Wordsmoker

Hello there, fellow Wordsmokers! SFBirdie here, after a bit of a hiatus from the whole writing thing (had a bit of a writer’s block). I’ve decided to kick off my return to putting thoughts and ideas into semi-coherent sentences and paragraphs with a look at the crazies on the season premiere of the Real Housewives of Orange County!

What’s that you say? Don’t know much about the Real Housewives? Been living under a rock or having too much of a life? Well then fix yourself a drink, get comfortable and let me tell you a little somethin’ about these ladies.

Obviously, RHOC is the first in the highly popular Real Housewives franchise. These ‘housewives’ are pretty impressive because they all live in gated communities in THE OC! Yup, the wealthy little suburbia just south of the bedazzled pit-stain of Los Angeles. They bicker and say mean, catty things and jiggle their bosoms around town like they freaking own the place… and well, it somehow it makes for good tv (don’t even ask me how I define ‘good’ tv, because it varies with each program).

Anyway, RHOC returned last night with the usual suspects AND some very interesting (to me, DON’T JUDGE) revelations. Here’s a rundown of what’s been happenin’ with these ladies who lunch and booze (not as much as the ones in Atlanta, though) and bitch:

Vicki: The very important insurance agent who, in previous seasons, has spent a lot of energy berating her nice, loving husband, Don (even telling us, at one point, that he doesn’t fill her “love tank” anymore), in between running some big awesome company and raising a couple of bratty kids. She’s the Big Kahuna of these women – a self-made, successful, control freak of a woman. She claims she’s not big on the drama but, HEY, she signed up to be on the REAL HOUSEWIVES. It’s obvious she loves it, what with her under-the-breath gossip bombshells and condescending attitude to certain other housewives.

My utter disdain for Vicki was somewhat softened this evening due to her rekindled relationship with her husband. Hold onto your hats, friends, because you will never guess what they did to pull that fast one on us. They worked through their problems. Um, amazing, I didn’t even know that type of thing existed anymore (stupid J&K). I was actually quite surprised that Vicki got off her high horse (she kind of reminds me of one – hope Don doesn’t get arrested for buggery) and made it a goal to fix her marriage. Kudos, Vicki, but only new episodes will tell if you stick to your word.

I should also mention that Vicki was recently interviewed by the greatest recapper of ALL TIME and she COMPLETELY blew it, coming off as a TOTAL B who gave snotty answers about being too busy and important to pay attention to silly little blogs and how she would never take the time to read them (they’re written by people who lack real lives, apparently). Here, judge her for yourself. Her ‘tude does NOT help her case for this season.

Jeana: The ex-wife of a jerk baseball player. She finally left him in the second or third season, but still struggles with self-image (she’s the most ‘voluptuous’ of the bunch) and is stuck in this whole “will I ever find someone to love me?” phase. I always liked her until last season, when her nonstop pity parties about her weight and men and her ex husband started to get a little repetitive and about as fun as a Law & Order: SVU murder (not the show, the actual crime – the show is PHENOMENAL). I mean I really hope she DOES find a wonderful man, but HEY LADY, guess what? Insecurities are only so appealing to men (and mainly to those you shouldn’t get involved with) until said insecurities become really annoying and you start to look like a whiny old bat with the spine of a jellyfish. I honestly want to send someone from Jezebel over to Jeana’s house to school her in the abcs of feminism and, you know, not needing a man for validation.

She really didn’t have much to do in the first episode. She and Vicki used to be BFFs but Jeana hasn’t spoken to Vicki ever since she wouldn’t lend her money. (Wow, is EVERYONE broke now?) To be quite honest, even with my Vicki prejudices, I think she did the right thing. I firmly believe money and friendship do not mix, no matter how well you know each other. And the fact that Jeana lets something like this get between them further confirms my suspicion of her schoolgirl maturity.

NOTE: A gray Gawker commenter suggested the rift in their friendship could also be due to Jeana’s blatant crush on Don which, a. is definitely a viable reason and b. has the possibility to make for some mmm-mmm-good reality drama.

