Wordsmoker

1.  As a child, I used to sneak sips of a children’s cold medicine that tasted like grape soda because my parent’s did not allow soda in the house, except for very special occasions.

2.  I dropped out of college to move to Colorado and pursue my snowboarding dreams.  I loved it there, and so far, it was the best period of my life (aside from how my time there ended).  I left Colorado because my boyfriend was in a horrible snowboarding accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down.  He broke up with me about 2 months after the accident, and I didn’t feel like I could stay there without him in my life (he had decided to move to Utah and go to school and did not want me to come with him–even though I begged to come).  I regret not staying in Colorado.

3.  The thing I like about myself most is my ability/willingness to help other’s–even when I am in some sort of distress of my own.  I hate to see or hear about anyone suffering, and will always do whatever is in my power to help someone out.

4.  My older brother (who is 7 years older than me) had me convinced that Dan Rather was my real father for many years.  Of course he told me not to tell mom and dad that he had told me or they would get very mad at me because, “it’s a family secret.”  Yeah, he also tricked me into eating dog food and stuff like that, but he was 7 years older than me and very smart, and knew how to get into my head and trick me into believing things.

5.  I rode horses competitively from age 12-18.  Mostly I competed in show jumping.  I dreamed of becoming an Olympic rider someday.  To this day it is hard for me to look at horses without getting teary eyed.  For some reason, I feel that they show their souls more than many animals do.

6.  I lived in Boston on and off for the better part of my early/mid 20′s.  I loved it there, but had many difficult times there as well–mostly due to my budding drug addiction, and the fact that I spent most of my money and time on cocaine or pills.  But I still hope to move back there someday when I am ready.

7.   My dream is to live in NYC.  I am not sure if I will ever be able to afford it, but I hope that one day I will.   Even though I am a Vermont Country gal at heart, I love city life because the faster pace of life keeps me from getting too wrapped up in my thoughts.  At least that has been my experience thus far.

8.  My cat, Sammy is the current love of my life.  The little guy has a grip on my heart that will never go away.

9.  It has taken me a long time to realize that nothing happens overnight, and that if I try to rush something, I will likely fail.

10.  I am happiest when I am curled up in my bed with Sammy.

11.  For some reason, it is more difficult for me to see an animal in pain than a human.  I don’t know why this is, but I do know that as a child, I would rescue mice from our cats mouth and nurse them back to health before letting them into the wild, so my empathy for animals of any kind obviously started at a very early age.

12.  I spend WAY too my time painting my nails.

13.  I am currently a smoker.  I smoke Parliament Light 100′s, but I only smoke 1/2 at a time–I got hooked on them in Boston cause I could put a little coke in the recessed tip and smoke one without anyone knowing.  Now I smoke them sans cocaine on our front porch.

14.  I get really annoyed when I am in line behind someone who is writing a check.  Patience is not one of my virtues.

15.  I couldn’t sleep over at a friend’s house until I was 17.  I could just never fall asleep, and I would get really bad anxiety.  So, I always made up and excuse that I was sick and my mom would come pick me up.  I think she knew that I was not actually sick, but she played along with it to make me feel better.

16.  I wish I could take my own advice better.

17.  If I could change one thing about myself, physically, it would be my smile–I have nice teeth, but my lips are relatively thin, and I wish I had one of those “Hollywood golden smiles” rather than a somewhat “gummy” smile.  I very self-conscious about my smile.  I know a lot of people who think that I am nutso when it comes to this, but that’s the way I feel about my smile.  I am sure that one day, I will accept my smile as it is, and go around smiling like the happy people that I currently mock in my mind.

18.  Once I can learn how to NOT let my emotions control my actions, I will know that I have reached a huge milestone in my recovery from depression, anxiety, and addiction.

19.  I lived in a homeless shelter for people with psychiatric illnesses for a year.  It was not that my parents couldn’t afford to help me pay rent, or let me stay with them, it was that they felt that I was unsafe to myself, and they could not keep me safe at their house, and the place I lived at had someone on duty 24/7 to keep an eye on the people who lived there, and who were also there in the case that I needed someone to talk to at any time.  Turns out my parents were right.  I was living there when I tried to take my life (see my post titled: This Is A Heavy Note).  I have been living with them since that day just over 2 years ago.

20.  Even though I complain a lot about the trials of my life, both current and past, I am so incredibly grateful for my life, and for the people in it.  Without them, I would not be here typing this.  This includes my treatment team of Dr’s who take care of all my aliments and illnesses, from my depression to my addiction to my gigantic pimple that may have to be drained tomorrow (you’re welcome .  Sometimes it is difficult to step out of the sadness and anxiety and see all the amazing things that I have done, and that have happened to me, and all the wonderful things and people in my life; from my favorite hoodie to my amazing parents and loved ones.