The Smokies – I’mma Let you Finish Edition
September 27, 2009 in The Smokie Awards
It’s that time when we honor those who have made significant improvements to the world at large with their wit, insight, and compassion. But this is also when we’re supposed to announce the Smokies, so let’s get that out of the way first, shall we?
Speaking of time, you’ve probably noticed that for highly technical reasons that you couldn’t possibly understand even if you read my new book, Smokies for Dummies, the awards are not published at precisely the same time each week. But rest assured that your valuable contributions, though housed “on a server the size of housefly teardrops,” are more precious to us than all the cubic zirconia on Long Island.
ChillBearLatrigue and I have a precise, patented algorithm worked out to ensure that not a single utterance on this website is ever overlooked for consideration. Our timing, based on the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado, puts relay racers and synchronized swimmers to shame. It’s a beautiful thing to watch, really. But you can’t watch, because you’re not cleared at that level. Nobody is. Not even CBL or myself. So we can’t even discuss it between ourselves for fear of violating some obscure provision of the Patriot Act, which he is sworn to uphold.
The following Smokies are presented for wonderfulness through Saturday at 23:59:59.000 EDT:
Mister Hippity / Smokies: The Rookie Edition
Yo, Smokie winners, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but The Emmies on right now are the greatest awards of all time!
(Nice, Hip. Now may I request that this meme be allowed to go wherever it is that memes go to die? But before it does, let’s take a couple more swipes at Kenye.)
Strawberry Shortcake / Monday Morning Maya Salvia Divinorum
I have heard that if you say Kenye West three times while public speaking he will appear and if you look past his shutter shades you will die! I am going to try this at my sister’s wedding.
- and -
It is also important to note that Kanyes have no natural enemies but due to migration patterns into Nashville and Pearl Jammia they have had to become more and more outwardly aggressive as they try to takeover new hunting grounds. There is pretty serious concern that releasing Kanyes into a new ecosystem will destroy it. Studies are currently being done to see if these patterns of the Kanyes are affected be global warming.
Vox Populi / Romance Is Alive And Well In New York
As offputting as the dying cancer wife situation might be, I think the real dealbreaker might be the Dave Matthews Band. Lord, I despise them. I always thought “Crash” was the creepiest song not performed by John Mayer.
Josie Groper / Romance Is Alive And Well In New York
I like men with testicles…
Wow, is that all I got out of that one?
(There’s some genuine Zen simplicity going on here, I’m sure.)
Cockatoodleloo / All In The Family
One of the best things about waiting for the Jesus train to arrive at the station is that there is no concern for the consequences of actions committed here on earth. And one of the best things about not believing in Jesus and behaving as hedonistic cultivators in the amoral fuckgarden of liberalism is that there is no concern for the consequences of actions committed here on earth.
Why be so divisive when we have stuff in common?
saythatscool / We Have To Blame Somebody For All Of This
For the most part, Albanians remain unaware of the falcon as Albania’s annual GDP has never been anywhere near the price of a market rate falcon… You’re probably asking “if these Albanians like bird-fuckin so much, how could they possibly procreate?” For years, biologists theorized that Albanians reproduced asexually like protozoa or Gabe Snyder’s wife but the reality was far sadder as it always is for the sub specie Albani…
(Just don’t get him started on the Turks. STC is currently on probation and will not be allowed to come up to the podium to receive his award with the other honorees.)
Several of you rose to the challenge in Wordsmoker Anthropology: Your Epitaph
Ask Not For Whom
Here lies BookishLookish
Polished your terms
Now food for worms
(BL’s is quite possibly my favorite. I hear this when I go to sleep. But I’m starting a new medication tomorrow. )
Here lies one Samurai Panda Poetry
Rules for his epitaph: It can be 101 words or less; there’s no limit on the amount of epitaphs you can submit…
Here Lies Margaret Thatcher
Form An Orderly Line For Urinating
(Yeah, that’s right. I gave an award to the boss. It’s merely an urban myth that I can’t, like the ones about not swimming right after eating, or not marrying your first cousin whom you’ve lusted after since you were 9.)
Devoted Wife, Mother, Cocksucker.
[etching of Mr. P's penis here]
(MamaP is hereby awarded both a Smokie and a Pokie for this.)
You call that dancing
And now, on to the Pokies!
