Lawyergay’s List Of 10 Beautiful Men

October 8, 2009 in ListSmoker

I love a beautiful woman, don’t get me wrong, but I am also quite partial to the fellas. I’ve always thought that one of the reasons some men are so freaked out about us homos is that they can’t stand the thought of being stripped of their sexual agency (and, of course, their clothing) by one of their “bros,” “brohams,” “broheims,” “brahs” and/or Rip Taylor. Memo to the man-candy out there: The tables have turned, broseph! In the spirit of objectifying the hell out of some seriously sexy dudes, then, I offer you the following, in no particular order:

1. Randolph Scott: So-so actor during Hollywood’s golden age (and beyond) and Cary Grant’s secret boyfriend, Scott is the kind of handsome that makes you want to start wearing hats just so you have an excuse to run into him at the haberdasher’s.

2. Jason Bateman: Who fills out a pair of corduroys better? Bateman is both great-looking and deserves some kind of MacArthur Genius Award for his performance in “Arrested Development,” the funniest television show ever made.

3. Bryan Batt: Jon Hamm is too…too. Batt, who plays art director Salvatore Romano on AMC’s “Mad Men,” is dark and handsome but also approachable. Yo, Batt, if you’re reading this: I’ve got some Sambuca warming and a great view from my bedroom.

4. Richard Ruccolo: He was in everyone’s favorite homoflick (after Trick, natch*), All Over the Guy with Dan Bucatinsky,** but that’s not why I find him irresistible. Nope, it’s that sweet, mischievous smile and kind of effortless ease with himself. Yeah, that.

5. David Eigenberg: “Steve” from “Sex And The City” was hunky and nerdy at the same time. He was nunky and herdy, and I love that.

6. Blair Underwood: Yes, I am a total “Miranda.”

7. Santa Claus: Not only is he beautiful on the inside, he’s an extremely nice-looking older gentleman. The historical St. Nicholas was an early Christian living in what is now modern Turkey, so I’m just going to assume that Santa knows his way around a Turkish oil wrestling match, obviously a huge plus.

8. Brett Favre: My idea of fantasy football.

9. Grant Imahara: This “Mythbusters” hottie builds his own robots, fer Chrissakes!

10. Shane Keough: Okay, okay. Shane is a total brain-dead jock from a reality show (“The Real Housewives of Orange County”) who really needs to explore his Oedipal rage. But he’s just so hot.

*, **: Just kidding, I only watch gay movies with penis puns in the title.

Tags: With my mind I will make Richard Ruccolo gay

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http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/misspeacock/ MissPeacock

Is there a pun in ‘Beautfiful’ that I don’t understand? Or is it just a typo? Your line about penis puns in the title has me unsure of myself.

This Randolph Scott chap is delicious. I’m about to devour his Wikipedia entry.

I love nerdy men like Steve from Sex and the City. This is why I adore Topher Grace and Tobey Maguire. Yummy yum yum.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

While I must disagree that Jon Hamm is too…well, anything, I will back up your excellent calls on Jason Bateman and Blair Underwood and mull over your David Eigenberg. I think he may only be cute with Steve’s personality, although in the few scenes in which he went shirtless I was very pleasantly surprised. Also, I don’t watch any RH so I don’t know who Shane Keough is but if that’s him in the picture, well, yummy!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lawyergay/ lawyergay

MissP: Nope, just a typo…fixing!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/uncivily-obedient-2-2/ uncivilly obedient

Most of these people are definitely on the better side of plain, but I wouldn’t say that they are beautiful.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lawyergay/ lawyergay

UO: I’m telling Santa.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@LG: I guess Unciv can kiss Xmas presents goodbye this year! Hey, I’ve never heard of some of these guys, but they’re really well-pressed. Do you admire any disheveled men that might make the top 20?
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/uncivily-obedient-2-2/ uncivilly obedient

@LG: That’s alright, I’m Jewish so he’s never brought me gifts anyway.

