Wordsmoker

On Christmas Day, a 23-year-old Nigerian national by the name of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab boarded Northwest Airlines Flight 253 in Amsterdam and attempted to explode an incendiary device strapped to his leg over Michigan. Two days later, the Wordsmoker site was effectively shutdown by saboteurs. In the case of the Northwest flight, it took the red faced Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula three days to release this statement:

“Not only did our bomb not go off, but our operative was on the tarmac for 90 minutes before take off and they lost all but his carry-on, which I’m sure that they would have found a way to, had it not been loaded with explosives. Northwest is the worst. We’ll never attack them again.”

It may be days before the awkwardly named branch of the terrorist organization owns up to crashing our site, but since Virus was able to get it back up and running within 48 hours, there will surely be a lot of finger-pointing at this year’s Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula Y2K+10 Dirty Beards and Virgins New Years Eve Mixer.

The Smokies:

Technically our first Smokie came from last week. However, it sets up the New Year’s holiday nicely:

Unfun/Yes. The Friday Before Christmas:

“Three years ago this past November my ex husband left, and the only awesome part of that at the time was, come Christmas the month after, I said “suck my left one family, I am not celebrating this year. Don’t buy me anything, I’m not buying you anything, and don’t expect me to be there.” Unfortunately I have no impending divorces this year to exploit as an excuse for my non-existence at Christmas. Can we start talking about how much New Year’s sucks yet?”

(Divorce Addiction is an unrecognized, yet serious problem. However, with Christmas safely in our six, you can let the New Year bashing begin.)

Vaquero/Smokin’ Comment: Miss Peacock on K-Mart Wage Salary:

“People, I sprinkle rat poop on my salads as a treat. Buck up.”

(This comment made me feel so weak and inadequate I had to award it.)

BellTolls/Super Sunday Snow Talk:

“One of the great sexy moments in my life took place during a huge snowstorm in New York City. A chance meeting led to a long pub crawl in The Village, walking around in the middle of the street –no cars, taxis or buses– just the quiet of the snow and people walking around having a huge party. Then the evening ended with an ASSIGNATION. Every time I hear of a big snow I think about that incredible night. I must now be wired to believe that I will get laid if there is a giant snowstorm. I am in Los Angeles this week when it has been sunny and 70 everyday. Snow seems unlikely.”

(This was a great story. Had I caught it earlier, I would have submitted it as a Smokin’ Comment with a solicitation for sexy snow stories. That still may be an idea. Christmas is over, not Winter).

Baroness/Super Sunday Snow Talk:

“24 inches on the East End, some drifts higher, up to my hip. The tree out the window in front of this writing-machine had maybe twenty-five birds who survived an impressively monstrous night, weather-wise. I loved it, but it was howling and elemental in a scary/fun way. I laid a box of seed for them Sunday dinner, – special occasion. Of course, it was a brilliant red cardinal, strutting like a gladiator, who commandeered the box for him and his kin first. Cardinals are bossy, but they co-exist with other birds all right- it’s the bluejays that are remorseles cannibal killers, I’ve observed. Anyway, the cute chubby orioles eventually got their chance- I even caught one standing up to Boss Cardinal. It was a pleasure to watch them flitting up and down all day, they kept me company as I typed. There’s a strange feeling after a first, sudden blizzard, the landscape is altered in disorienting ways, for the birds as well as us. Was happy they seemed to enjoy it.”

(Everything Baroness writes is like poetry. Even those times when she’s angry.)

GerbilsInLove/Super Sunday Snow Talk:

“Here’s a quick story about my husband, a Northerner not used to cardinals – after we moved back to Virginia, I put up all my feeders. He was watching out the windows and got really excited. “Come quick, ” he says, “there’s a faded cardinal at the feeder! He must be sick or something!” Yes, it was a female. Yes, he’s a college-educated doctor. Yes, I about peed my pants laughing at him. It was almost 10 years ago, and I have never let him forget it. I hang onto that story and trot it out every damned occasion I can find to use it.”

(Why would this site even exist if it wasn’t to mock spouses?)

MisterHippity/Google’s ‘God” Search List: 10 Signs Of The Apocalypse:

“As a role model for young girls, the message she sends is: You can kick ass just like a man, except you have to get naked and dance sexy for men and prove your worth as as sex object too, or it doesn’t mean anything. Way to go, Danica.”

(I don’t think that I can ever claim being a feminist, but I thought that this was as succinct and powerful statement about a successful and strong woman allowing herself to be exploited as I’ve ever seen. I also liked the piece on Google and God. I also like the name MisterHippity.)

Mediahohoho/A Few Words About Some Dads On Whom I Have Had Enormous Crushes:

“I realize that my statement could be read a number of ways. What I meant is: it is fathers who are given an amazing opportunity when they get to be a father. For so long, I told myself that being a dad was just something that wasn’t in the cards for me. Now that I’m am a parent, I can’t imagine not having this relationship. It’s easily the most worthwhile thing I’ve ever done in my life…by far.”

Pokies:

BookishLookish/Super Sunday Snow Talk:

“Ten big inches in New York City.”

(I think you sounded the alert a bit early on this. I arrive January 23. Actually Rene Sance gets an assist for bringing this home. Although, he was definitely not talking about me.)

NefariousNewt/Super Sunday Snow Talk:

“@MAMA PENGUINO: You shame us. As penance, I will now retire outside to make snow angels while naked.”

(“A Pokie,” you ask?  I’m thinking that this must be sexy to someone.)

MamaPenguino/The Smokies – A Season to Give to Chillbear Edition:

“@Why: But that makes it even worse! Because I was going to offer a sloppy blow job AND doggy-style fornication to every new male police officer friend I made on FB during the holidays! In all seriousness, I understand what you’re saying, but you need to know that we share our men around here.”

(Looks like I need to create a new FB profile.)

MamaPenguino/Ghost of Christmas Past:

“I have no beef with Starbuck’s, but there are only two within a 75 mile radius of my home. And they DO support the troops – they’re always trying to get me to buy this annoying thing or that annoying thing in order to support our troops. I support our troops the old-fashioned way: by fucking them blind while they’re on leave. JUST KIDDING, HONEY!”

(Two Pokies in a row again for BookishLoo…Oh, wait.)

AnyoneWhoMentioned”Mastur”… /Fun In The Sunshine State:

Consider yourselves Poked.

(You did have to have written at least to the “r” in “masturbation,” so a few of you may not get this award. Just kidding.)

Mechanical Larynx:

There wasn’t a lot of audio-visual this week, but we did have a few. However, I believe that one entry really demonstrated the spirit of this time of year. Well, for Christians anyway…

SenorWences/Lest Ye Forget:

(Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this the first time a Mechanical Larynx has been awarded in conjunction with an excommunication?)

The Iron Lung:

You may think that with the limited holiday posting, that I would have an easier time making a selection. I did not. I also didn’t receive any nominations, which would have surely pushed one of the contenders to the top. However, left to my own devices, I selected the soulful and humorous account of a near death experience:

BJonston/Fun In The Sunshine State:

“Back to the pizza. Mushrooms and banana peppers. My favorite. I pay the kid and tip him generously for dealing with the assholes downstairs who man the security desk and seem to derive an inordinate amount of pleasure from obfuscating, fucking with and otherwise torturing any delivery personnel unfortunate enough to enter the lobby of this fucking condo. Fuckers.”

(As great as that paragraph is, the story has very little to do with pizza. Do yourself a favor and read this if you haven’t already.)

Rene Sance will be back by popular demand next week. Don’t forget to reserve space at the upcoming Wordsmoker event somewhere in NY, sometime between January 23 and the 27th.