Drunk 4 Year Old Crossdresser Ruins Christmas

December 18, 2009 in I SHIT YOU NOT, Interesting Moving Pictures

Oh congratulate yourselves, America – you just mutated, slightly. As a country, one of your own has raced ahead of all others into territory Child Protective Services now call “unknown”. For one of your number has displayed a mixture of intelligence and menace beyond rational explanation – I refer, of course – to the 4 year old boy who got drunk, broke out of his home and broke into his neighbors, opened their gifts, and ended up wearing a brown dress holding a 12oz bottle of Bud. America – you excel.

You should really pat yourselves on the back. There is no part of this story that isn’t incredible, and it happened in your country. I mean – Balloon Boy has nothing on Little Hayden Wright. You must all watch this, maybe a couple of times, maybe just once. It’s hard to know when it’s gonna hit you.

Hayden Wright probably won’t grow up to be a golfer, accruing great riches through corporate sponsorship. Nor will he become a spokesperson for any top brand. But you never know. There are always second acts in American lives, no matter what you’ve heard – Little Hayden’s second act either involves a series of churches located across the Midwest mysteriously burning down, or a hit show on VH1. Perhaps both.

Anyway. It’s America, and it’s hard not to love you for it. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Tags: America fucking rocks, future GOP leaders, little bastards, mad children not called damien, that special american excellence

← Chillbear LaMeerkat

The Wordsmoker Colony – Samurai Panda Planet a.k.a. The Most Awesome Place Not On Earth And You Must I Repeat Must Be This Tall To Ride →

http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/voxpopuli/ VoxPopuli

I can’t really enjoy the awesome part of it though because it’s sad – he wanted to go to jail to be with his dad. My initial reaction when I heard about it earlier was best story evah! followed by …wait, what? Awww…
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/sfbirdie/ sfbirdie

This has got to be a joke, or else I’ve officially killed myself – on the inside, of course.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/therivercharley/ therivercharley

ok. a few things:

1. that field reporter? not long for chattanooga. you know, because she’s hot.
2. judging from those pictures, that’s not the first beer that kid’s had.
3. hey, mom. you can take that pillow off your lap. we know there’s a belly under there.
4. i really don’t think there’s anything more depressing than a drunk 4 year-old wandering the streets at 2 in the morning in a dress. i mean, i’ve felt pretty terrible about myself wandering around drunk at 2 in the morning in a dress. if there’s an upside, the dress was new, and so clean and unripped.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/nefariousnewt/ NefariousNewt

Those doorknob things are pretty worthless. I broke a bunch of them just trying to get them on the doors when my daughter was younger. Plus, the kids is 4 — those things were meant to stop toddlers.

This is just pathetic. I mean it. This is what American society is coming to. Ignorance in action — we’re breeding them this way now. A whole generation, as dumb as fence posts, having kids they don’t have the first clue how to raise. Is it any wonder that polls show people don’t believe in climate change, think Obama is from Kenya, and don’t want national health coverage? These are the people who answer these poll questions!!!!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/curly-q-tips-2/ Curly Q Tips

Okay. My doorbell rings at 2AM and it’s a small child with a beer. I LET THE SUCKER WANDER OFF TO THE NEXT HOUSE ON THE STREET???

This story has more holes than Fishnet’s stockings.
http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

He saw his daddy pop a beer and be bad, naturally he knew just what to do to get thrown in jail. The part about the stolen brown dress though? That about broke my heart.

Where is Kneetoe, from east TN, to explain the behavior of his people?

Also, I love this song, almost forgot about it:
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

No, April, kids DON’T “do things like this” and it’s NOT “out of your control.” ARGH!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/curly-q-tips-2/ Curly Q Tips

“Take me to another place…” Indeed. But at least Arrested Development Land has responsible adults participating in rearing children.

(And thanks for today’s ear worm, I love that song.)
http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

@CQT: I knew that ya would.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/forwardmotion/ forwardmotion

Sad sad sad. But I have to say, if he had made a perfect Brandy Manhattan, THAT would have been a story.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/forwardmotion/ forwardmotion

On a serious note (because it’s just hard to accept this story is real, even though I know it is) most people in prison had dads that were in prison.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/forwardmotion/ forwardmotion

Also: the world sucks.
http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

@FoMo: My son ALMOST knows how to make a Manhattan, but has no idea how to pop a beer can. Beer in cans? Pfft, not fucking likely chez BL.

Also, let me step up and be that bitch: April, get off your big ass, you placid cow, and wrangle your baby. You cannot be a good mother and be that fat–you have to CHASE a four-year-old around this round world, and to do that you need to be in shape. Maybe if he was tuckered out from a day of exercise at the park he would have been asleep at two in the morning, not up watching Nick Jr. while you’re passed out in a Moon Pie and Budweiser coma on the foldout.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

I know the mother said that she felt like a failure, but I don’t know many four year olds with such moxie.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/strawberry-shortcake/ Strawberry Shortcake

Drinking really is marketed to preschoolers. I mean I remember how to drink by the little poem:

Liquor before beer your in the clear
Beer before liquor; you couldn’t be sicker!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/nefariousnewt/ NefariousNewt

@Strawberry Shortcake: Yeah, but the Mythbusters debunked that saying.
http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

@SS: “Beer on whiskey; risky. Whiskey on beer, clear.” In the greater New York metropolitan area we cut right to it, no poetry.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/strawberry-shortcake/ Strawberry Shortcake

Newt- yeah and they also said you won’t die from eating pop rocks and coke at the same time but my sister’s roomate’s cousin’s best friend DID die from that!

BL-We take our time with things in Midwest.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/sfbirdie/ sfbirdie

Bookish: There are so many placid cows out there who could use a good bitch from you.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@BL: As much as I dislike this woman, I truly don’t think simply being chubby is her problem. And c’mon, let’s face it, she’s not FAT fat, just sort of plump. I am an old mother with a fucked-up knee and I don’t chase anyone, young or old. Chillbear, if you’re thinking we’re going to role-play boss/secretary and run around the sofa, etc., think again. I’ll say “chase me, chase me” and then you’ll catch me in about 3 seconds. Also, the fucked-up knee does not prevent me from performing sexually in any of the major positions, fyi. Back to this kid. I can’t tell what’s wrong from that short video, but it’s not mobility.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/gerbilsinlove/ gerbilsinlove

Mama P: I am an old mother, too, with an entirely fucked up body, and plump is a nice word to use, though I refer to myself as “fluffy.”

Also, I chase no one. Chillbear is going to have it too easy with both of us – I say we set up an obstacle course and give ourselves a two minute head-start to make it more challenging. Not too challenging, as we want him to be able to perform, though.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@Gerbils: You’re about as fluffy as Mr. Bigglesworth. Serously, you’ve got to shut your mouth about this! You are not plump, fluffy or even pleasingly plush. You’re just a very good-looking broad, okay? A good-looking broad who did hot young brothers. I just cannot get over that! Anyway, I’m in on the obstacle course. I love those!
http://wordsmoker.com sphinx

ATTENTION: HOUSEWIVES OF WARREN COUNTY AND THE STATE OF OHIO. IF YOUR HUSBAND OR THE CHEAPSKATE THAT YOU LIVE WITH BRAGGED ABOUT GETTING A FREE CHRISTMAS TREE. IT MAY BE STOLEN!!!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

[insert BJonston sad face here:___]

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