But please don’t tell Jason Bateman.
http://wordsmoker.com kneetoe

I’m not seeing myself on this list, so I can testify to its accuracy at least that far.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lawyergay/ lawyergay

MamaP: You’re right. The first non well-pressed type who comes to mind is Colin Farrell, but he looks like he might not smell very good.
http://chirpingsectary.tumblr.com/ Carson Suggs

I’m surprised (young) Gregory Peck was not mentioned here.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/misspeacock/ MissPeacock

@Mama P: Weren’t you like the only person who was all about banging that burly, hairy Scottish guy in a kilt we had a picture of a while back?
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/colonelmustard/ Colonel Mustard

Shane Keough is definitely hot on the outside, but sorta gross on the inside.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/nefariousnewt/ NefariousNewt

@MISSPEACOCK: Steve was the best character on Sex and The City, and a god to nerdy types everywhere.

@CARSON SUGGS: Yeah, you can’t beat old-time Hollywood for charm and beauty, for men and women alike.

@LAWYERGAY: You won’t have to tell Santa — he knows!!!! When you think about, it’s kind of creepy; he’s got better spies that the CIA.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mediahohoho/ mediahohoho

I don’t think straight dudes are put off by knowing they might be checked out by other dudes, per se. Hey, flattery is flattery. But the one time I was really put off by it was when I was catcalled in the village many years ago in a crude and vulgar way. I don’t flatter myself, but let’s face it, I had hair. I was coming from the gym, skating, pumped. But I remember how angry I felt and resolved to continue my–at that point 32-year–commitment to not doing the same thing to women on the street. I also understood a lot better how women felt about that.

All that said, at this point, if I got an unsolicited compliment from a gay man (or woman) about my appearance now, I’m sure I’d blush and suggest a good optometrist. Or shrink.

Point is, if you want to make a straight dude blush, challenge him to make a list of 10 Hot Dudes. Never happen.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/blix/ Blix

LG: When Santa thinks of you, he touches his elf.
http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

This is charming, LG. I don’t know if I could pick just ten.

As for men being stripped of their sexual agency, heh, I just opened the BookishLookish Sexual Agency/Strip Club and I need a good lawyer/mouthpiece. Call me, babe.

If any of you WS men are interested in shaking your moneymakers/indulging in a bit of objectification, send your resumes in. It’s good for gender relations and you can make some crisp scrilla.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lawyergay/ lawyergay

Newt: I don’t think I put enough thought into Santa. He’s actually kind of an asshole who makes a list of “naughty” and “nice” children, like some sort of supernatural Richard Nixon. And as UO points out, he doesn’t even stop by the Jewish kids’ houses. I’m going to ask to see him naked for Christmas and then probably revise this post.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/banjo-seakitten/ Banjo-SeaKitten

@LG: dang. I closed my eyes and said a little prayer before I clicked, thinking there’s no way Steve from SATC is going to be on this list or any others. I cannot explain my crush on him. His high voice is ridiculous; his acting not much, but gosh, cute. I was surprised when Miranda finally realized he was The One–didn’t see it coming. What a hot scene. Hot boy.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/viruswithshoes/ VirusWithShoes

No “Stephen Colbert”?

Or Keanu Reeves circa “Point Break”?

I’VE SAID TOO MUCH.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/misspeacock/ MissPeacock

Oh, LG. You know you’re dying to get on Santa’s “naughty” list, you bad boy.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/viruswithshoes/ VirusWithShoes

I’ll go to my grave regretting the fact that I never got the chance to punch the fuck out of “Steve” from Sex In The City.

He still riles me. BUT EACH TO THEIR OWN, I GUESS.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

OK, I’m sorry, but I have to–it’s a sickness.

