by capitalism. He has an interesting sort of Batman utility belt – I note either a knife or a cell phone, and a suspicious amount of keys, marking him as either a prison warden or undercover store security.”
(You truly deserve your new made-up award. Your review created so much goodness.)
StrawberryShortcake/Public Service Announcement: Dating Dangers:
“I was going to install a bay window in my bathroom with the claw foot tub so I could watch the stars as I massage bath oils into my skin. Brinks has helped my see how that may give out mixed signals.”
(I wanted to believe that this comment was intended to solicit a Pokie, but then I realized that I’m actually happier when I imagine that things like this actually occur in the Shortcake household.)
BookishLookish/Public Service Announcement: Dating Dangers:
“’You know, I just got out of a bad relationship…’ is actually secret code for ‘It’s been weeks and I really need to get fucked six ways, try harder, you testosterone-free wimp!’ Or am I just totally out of step with the Real America?”
(“The Real America” doesn’t get Pokies. Who gives a fuck about them?)
When I read over this weeks articles, I thought that we were going to have to skip The Flamethrower, because I didn’t imagine that a story about a third-grader’s school project would spark any sort of controversy.I was forgetting what a powder keg Wordsmoker can be:
KissTheBoys/Dr. King’s Dream:
“Before the big day, I asked her why she selected Condoleezza Rice. She responded, “Mom, she’s done a lot of things, and people think she’s important and she seems really nice.” At that moment, I saw that maybe my daughter’s generation would be it. The generation that judged a person on the content of their character and not the color of their skin.”
(Let’s hope so, KTB.)
The Iron Lung!:
Typically MamaPenguino, ReneSance and I will agree on the selection for this award. This week was no exception. However, it is rare that I also get several private compliments and/or nominations for any piece. It did occur this week though:
“One day, Akhashverosh got plastered during one of his parties and demanded that Vashti be paraded in front of everyone but she refused. (There are a couple of legends here–that he wanted her to come out naked, that she had a tail, etc.) As a result, she got banished and Akhashverosh began the search for a new queen vis a vis a beauty contest between all the hotties of the kingdom.”
(This was so rich in culture and sexy stories that it was a shoe in for the win. Great job, Dahl.)
I believe MamaP is up for the Smokies this week. Keep the nominations rolling in.