Mama Penguino / Book Club Reminder Infinite Jest
…I’m reading a book that’s due at the library and it’s about this vampire-killer who has a huge penis and he’s just deflowered his beautiful lifemate and they’re getting ready to enter the ice cave to find her father who has been possibly murdered by her grandfather, who used to feed on her blood when she was a child, but her two aunts repressed her memories and they’re dragons and trapped in the ice and well, anyway, I want to read this book and would love to postpone until Nov. 3, please.
(Before the Turkish dust-up, I was going to enjoin MamaP from participating in the awards ceremony due to this rather juvenile comment. But the weekend’s commenting events have given me a fresh perspective on good and evil, and MamaP was let off with a scolding and a short time-out.)
There was a lot of sparkling repartee mixed in with the death threats in 20 Things About Me – Tigolbitties. Pokies go out to:
@kneetoe @Mama P: Sigh.
This is a respectable dance hall and if you want to indulge in hanky-panky, you two, do it on your own time. I hired you as a taxi dancer, not a burlesque comedienne, Mama P. Back out on the floor, please.
If the gentleman would like a drink on the house, step this way, please.
BookishLookish & Tigolbitties for this exchange (also nominated by ChillBear):
BL: @Tig: I blame YOU! Causing havoc wherever you go, just like that time we walked into the Young Republicans Club in heels and sporting cleavage and two grown men fell off their barstools as they offered to buy us champagne, and all was going well, not even hardly any drooling, but then we drank too much and I was laughing and I turned quickly and knocked a champagne glass off the bar with my right one and it shattered, and you bent over to pick it up and your blouse popped open and your left one fell out and ten grown men fainted and they had to call the paramedics and five men gave up Jesus and became Democrats and said they would do anything, even canvass for Charles B. Rangel, if they could just get closer, closer, closer…
Tig: @BL: two things – 1. you forgot to mention your miniskirt/no panties combo, and how on the barstool you kept flashing everyone, and that was the impetus for the five who gave up jesus.
2. i’m glad you remembered my left one is bigger than the right (true!)
also, i got an email from the young repubs and apparently we aren’t welcome back anymore.
BL: @Tig: Sometimes the fleeting sight of the mons hebraique will cause a spontaneous conversion, sometimes a riot, you can never be sure. But damn, I can’t believe we are not welcome back. They promised to make you king, I believe.
(Extra credit to Tigolbitties for winning a Pokie whilst commenting on her own post.)
saythatscool, kneetoe, and banjo-seakitten for:
stc: Now Leila Ali just told me that I have” a great smile.” I think that I may have received that compliment because I am the only guy at the bar who has all his teeth. I am also the only guy at the bar who is not currently wearing an ankle bracelet from the Department of Corrections so…
kt: @stc: Congrats on figuring out how to get that ankle bracelet off.
stc: @kt: The trick is to use a magnet. Plus, parolees note that they don’t watch you that closely if you have only run afoul of the Mann Act.
b-sk: @STC: pumpkin, you have all your teeth? Purr.
According to Article 4, para 3 of the Wordsmoker by-laws, which I just wrote, the Mechanical Larynx is awarded for excellence in graphical communication. Pictures and videos taken from the web are eligible, but preference will be given to original commenter work. This week’s first Mechanical Larynx goes to notwavingbutdrowning for the entirety of her Blingee and Photoshop creations in Exclusive: Where In The World Is Daisy Simpson? But especially the Serena Williams and Roadrunner ones. Oh yeah, and the one where Daisy’s being taken off by the FBI. Take your pick, really – she consistently outdid herself.
A second Mechanical Larynx goes to Strawberry Shortcake for her contributions to Green Screen Challenge: Willie Nelson Edition but particularly her “True Love Waits” Jonas Brothers blingee, nominated by KoraInHell.
Two posts are being awarded the Iron Lung this week. We’ve been enjoying the tenderness and grit of Theda Bara‘s Cops and Daughters series for some time now. In the latest installment, Vol. 5, she took a step further and fleshed out the characters in a way that really connected with the reader. Congratulations, Theda!
Our second Iron Lung winner brought some real excitement to Wordsmoker this week. 20 Things About Me – Tigolbitties incited passion and lust, raised issues of Orientalism and hegemony, reawakened historical animosities that I, for one, could have survived the weekend without hearing about, and, best of all, elicited over 200 comments, many from the author herself. Good show, Tigolbitties! I hope we see more of you.
Till next time, remember to send your award nominations to either me – renesance1 (at) gmail (dot) com – or ChillBear – clatrigue (at) live (dot) com.