My top 11, in no particular order and with no explanation.
1. Hugh Laurie
2. Taye Diggs
3. Kal Penn
4. Anthony Kiedis
5. Stephen Colbert
6. Jon Stewart
7. Brad Pitt
8. George Clooney
9. Ian Somerhalder
10. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
11. Matt Damon

Phew! I feel so much better now. Please resume your regularly scheduled program while I proceed to do the exact same thing on BJ’s list.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/banjo-seakitten/ Banjo-SeaKitten

@Virus: I know. Steve is highly punchable and my crush on him remains inexplicable. There’s life for ya.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/misspeacock/ MissPeacock

@DAHL: Oooo, Kal Penn. Good choice. I thought he was kind of hot when I caught part of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle the other day. Note to self: must see rest of movie.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mediahohoho/ mediahohoho

@VwS: Now that’s a list I can get behind: top 10 dudes out of which I’d like to punch the fuck.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

@Mhhh: At least I know I’ll make a list.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/gerbilsinlove/ gerbilsinlove

I see this list is missing Desmond from “Lost.” Allow me to correct that wee mistake.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

@Miss P: The Namesake is what did it for me. For some reason, from the moment I saw that movie, I knew I needed to screw his brains out.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@MissP: No, Adam was interested, too! It wasn’t just me!

@LG: Mark Ruffalo. God. I’d do him right now if he walked into my office, knowing I’d have to spend 6 long months in marriage counseling (not to mention career counseling) right after.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lawyergay/ lawyergay

MamaP: Oh fuck, you’re so right! He is beautiful. So long, Santa!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@LG: Did you see him in In the Cut? God.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/h-totheomo/ H. Totheomo

Since I recently started back on Lexapro, I have the sex drive of a wrench.

However, since growing a beard, I seem to have become one. Women, sad for both of us, have taken to me while men continue to elude me.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/unfun/ Unfun

Javier Bardem. That is all.

No really. He completes me.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/misspeacock/ MissPeacock

Joel McHale. Would do him in a heartbeat. That smile!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/katekate/ katekate is squared

Oh my god, Jason Bateman. Every time I tell someone how attractive I think he is, I get weird looks. I knew I belonged here!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/minou/ minou

I haven’t experienced a sexual event in so long that I think my brain is going to short-circuit from this post. Hot men? WHUT? I think I might have some donuts around here somewhere… send help….
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/minou/ minou

OK. I’ve gathered my faculties. Phew. Wow.

I call it “The Canon”:
James Franco
Rahm Emanuel
Ben Harper
Jon Hamm
Some guy who was DJing at Bliss in Noe Valley sometime around January 2009, had a broken arm?
Kyle Chandler (I’m on a “Friday Night Lights” kick. I know.)
Anthony Bourdain
A young William Carlos Williams
Got an Irish accent? I will probably want to have sex with you.
Southie accent? See above. I won’t discriminate just because you’re Irish-American.

I’m not going to continue. It wouldn’t end well for any of us.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/h-totheomo/ H. Totheomo

Colin Firth
Marlon Brando
Paul Newman
XXXXXXXXX (Censored)
Randolph Scott (GOOD PICK)
Cary Grant
Chris Noth (Law and Order more than SATC)
Colin Quinn
Paul Henreid
The Guy Next Door
Anyone
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/anna/ Anna

Ahhhh, Steve from SATC. I will always remember the scene when he walks away from Miranda sans pants in the SATC movie…….NICE ASS!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/minou/ minou

@HtotheOMO: How is it even possible that I forgot Colin Firth? What kind of a world is this?
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/anna/ Anna

@MISSESPEACOCK–OMFG. Joel McHale. We will have to scrap for him
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

@MHH: Point is, if you want to make a straight dude blush, challenge him to make a list of 10 Hot Dudes. Never happen.

Wanna bet?

1. Tom Brady
2. George Clooney
3. Brad Pitt
4. Harrison Ford
5. Barack Obama
6. Joe Cocker (c. August 1969)
7. Bret Favre
8. Michael Jordan
9. David Carradine (back in the day)
10. Kobe Bryant

Whatevs.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lawyergay/ lawyergay

Beej: I love it (and detected no blushing). Well done. And we also clearly overlap on Favre. Clooney and Brady were hovering just outside of my top-ten.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

@LG: Glad you enjoyed it. I’ve had a man crush on Tom Brady since forever. And I fucking hate the Patriots! And who doesn’t have a crush on Clooney? That guy is cool incarnate.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

Oh my God, did I really forget Jon Hamm? I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. JGL, you’ve been replaced. At least until I finally see Brick, and then you’ll probably jump back on over Matt Damon.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mediahohoho/ mediahohoho

Okay, I’ll bite.

