Wordsmoker

Here are the straight facts, friends. If you aren’t in a relationship by now, you won’t be in one by Sunday. I know you don’t celebrate Valentines Day because you think it’s a Hallmark holiday created by the Rand Corporation or you think it’s irreverent to commemorate the Saint Valentines Day Massacre. Whatever your reason is for not partaking in the festivities is irrelevant. Everyone else out there does and they’re smug bastards about it. 

Most of you probably stopped reading before the end of the last paragraph and grabbed that quarter full bottle of rye that you keep hidden in the toilet tank. However, if you didn’t or you decided to read the rest of this while you sauce your emptiness, I am offering you hope and help.

Hope:

The timing of this year’s Valentine’s is ideal for singles in that the actual holiday is strategically situated on a Sunday. This means that while there will be plenty of couples out there, celebrating a night early so they can sleep in after their sweat soaked debauchery, there will also be plenty of singles going out and acting as if they’re unaware of the impending holiday.

But they are aware. Painfully aware.

These lonely-hearts are thinking the same thing that you are: “this is our last chance.”  Saturday is the night for all singles to unite (or pair) and make a final stand. Saturday is your Alamo; your Thermopylae. It is a rich environment for romance and you, if properly trained, can go down in the annals of history. Just like the Mexicans and Persians did on the eve of their romantic holidays.

Help:

Normally, I would only give my wise counsel to men, because I am one of those who believe the fairer sex has absolutely every advantage in this arena, but I’m trying to evolve. Actually, I am attempting to physically evolve so that I’ll be able to turn invisible or fly. You know, standard X-Men powers. But I think emotional maturity is important too, so I devised some advice for both sexes.

Men: God damn you. Quit being such shrinking violets. Nobody likes a weakling. I want you to keep my mantra in mind: “fortune favors the bold.” Do you know who said that first? I have no idea, but Greyson Stone says it a lot. Think of this before you walk through a door. When you walk into a room, you need to own that room. Entering a room should be like storming a beach or a castle, or something else really big and storm-able. If you don’t know how to do this, try thinking of a song in your head that makes you feel like a total badass. Play it in your mind when you walk in. It will change your body language and demeanor. My entry song is “Reach for the Sky” by Social Distortion, but you need to find one that you’re comfortable with. Don’t skip along or snap your fingers. It’s purely for mood setting. If a song is playing at the bar that interferes with your song, wait outside until it changes.

Women: Don’t make a big entrance. That’s exactly the wrong move for you. You should be demure. Find a seat on the bar stool, order yourself a glass of wine or a Cosmo (sorry, but it has to be a girl drink. You don’t have time for individual drinking preferences) and make eye contact with the man you want to draw to you. I swear that’s all it really takes. Use caution so that you don’t spread yourself too thin. Don’t flirt with everyone. Make your mark and wait for him to approach. If he doesn’t pull a move within five minutes, move on from this milquetoast. If you have three fails in a row, change venues. That room is skunked.

Men: Your grooming must be beyond reproach. This goes way beyond showering. It means shampooing and conditioning your hair, shaving, brushing/flossing, using mouthwash, trimming and cleaning nails, not possessing hair in unusual orifices like the nostrils or ears, reigning in your unruly eyebrows, not hosting fungi of any kind on your body, wearing deodorant, using a tasteful amount of cologne, moisturizing dry skin, drying moist skin and styling you hair in some fashion. Whatever. You can’t over groom. You have to be prepared for any kind of weird, naked activity that may arise. This is particularly important advice for straight guys. The geighs are kicking the shit out of us in this department. So, I’m sorry, gay guys. This is kind of a rip-off for you. I guess I owe you some different tips.

Women: Be attractive. Now, while I do realize how offensive my advice for your gender may sound, I am trying to give you suggestions on how to meet guys for Valentine’s Day. So make yourself as attractive as possible. I’m saying it this way because some of you may not feel that you are pretty. Both your feelings on this matter and whether or not you are pretty are completely irrelevant unless you have impossibly high standards for male counterparts. You will find someone that’s adequate if you put your best foot forward. Valentine’s Day Eve is not the day for you to chop off 18 inches of hair because you’re bored and feel like it’s “time for a change.” Sometimes your day-to-day hairstyle is your best bet.  Clothes should be sexy, but not overtly slutty. Have them accentuate your best features. Wear makeup. I’ve never met a natural beauty who looks worse when she puts on a little eyeliner.

