Wordsmoker

Meanwhile, back at the Wordsmoker laboratory…

VWS: “What’s going on?”

CL: “Why, Virus, you startled me. I hadn’t expected to see you so soon after the FNFF. There’s some fresh coffee over on the table.”

VWS: “Thanks, I think I’ll have a cup. How are the Smokies coming along?”

CL: “The Smokies are fine, but I need to show you something. Maybe you should sit down.”

VWS: “I’m fine standing. What do you have, Latrigue? And don’t mince words, damn it.”

CL: “Well, as you know, Wordsmoker was launched in early December of 2008… Oh, here. I have some sugar in the pocket of my lab coat. Anyway, as you know, Wordsmoker was launched in early December of ’08 and we just crossed the 30k comment threshold this week. That’s about 13 months.”

VWS: “Why do you have loose sugar in your pocket? Never mind. Go on.”

CL: “Well, this week there were 955 comments before my cut off. That comes to 136.4 comments per day. Even taking into consideration certain recent executions, if the site doesn’t grow at all, we would be at 50,000 comments in less than five months.”

VWS: “My God. Go on.”

CL: “Virus, the site is growing. We could be at 50k comments by late April.”

VWS: “Maybe I will sit down. Can the Glorious Server handle this?”

CL: “I really don’t know. I just know how to do simple mathematics and deliver the results in a dramatic fashion.”

VWS: “Why did I ever let you talk me into building this lab? You’re fired.”

CL: “I know.”

Let’s have a big round of applause to the Wordsmoker Players for this little vignette. Now without further delay, your awards:

Smokies:

BookishLookish/The Smokies – Year End Retrospective:

“@Sphinx: My people built the Sphinx as slaves. You can do better for me than “clown vagina,” can’t you?”

(Never, ever cross Bookish. I believe that this may have been the beginning of the end for the Sphinxter.)

Fifi/The Tens, A Look Back:

“Also, you don’t splat when you “land” without a working parachute, you bounce. The bounce is what kills you, because first you hit the ground and break every bone in your body, then you bounce up, and when you land the second time, the broken bones impale all of your vital organs. Or so I’ve heard…”

(Assuming that this is true…bad ass! This is the way that I want to go.)

SarahHeartburn/Showing My Ass:

“This all smacks of a cult indoctrination. The fashion “Don’t”, the unilateral comfort and support from those around, the feeling of being loved and belonging….run away.”

(A fashion cult? It sounds so Zoolander-ish. “But why models?”)

BookishLookish/Showing My Ass:

“Not culottes. Gauchos. They used to be a foxy pant to wear with high boots, also a delicious Girl Scout cookie, and it was also a Steely Dan album, which took like 40 musicians and singers to make. The 1970s, I am from then.”

(What’s hipper than being able to make a pop culture comment whenever it’s appropriate? Being able to cross-reference it with every similar sounding pop culture reference in history. Nice work, Bookipedia.)

MamaPenguino/A Great Ending To An Even Better Year:

“When my cousin (a woman) was in a similar-type car accident and they were cutting off her clothes in the ER, I heard her say, “But this is a winter staple!” about her Lands’ End fleece sweatshirt.”

(I kind of wish I knew more about clothes, but the remark was funny.)

Unfun/The Weather With You:

“I walk my goddamn fucking dogs daily and nightly with the wind off the East River whipping me about the face. So you just mummify that shit, I’m talkin wool scarf all up in your face wrapped around your cranium, with just your eyes peeping out.”

(This rant actually went on for a paragraph and continued into another comment. When Unfun busts out the pugs, you know you’re in for a good time. This was nominated by LipstickLibrarian.)

BJonston/The Weather With You:

“DO. NOT. MOVE. TO. FLORIDA. For the love of all that is sacred, precious and holy on this green Earth and for the love of God, do not, under any circumstances move to Florida. It recently got “chilly” around here (i.e. 50 degrees F) and all of a sudden everyone started freaking the fuck out about the “cold.” My wife pointed out that whenever the temperature dips below the collective IQ in Miami (i.e. 75) the locals get really restless. I like you. I really do. So, do yourself a favor and please don’t come here. It SUCKS!!!!!! Balls. Tell your wife.”

(This may have been Smoked only because I strongly agree with everything that was said here. Also the Felix the Cat acid story a few comments down was outstanding.)

NefariousNewt/Comment 30,000 Is Almost Upon Us:

“Wouldn’t it be ironic if it were made in this thread?”

(“Which goes to show that Americans DO GET IRONY!!!!! Take that, English people!” – VWS)

MamaPenguino/Comment 30,000 Is Almost Upon Us:

“Goddamn it you, you fucking fuckers. I was kicked off the computer so some slow-witted child could watch Crazy Worms for the 14,658th time and then everyone in my snowbound household demanded lunch. So I hobbled downstairs (ask me about my fucked up back and knee, PLEASE, ask me!) to fix food for these half-sentient food-eating machines I live with, stumbling around the 129 cases of girl scout cookies…”

(This is only the beginning of the uncharacteristic rant from MamaP. Click the link for the entire piece.)

StrawberryShortcake/BJonstons’s Guide To A Romantic Evening Using Jazz And Bubble Bath:

“a champagne bath does sound sticky but also tingly! milk would be gross.”

(Whatever gets you into the tub.)

NefariousNewt/Bonnie And Clyde, But With Sandwiches And Headstones:

“Gotta admire a dame with a gat, and a jaunty hat.”

(Anyone who knows anything about your humble Smokie writer knew that this was getting Smoked.)