1. Norman Blake
2. Grandpa Jones
3. Tony Rice
4. Chris Eldredge
5. Dan Bern
6. Tim O’Brian
7. Steve Earle
8. Josh Ritter
9. Chris Thile
10. Lester Flatt

Just. Beautiful.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lawyergay/ lawyergay

MediaH: I just spent about 20 minutes Googling the hell out of your list. Musically beautiful, and therefore inherently beautiful, seems to be the theme.

I have a question: What would someone like you think of someone like me who listens to Alison Krauss and really likes it?
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/weegees_bored/ Weegee\’s Bored

I’ll take Grant Imahara if I can have Kari Byran on alternate weekends.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mediahohoho/ mediahohoho

LG: First point, yeah. I kind have only have one basis for admiration–and envy–anymore, and that’s musical ability, both inherent and earned. As for someone like me and someone like you, I can only make vague assumptions about what that means in each of our cases, but Allison Krauss makes any number of lists for me, so I’m not surprised. She’s lovely, as is her music. As “Americana” needs all the fans it can get, I can only hope more people like you love her music, and many many like her like Emmylou Harris, Gillian Welch, Nancy Griffith, Nanci Griffin, Dixie Chicks….oops, there I go making another list.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/captainfantastic/ CaptainFantastic

@BJ & MHHH: I sent my list into Virus as a new post before I left work. We’ll see if he posts it. BJ, we overlap on Harrison Ford and George Clooney. Tony Rice sure can pick (I’ve seen him in a few intimate venues and had my photo taken with him someplace), but he’s sure not much to look at.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mediahohoho/ mediahohoho

@Cap’n: Norman Blake, however, total dreamboat. Wait, what?
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lawyergay/ lawyergay

MHHH: I’ve always loved the Dixie Chicks and used to play the fiddle myself. Vague assumptions seem to be right on!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mediahohoho/ mediahohoho

LG: I’ll expect your list of hot fiddlers, pronto.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

LG: Well, I’d like to fiddle the Dixie Chicks.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/perverseus/ perverseus

I’m no expert on making lists of beautiful men, but no mention of Christopher Reeve? The guy was Superman — I’d think that would at least cause a coin flip with Santa Claus.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/voxpopuli/ VoxPopuli

Yes, definitely to Jason Bateman and Blair Underwood (who has barely aged!). Taye Diggs is hot, but ever since I read some gossip item a few years ago suggesting that he was making out with Ashlee Simpson in a club, his stock plummeted and never recovered in my eyes.

Shamefully, I think Ashton Kutcher is good looking even though he seems like a total moron. I can’t help it.

Remember who used to be really hot 10 years ago? Jude Law. In “The Talented Mr. Ripley” he was just divine to look at.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

How about Jim Brewer? Ah? No? Anyone? Come on. No? Ah, what do you know from hot?
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

Okay, goddamn it. I am very heterosexual, but I want to participate. I am going to make a list of men who, although I do not want to sleep with, for one reason or another, I want to be:

1. Humphrey Bogart – this is the only one, that is listed in order.
2. Kevin McKidd – he played Lucius Vorenus in Rome.
3. Brad Pitt – Twelve Monkeys, Fight Club, Snatch Brad Pitt. Not Legends of the Falls and whatever else he did around this time Brad Pitt.
4. Daniel Craig – Mama P got this one right. I love his Bond.
5. Daniel Day Lewis – My favorite role was Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York.
6. John Malkovich – Either the actor or the character that he played in Dangerous Liaisons.He also nailed Athos in The Man in the Iron Mask.
7. Hung
8. Bruce Willis in the Moonlighting days. Without this guy, I wouldn’t have survived the eighties.
9. George St. Pierre – If you don’t watch MMA, you won’t know who he is, but Chillbear has your back: http://www.sherdog.com/fighter/Georges-St-Pierre-3500
10. Mark Wahlberg – I’m not really sure he belongs on this list, but it’s late and I loved Boogie Nights. The rest of my list is non-negotiable, but if you push me tomorrow, I may replace this one.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/uncivily-obedient-2-2/ uncivilly obedient

