Wordsmoker

(Just in time for Valentine’s Day, celebrated Wordsmoker poet and whitest guy we know Sarcastro takes time out from his busy schedule of breeding alpacas and fomenting sedition to grace us with his analysis of popular culture.  He demonstrates taste and cultural sensitivity as he explores the heart-rending pathos and yearning lyricism of “99 Problems” by hip-hop artist and Beyoncé spouse Jay-Z.   — RS)

99 Problems

If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son
(I sympathize with your difficulties with the opposite sex, young man)
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one
(I, too, have vexations in my life, but they are not female-related)

[Verse One]
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
(Rappers are patrolling something with guns)
Fools that wanna make sure my casket’s closed
(I am being threatened with death)
Rap critics that say he’s “Money Cash Hos”
(Those who write about my music say that I pursue nothing but financial gain and ladies)
I’m from the hood, stupid, what type of facts are those
(Considering my impoverished background and heterosexuality, what else might one expect?)
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
(My shoes were not structurally sound)
You’d celebrate the minute you was having dough
(I mean, come on, if you were poor and then became wealthy, you would behave in a similar fashion)
I’m like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole
(Those who suggest otherwise may smooch my anus)
If you don’t like my lyrics you can press fast forward
(If you do not like what I have to say, you needn’t listen)
Got beef with radio if I don’t play they show
(Radio stations get angry if I do not perform at their command)
They don’t play my hits well I don’t give a shit SO
(It’s not as if these radio stations give me any support, so why should I be concerned?)
Rap mags try and use my black ass
(Industry publications are opportunistic)
So advertisers can give em more cash for ads…fuckers
(Their only concern for me is related to the advertising income my presence in their publication can generate as said presence attracts many readers because I am famous)
I don’t know what you take me as
(You misunderstand me)
or understand the intelligence that Jay-Z has
(You also believe I am stupid, which I am not)
I’m from rags to riches nigga I ain’t dumb
(I was poor, but that has changed. I have always been intelligent)
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one
(My difficulties do not include contentious relationships with women)
Hit me
(Hit me)

[Verse Two]
The year is ’94 and in my trunk is raw
(In 1994 I had unprocessed cocaine in my vehicle’s boot)
In my rear view mirror is the motherfucking law
(The police are behind my vehicle in another vehicle)
I got two choices y’all pull over the car or
(I have a decision to make between a couple of options)
bounce on the double put the pedal to the floor
(I could drive away quickly)
Now I ain’t trying to see no highway chase with jake
(But I am not interested in a high speed chase with the police on a limited access road)
Plus I got a few dollars I can fight the case
(And, frankly, because I am wealthy I can contest whatever charges are lodged against me)
So I…pull over to the side of the road
(Therefore, I cede to the police’s demand that I cease operating my motor vehicle, which was the second option that I referred to earlier)
And I heard “Son do you know why I’m stopping you for?”
(The officer asked me if I knew why he halted my progress)
Cause I’m young and I’m black and my hat’s real low
(I posit that he stopped me because I am of African descent and wear my ballcap with the brim near my eyes, which is the fashion)
Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don’t know
(Do I look like a mind reader, sir? I don’t know)
Am I under arrest or should I guess some mo?
(Are you to lodge a formal complaint against me, officer, or should we continue this inane line of questioning?)
“Well you was doing fifty five in a fifty four”
(You were traveling one mile an hour over the speed limit)
“License and registration and step out of the car”
(Hand over your documentation, please)
“Are you carrying a weapon on you I know a lot of you are”
(Have you a gun? It is not uncommon for people of African descent to carry guns)
I ain’t stepping out of shit all my papers legit
(I will remain in the vehicle as my documentation is in order)
“Do you mind if I look round the car a little bit?”
(Might I search your motorized conveyance?)
Well my glove compartment is locked so is the trunk and the back
(My vehicle is private property and is secured including the glove box and boot)
And I know my rights so you gon’ need a warrant for that
(Furthermore, without cause, you cannot compel me to allow you to search my vehicle)
“Aren’t you sharp as a tack are some type of lawyer or something?”
(Oooh, Mr. Smartypants, are you an attorney at law?)
“Or somebody important or something?”
(Hmm. Am I dealing with a person of some prestige?)
Nah I ain’t pass the bar but I know a little bit
(I am not a practicing attorney, but I am familiar with basic constitutional rights)
Enough that you won’t illegally search my shit
(That familiarity is significant enough that I will not permit you to violate my fourth amendment rights)
“Well see how smart you are when the K-9s come”
(I will now call for the drug-sniffing dogs. They will discover drugs. You will not appear to be such a genius at that point)
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one
(This is a problem, one of 99 that I have. Women problems are not to be numbered among these vexing issues)
Hit me
(Hit me)

[Verse Three]
Now once upon a time not too long ago
(Previously)
A nigga like myself had to strong arm a ho’
(A young man, similar to myself, had to engage in violence with another person)
This is not a hoe in the sense of having a pussy
(Though I used the term “ho’” above, I do not mean it in the sense that this person was a female prostitute equipped with a vagina)
But a pussy having no God Damn sense, try and push me
(In fact, I was speaking of a cowardly man who was really getting on my nerves)
I tried to ignore him and talk to the Lord
(I would have preferred not to engage him, in the name of Jesus)
Pray for him, cause some fools just love to perform
(I endeavored to send good thoughts to the Almighty, but he wouldn’t stop being such a jerk)
You know the type loud as a motor bike
(He was speaking at high volume. I’m sure you are familiar with this sort of thing)
But wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight
(I doubt his strength)
The only thing that’s gonna happen is i’mma get to clapping
(I will make percussive noises with my hands rather than engage in violence)
He and his boys gon’ be yapping to the captain
(For if I do engage in violence, he and his comrades may report me to a law enforcement agency)
And there I go trapped in the kit kat again
(Next thing you know, I’d be in jail)
Back through the system with the riff raff again
(The penal system is filled with undesirable individuals)
Fiends on the floor scratching again
(Drug users suffering withdrawal symptoms behave oddly)
Paparazzi’s with they cameras snapping them
(Those who make a living photographing celebrities will take pictures)
D.A. tred to give the nigga the shaft again
(The district attorney would try to treat me unfairly as I am of African descent)
Half-a-mil for bail cause I’m African
(See what I mean? $500,000 bail? A Caucasian would not face this kind of financial conundrum)
All because this fool was harassin’ them
(The cause of such difficulties was the harassment of the gent above, the one I compared to a lady prostitute)
Trying to play the boy like he’s saccharine
(Some might try to take advantage of a nice person)
But ain’t nothing sweet ’bout how I hold my gun
(But I am not nice. Look how menacingly I brandish my weapon)
I got 99 problems but being a bitch ain’t one
(Again, I get along well with women)
Hit me
(Hit me)