Wordsmoker

2009 was the year my child started kindergarten and I had to start interacting with other mothers, most of whom seem to find me sorely lacking. I just got a monumental set-down via e-mail from the regional girl scout lady and it is all I can do not to sob my little heart out. I will definitely be writing about this just as soon as I quit doing the work of three people at my mother-fucking job.

@Chillbear: When you say 2009 blows (blew?) were you talkin’ about me and you? wink, wink, nudge, nudge, knowhatimean? For your comment on Long Ride Home about the evil girl scout lady, I hereby offer you non-penetrating sexual congress should you ever drive along I-70 at the same time my child is in school and I just happen to be home that day because I have a “fever.”

@Gerbils: To hell with your gallbladder, you’re gorgeous!

My gallbladder sucks
But I’m a natural blond
Suck it, gallbladder.

@BLW, et al.: Jejune also means “juvenile, immature, etc.” We’re all correct!

@Sargasm: Is Mrs. Sargasm cancer-free now, I hope??? Also, brink of divorce – I did that in 1992 and it sucked so bad, but here it is almost 2010 and I’m still married to the same penguino. You will not believe how you’ll talk about 2009 in ten years and say, WTF, honey, how did we ever get through that?

@Dahl’s novel is all kinds of AWESOME! Seriously, people. You think she can write, but you don’t know (yet) that she can WRITE.

@MediaHoHoHo: I call bullshit on you. I’ve read your updates, I’ve read your posts, I’ve seen the videos and pictures of what must be the happiest child east of the Mississippi – a kid who looks well-cared-for, loved, cute, funny, darling, etc. You are the father I always wished I had – you have no idea how much your sweet baby is going to remember this time with you if for no other reason than he remembers how dad was always -ALWAYS- there for him.

@Sarah: If you ever want to talk about brothers, brothers dying suddenly, and the terrible weight of that awful event, I hope you send me an e-mail: mamapenguino@gmail.com. I am so sorry.

@therivercharley: I hate to respond to your pain in a few sentences in a comment that is addressed to many people, so I will simply say right now that if you want to laugh, cry, and shake your fist at God, you came to the right place. Wordsmoker is like a gigantic little treehouse where at any time of the day I might race up the steps nailed to the tree and rush into the fort to find at least a handful of my most treasured friends just waiting for me to start talking. I hope I can be that to you, too. xxoo

Gerbils, gerbils
smokin’ some herb(als)-
Sexy blonde Gerbils
is very very verbal.

What’s that Gerb?
You don’t smoke herb?
You don’t play with Furb(y)
and you won’t park by the curb?

Gerbils, gerbils
ought to smoke some herb(als)-
Don’t cry Gerbils
You are so superb(al).

@Gerbils: You’d better get it together before our threesome with Chillbear. I’m okay with the hairy legs, but a girl can only go so far. In all seriousness, I really hate that you’re going through this. If I were your neighbor, I’d come shave your legs and do your hair with Pssssst!

@Unfun: We have a spare room now that our second adoption fell through – I’d like to see you move in with us before going back to your mom’s. I feel like such crap about your getting fired that I’ll install cable, wireless, and get you some pretty bedroom furniture. In short, I guess I’m saying we will adopt you. The only thing we require is that you let me dress you and Little P in matching outfits.

@Charley: Alan giveth, Alan taketh away. You’ll never have that experience here unless you call someone’s writing style a “worn-out genre.” I don’t remember actually auditioning, but whoever let me in did so on Jezebel. I migrated to Gawker thereafter.

@MissPeacock: I worked at K-Mart for 4 weeks over Xmas when I was in college and my job was to stock clothing and rub wax paper over the rails so the hangers wouldn’t screech when the customers moved them.

@Gerbils: Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about our threesome. I’ve never had one before, so be gentle with me. I’m worried Chillbear, as a cop, is going to try to direct traffic, so to speak, so we’ll have to be united.

I JUST REALIZED THAT GERBILS HAS HAD THREE-WAY SEX WITH TWO MEN!

GERBILS, I WANT DETAILS AND I WANT THEM NOW!