@ChillbearLatrigue:
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

@UO: I was kind of laying out a reason why I was making this list. However, I guess the way I wrote it did sound a touch homophobic. The statement, “I am very heterosexual” was unnecessary. You guys also probably could have guessed that I’m not going to sleep with any of them without me throwing in that line. Please, read my lead-in statement as: “Here’s a bunch of dudes who I like:”
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/uncivily-obedient-2-2/ uncivilly obedient

@ChillbearLatrigue: It was all in good fun. I wasn’t criticizing what you wrote but rather trying to save you time in the future.

Okay, goddamn it. I am very heterosexual, but I want to participate. I am going to make a list of men who, although I do not want to sleep with, for one reason or another, I want to be = No homo.

Much quicker.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

@Chill: Fuck. I totally forgot about Daniel Craig, Mark Wahlberg and John Malkovich. They totally belong on my list. Dammit.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

@UO: That’s the way I took it. My statement is for lurkers and noobs who don’t know me so well. The video was funny.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

Can I get in on this action?

1. Mark Ruffalo
2. LL Cool J
3. Roger Daltrey
4. Daniel Craig
5. Ryan Reynolds
6. John Turturro
7. John Goodman (shut up)
8. Stephen Colbert
9. Andy Samburg
10. A certain Wordsmoker man
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/banjo-seakitten/ Banjo-SeaKitten

@WS Men, I love you for being secure enough in your respective manlinesses to do this. CB: yes, on Bogart.

Here’s a limb: Does anyone but me like Christian Bale? (sans insanity of course).
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

I’m sorry, La Penguina, but your selection of John Goodman has gotten you banned from this site. You should be receiving the official e-mail from Virus shortly.

Also, re: 10–come on. I’m pretty sure you’ve already taken all the mystery out of this with !
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

Hmm, it appears my linking abilities are non-existent, but obviously that was meant for http://wordsmoker.com/2009/10/08/winning-a-smokie-part-2/ and I am an idiot.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

@BSK: It’s a little hard to separate the insanity from the insane.

Also, just thought of another man I found absolutely adorable–Kyle Howard. However, he is banned from my list for dating Lauren Conrad.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@Banjo: I agree; the WS men are pretty amazing and super-cool. I love Christian Bale, with or without insanity.

@DahlE: But, why? What’s wrong with John Goodman? He’s an incredible actor with a wonderful range – Barton Fink? I tell you right here, right now, that I would rather spend a weekend with John Goodman at a swank hotel going out to dinner (yes, I’ll have dessert!), watching movies or plays (I sound like a tourist, don’t I?) and making fun, sweaty love. You heard me. I would “do” John Goodman because he is smart, funny, and cute.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

Wait. I meant to say I’d rather do all that with John Goodman than Brad Pitt. I swear. Also, I forgot that I wanted Sean Connery on my list – young or old.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/theda-bara/ Theda Bara

OK. I read all the comments and seem to have missed these people:

1. Alexander Skarsgard
2. Alexander Skarsgard
3. Hal Sparks
4. Alexander Skarsgard

That’s all I got.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/baroness/ Baroness

Gerard Butler I sort of like looking at in pictures, don’t think I’ve ever seen his films though.

Guy Madison was a 1940′s wooden actor who, like Randolph Scott, also ended up doing mostly Westerns. Gore Vidal lusted after him back in the day too. It’s a Libra thing.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/spiderbaby/ SpiderBaby

@Banjo: I adore Christian Bale! Alarmingly, this lust for him began after I saw him in American Psycho.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/renesance/ Rene Sance

I’d switch teams, albeit briefly, for Morrissey.

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