ForwardMotion/Death Is Terrifying Because It Is So Ordinary. It Happens All The Time:

“I think an occasional execution reminds us all to be grateful for what we have, as it could be taken away at ANY MOMENT. Particularly if we post spam.”

(I was looking for the coldest comment in the face of Sphinx’s execution. There wasn’t anything that was as brutal as I had hoped for, but this should remind us that no one is irreplaceable.)

LatterdayLenin/Laugh At This Old Woman Swearing:

“Do you think anyone is having sex with Don Imus these days? For free, I mean.”

(A necessary question that has not been asked enough.)

Those of the Wordsmoker Collective who participated in the FNFF/5 Second Movie Review: Sherlock Holmes:

I can’t do it. It is an impossible task to single out just a few comments from the FNFF. All of it was good. Although this appears lazy (because it is), it is the only just way to disseminate Smokies on this. If you participated, consider yourself Smoked or Poked depending on the nature of your comment.

Pokies:

Tigolbitties/The Smokies – Year End Retrospective:

“she lured me here with promises of more cocks than i could shake my boobs at – which so far has not materialized…”

(I was promised more boobs than I could shake my cock at, Tig. So far, it’s been pretty accurate.)

Unfun/Showing My Ass:

“I’m a pear shaped gal so I’m supposed to balance out my bottom half with a boot cut according to fashion mags, but they can kiss my fat ass, because I think skinny jeans look fabulous, and with booties, so I’m gonna rock that shit, even though I’m short and bubble-butted. I can’t wait to get a job so I can buy eleventy more pairs.”

and…

MilitantRubberDucky/Showing My Ass:

“I have a booty, and there is no way on God’s little green Earth I am going to squeeze all that goodness into anything with “skinny” in the title. Hell, I just had to go up a size on a leather skirt b/c it wouldn’t fit over my ass.”

(Two great asses. Two differing opinions. Insert your own girls with hot asses fighting it out comment here_____.)

MamaPenguino/Comment 30,000 Is Almost Upon Us:

“@Gerbs: Please, baby, let’s not fight like this. Maybe we should go away, just the two of us? We can rub lotion all over each other’s warm skin and braid our hair. Later, we’ll get tipsy and run, hand in hand, into the surf where we’ll lose our bikini tops and then, as the sun is setting into the beautiful blue ocean, we’ll suddenly stop and look at each other, realizing that there is this heat between us. BTW, you’re turning me on with your German lesson. I had to read Chaucer in the Middle English but did no actual translating, per se.”

(I’ll be honest. Up until this comment, the whole conversation between, MamaP, Frac, Beej and Gerbs wasn’t doing it for me. That is probably because there was no Chill included, but then MamaP turned it hot with this comment.)

VoxPopuli/Awake:

“It’s going to be knockers or jugs, and that’s final.”

(Taken out of context, this was pretty sexy.)

The Golden Lighter:

For the first time in history, the Golden Lighter was awarded to a 5 Second Movie Review. I guess in a world of 30,000 plus comments, anything is possible:

KateKateIsSquared/5 Second Movie Review: Sherlock Holmes:

“I would much rather see these two get it on than Jeremy Brett and Edward Hardwicke. However, it was made abundantly clear that DR. WATSON IS GETTING MARRIED TO A LADY, SO NONE OF THIS IS REMOTELY GAY.”

(“…and post hundreds of comments here.” This wound up being the site of our FNFF. Inadvertency FTW!)

The Flamethrower:

Although I rarely agree with the winners of this award in spirit, I can always appreciate the introduction of a good scathing topic. This week it’s:

TheRiverCharley/On Socialism, Facism, Fuckwits, And Shut The Fuck Up:

“Calling Obama a socialist based on his some of his policies – specifically, I suppose, health care reform, or the various bailouts – is kind of like calling someone who has studied Kung Fu Chinese.“

(This article sparked a number of  smaller debates including healthcare, education, narcotics legalization and government waste.)

The Mechanical Larynx:

I thought maybe I would go in a different direction this week and choose someone other than Wences, even though he put up an Americathon video, which was quite impressive. I’m sure he will recapture the title next week. This week, the award goes to a newcomer:

TheRiverCharley/5 Second Movie Review: Sherlock Holmes:

(Now you have to give Virus Stella’s information.)

The Iron Lung:

Do I have to mention to you every time that I have a hard time making this decision without nominations? I think I do. This week was no exception. There were so many good pieces after a slow week that it kills me to just give one Iron Lung. However, the only New Year’s resolution that I haven’t broken is to not water down the awards. So, I selected one:

Lisabee/Showing My Ass:

“In this case, I finally found a pair of jeans that fit, but there were a few areas for concern. They were a very tight pair of black skinny jeans with a sort of distressed acid wash. They cost $215. Not a great choice for me, or for anyone, really. But I bought them. And last night, I wore them to dinner.”

(I know nothing about fashion or what makes a pair of jeans “skinny jeans,” but I do love to hear a story about a group of women, unattended by men.)

That’s it for this week. Next week, it may be Sance, or it may be me. I am going to offer him a week off, since he has generously volunteered to take on the Smokies the week that I’m in NY. The meet up is set for the 23rd. The time and location still unconfirmed. To clear up a bit of confusion, I sent this out over Facebook to get things rolling. FB only allows 20 people per message for whatever reason. I focused on people who I know live in NY, but I actually don’t know who would be included in that population, so I may have missed a few. I certainly was not trying to snub anyone. Information can be had from any number of Wordsmokers. I look forward to meeting you all. Set your expectations of me low or prepare to be disappointed. I have a horrible odor that doesn’t show up in photos.  Well, it does if it’s hot out.