Wordsmoker

(Because Wordsmoker Octavius Vane is a man with access to the internet, he watches pornography. To alleviate some of the stigma associated with viewing porn, and to also make it somehow healthier than it actually is in his own mind, he’s decided to write reviews of some things he sees with his dirty internet box. If you like this, he promises to do more. Article is Not Safe For Work, for obvious reasons. Ed.)

The video begins with something that looks in Russian, and is probably telling me to buy a soft drink called “Colt48″.

We meet our protagonists in a clothing store. It’s not really clear if he’s actually in the women’s section or just confused by capitalism. He has an interesting sort of Batman utility belt – I note either a knife or a cell phone, and a suspicious amount of keys, marking him as either a prison warden or undercover store security.

Either way, he convinces the girl to have sex with him by wearing what appears to be a suit made entirely from 90′s denim.

Not that I’m being too disparaging here. The girl is incredibly cute, with breasts of an angel. Seriously. Those boobs are exquisite. I also like her hair and the attention she pays to her eyebrows.

(I won’t mention the whole “try and rip her panties off” segment. All I’ll say is that it needed to be rehearsed, or at least planned in advance.)

It’s hard not to lose some excitement as he rubs his denim-clad body against her. Some returns when she starts looking him in the eye while sucking his cock. She’s probably concentrating on not staring at all the denim.

It’s hard not to enjoy her sucking a cock. She’s got a delicious, almost cartoonish mouth and very expressive eyes. Soon Denim-Boy is giving her pussy some cursory rub-action, and next thing you know he’s inside her, like a thing going into another thing quickly. He fucks her from behind, and goes at a fair pace for a guy wearing a denim jacket. She looks fantastic getting it from behind, and her boobs will mesmerize you.

It’s probably now that you notice his strange facial hair. Do your best to block it out and concentrate on her sweet behind vibrating under the denim-assault. Of course, he doesn’t pay nearly enough attention to her boobs, which is sadly too realistic – although he does give the left one a decent squeeze.

All this aside – the audio is probably really out of sync with the video by now – the main reason I watch these with the sound automatically turned down.

Anyway, she gets down on her knees and he finishes off by shooting into her agreeable mouth. He takes his time getting there, and I’m a gentleman enough to be pleased that none got in her eyes. In probably the most erotic part of the whole video, she delicately licks his cock with cum oozing out of her mouth while looking slightly entranced with the proceedings. If there was to be a clip for The Oscars, that’s the bit they’d show.

She leaves the changing room with her paramour still clad in all that denim.

I’ll never watch a Bryan Adams video the same way ever again.

Let’s Assess! – If she was the shop assistant, she’s management material, despite her disregard for any reasonable returns policy. There were a whole lot of weird chains and stuff on people’s belts. She was fresh-faced and adorable, with a wonderful, lithe body and good eye make-up. He had a bit of the hillbilly in him, judging by the denim-fetish and strange facial hair. 7/10

Summary – Try To Ignore The Denim

View the video (NSFW), and comments here