Men: I don’t care if you have been the biggest Saints fan for the last four decades and now that they’ve finally won a Super Bowl, you want the world to know. None of your sports attire gets to make it to the party tonight. This still applies even if you are going to a sports bar, but you really shouldn’t be going to a sports bar. You have to dress for the venue. If you’re heading out to a place that is frequented by a bunch of businessmen, wear a suit and tie, not jeans and a blazer. Don’t have a suit and tie? Pick a different venue (but not a sports bar). Furthermore, I don’t want you to dress comfortably. Your comfort level is meaningless here. Don’t buy clothes that make you physically uncomfortable if you don’t like it. You should be the best-dressed person, wherever you go, without exceeding the dress classification for your venue. What do I mean by that? If you’re going to a TGI Friday’s (don’t go to a TGIF’s) you shouldn’t wear jeans and a tee-shirt, despite the fact that it’s perfectly acceptable for people to do so. You’re not people. You’re on the hunt. You should dress at the upper end of the range of acceptability. Slacks, a nice shirt and dress shoes could work, but a tuxedo with tails wouldn’t. Tuxes are out of classification. I also think it’s a good rule that no words should appear on your clothes.

Women: Dress to accentuate your assets. If you have curves, don’t wear a dress that is cut to reduce them. I know a lot of thin women don’t have curves, but do have great legs. Those of you who fit this category can wear short dresses or skirts. Have fun with this. You may not wear anything that makes you feel “comfy.” That kind of clothing only comes when you have the man so soundly committed to your relationship that he can never leave (i.e. Hotel California relationships.)

Men: Nobody gives a shit about your diet or exercise regimen.  If you are in great physical shape, then that may help your overall attractiveness, but no one wants to hear about how you got that way.  The last person to describe a workout and make it interesting was Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Actually the grooming scene is pretty good too, so click that link and learn. However, you are prohibited from discussing your workouts or wearing clothes that show off your “guns.” Also quit calling your muscles “guns.” It’s starting to get embarrassing and those gun show jokes are no longer funny.

Women: Use workout discussions sparingly. Talk of Pilates, Yoga or the various Dance Aerobics studies is attractive. Discussions of weightlifting, “working your core” or Tae-Bo are not. I don’t have a good explanation as to why this is the case, but it is.

Men: Have something to talk about. Women all know the trick about allowing you to talk about yourself, so they are expecting you to have some conversation to fill the air. I hate to break it to you, but you’re not interesting. Don’t feel bad. I’m not either. By now, you should know that talk of sports and workouts is completely out. However, you can go too far in the opposite direction. You may not converse about celebrity gossip, romantic comedies or television that is traditionally thought of as “chick” fare (e.g. Sex in the City, Gossip Girls, Grey’s Anatomy, etc.).  If any discussion of this sort comes up, you should politely dismiss it by saying “I think I’ve seen it once, but I don’t remember.” You may talk about art, literature, foreign or independent films and music. I’m giving you a lot of leeway here, so don’t fuck it up. By the way, I’ve pre-selected your political positions. You are pro-choice, very environmentally aware, a registered independent with Democratic leanings, and you want nothing more than to bring the troops home, but don’t even try to talk politics. It’s a bloody minefield.

Women: Just let the idiot talk. You all know this. However, you also know what pisses you off; so don’t let him talk about those things. If he starts going off track, by talking about repealing Women’s Suffrage, gently guide him back to something that you’re okey with. You’re not looking for a soul mate here. He’s just a Valentine’s Day date.

Men: Compliment her lips or the shape of her face. No one ever does that. Compliments about eyes and hair are played out.

Women: Tell him that he’s funny or has a really cool job. Also an admiring glance at the crotch is always charming.

Men: If you get caught staring, just keep doing it.

Women: Don’t congregate with other women.

Men: Don’t worry about what your friends think about the woman you deign to give your attention. They aren’t the ones who are going to sleep with her (hopefully.)

Women: Disregard every piece of advice that your girlfriends give you. Treat it as noise. Most of them are trying to dance around your feelings or indoctrinate you with specious dogma. In either case, it’s not useful.

Some of you will look at these tips and say something like, “Well, Chill, I’m a woman and I enjoy a poorly groomed man,” or “I’m a man and I like loud, aggressive women.” Well, my answer to you two freaks is that you are not normal and this is a game of percentages. Sure you could go the night before Valentines Day, do what I say and fail to attract the one person in 1,500 who has some weird fetish that is counter to my instruction. If this happens, then you can move on to the next one. If dating is a war of attrition, VD Eve is nuclear Armageddon.

You’re ready. Really ready.  Hit the streets and give no quarter.

If you need on the spot advice, leave it in the comments. I will be monitoring and providing up to the minute tips.