Wordsmoker

There is a new service that will care for your pet on Judgment Day.  At least 20 million Americans believe that the Rapture will occur within their lifetime.  When the Righteous are whisked to heaven, their cats and dogs will remain behind.  That’s where Bart Centre and a service named Eternal Earth-Bound Pets steps in.  For $110, Mr. Centre will ensure that a pre-screened atheist animal lover will take care of your pet.  The service is offered in 22 states, and has recently added llamas to the list of eligible pets.

I extend an offer of my own services to our Wordsmoker family.  Please be assured that I will be here to care for your beloved pets after the Rapture.  I will not be among the Saved.  My criminal history of home invasions, discharging a weapon at a parade float during the Sheboygan Bratwurst Days Festival, operating an ice cream truck at an unsafe speed while running an unlicensed day care service in the back of said ice cream truck, staging monkey knife fights, and taking indecent liberties with a mailman all preclude my passage to Heaven.

I will take excellent care of your pets.  I drink, yes.  But the drinking helps me see Jesus.  Especially when it’s Hennessy mixed with sport tea and oven cleaner, which I like to call “Jesus Juice” and which gives me visions and extraordinary fighting strength, especially against parking checkers and inanimate objects.   I will defend your pets against Satan, midgets, bees, the IRS, etc.

I will probably rename your pets. I think “Sparklepants Jizzboots” would be a pretty good name for your cat.

Send me $50 and your house keys.

Image of Sparklepants Jizzboots via freerangetalk.com