The most bizarre-o scene was watching Jeanie’s teenage son scold her for spending $200 bucks on lunch with a friend… Now, I’m not the wisest person when it comes to fiscal responsibility (I’m an AMERICAN, you know), but I’m pretty sure blowing hundreds of dollars on lunch dates isn’t the most prudent thing to do when you’re at the point of begging your pals for $$. Her son understands this, how come she doesn’t? Oh right, it’s the OC (I know, I shouldn’t call it that). Maybe she has the OC Disorder. I don’t know, let’s move on.

Tamra: One of the younger chicas with an older son from a previous marriage and some little kids with her current husband, Simon. She’s young and Barbie-like and slutty and, back when she had money (because you know now everyone’s turning into poors), pretty damn flashy. SHE LOVES ZEE DRAMZ. She’s also very transparent in how she feels about, well, everyone. She always hates on newbies to the group (like Gretchen) because she feels threatened by a pretty new face and bubbies (that’s Real Housewives New Jersey speak for boobs, btw) more perky than hers. Her whole schtick is “Housewives may come younger, but they don’t come hotter.” Yeah, she’s THAT girl. Her idea of resolving an argument with Simon is, and I am not making this up, doing a shot of tequila and just “like, chill[ing] out”. There’s some indication of marital trouble and Simon being too much of a controlling husband (thanks, Vicki), but we’ll get to that as the season progresses.

Husband issues are interesting and all, but we REALLY NEED to talk about the whole Tamra versus Gretchen ish, because that’s the deuce dropped in our laps at the end of the first episode. For those of you who don’t want to rot your brain every Thursday night, here’s the deal with…

Gretchen: One of the ‘newer’ housewives (she appeared last season after a reorg of the main caricatures) lost her thousand-year-old ‘fiance’ to cancer right after the season ended. Like her arch-enemy, Tamra, Gretchen is young and pretty. Unlike Tamra, though, Gretchen nailed the “Why is everybody picking on me? ::sob:: My fiancé is DYING. ::sob::” act quite early on and won over the sympathy of fellow newbie of that season, Lynne (we’ll get to leatherface at a later date), and the other pity party in the room (Jeana).

Tamra and Vicki, however, are STILL not convinced. Tammy‘s bitch instincts tell her that Gretchen‘s a bunch of lies wrapped up in a silicone-swirl of peroxide, sprinkled with diamonds made from the souls of lost African boys. Or something like that. Tamra does not like this Gretchen hoohah, not one bit. I’ve always found Tamra‘s insufferable hate for Gretchen amusing, considering she ain’t a virginal pillar of morality herself. But more on that another time because who wants to talk about that when we can talk about NUDIE PHOTOS!?!?! See? I’ve been lurking in the WS shadows all these months, but it doesn’t mean I don’t know what gets your attention.

So it turns out that some scandalous photos surfaced on this here interweb (Virus, you might enjoy – google “Gretchen Rossi“) right after the season finale, and Tam apparently went on the warpath to make sure everyone and their mother and pet parrot, Petey, knew about it. Oh SNAP.

AND, to solidify Tam‘s belief that Gretch is nothing but “the hooker of the OC” (yes, Tam said it to her face last night), it turns out Gretchen is now dating SLADE, the biggest tool in the history of tools from tool planet in tool universe. I cannot emphasize what a loser this guy is and I would suggest you visit RL’s recap for further clarification. He first slimed his way onto the show while dating Jo, one of the original RHOC loons (a pretty loon, to boot) whom, post-season, he tried to start a singing career for and then, post-breakup, tried to pawn her off on unsuspecting dating reality show contestants (is an unsuspecting reality show contestant even possible?). He is a creep to the MAXX and no one likes him. And now Gretchen is dating him… which makes me suspect that Tamra might just be right, and that Gretchen may be just as slimy as SLADE SMILEY (what kind of name is that?!).

I mean, she did do a reality show while her ‘fiance’ was dying of cancer.

CONCLUSION: We’ve got an extremely botoxed stage of goodies for this season. I mean, the War of the Blonds is imminent, marriages are thriving, marriages might be dying and, hell, you’ve got nudie pics! Woohoo! Bet you’re as excited as I am!!! Actually, I’m beat, and I bet you’re pretty beat from having to read this barrel of L’Oreal Superior Preference.

Until Next Time.