Wordsmoker

The G-20 economic summit is taking place in Pittsburgh.

Sarcastro lives there.

He hears things.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #1: The People’s Front of the Populace, a splinter group of the Populace’s Front of the People, has set fire to a Washington Monument replica crafted of cocktail napkins as a response to rising butterbean prices in Wayne County, South Dakota.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #2: Hu Jintao did not wash his hands upon leaving the men’s room at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center. The Brazil delegation is busy crafting a response, which may include a ban on the exportation of moist towelettes to most of Asia.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #3 Mexico’s undersecretary for breakfast foods pronounces Pamela’s unique, crepe-like pancake, “better than passable, but not worth standing in line for.” The eatery’s co-owner, Pamela Cohen, swiftly socked him in the junk. She was immediately pardoned by President Obama.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #4: Russian President Dmitry Medvedev questioned the Steelers abandonment of the running game and used a Terrible Towel to sop up spilled vodka and caviar.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #5: Gordon Brown smells of haggis.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #6: Fourteen members of the EU delegation are compulsive masturbators.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #7: A vanload of self-styled anarchists failed to arrive for a planned protest against the tyranny of regular bathing after a fistfight over who would ride shotgun further devolved into bickering about who looked most hardcore. Subsequently, the anarchists agreed set their van on fire.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #8: Silvio Berlusconi was overheard saying that while he’s impressed by Pittsburgh’s bridges he can’t help feeling that the Ponte di Rialto is a bit nicer than all of them. He then had intercourse with a 17-year-old.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #9: Angela Merkel is a generous and daring lover.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #10: Those protesting Burmese monks bought their saffron robes at Wall-Mart.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #11: Japanese prime minister Yukio Hatoyama has reversed his decision to throw out the first pitch at Friday’s Pittsburgh Pirates baseball game. He is subjected to no criticism whatsoever.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #12: Carla Bruni has given up on trying to pronounce “Monongahela” correctly.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #13: Activist-pranksters The Yes Men, staying too true thier name, accidentally agree to leave the city.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #14: Nicholas Sarkozy arrested for spray-paining “Ft. Duquense 4 evah, muthafuckas!” on the Ft. Pitt blockhouse.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #15: Prime Minister of India Manmohan Singh finds the Yinzer accent charming.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #16: It’s really only the G-19 as they forgot to invite Canada.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #17: When Edith Bell — the 85-year-old co-founder of G-20 protesters the Raging Grannies — was asked what bothered her most about the summit. She responded, “Depends.”

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #18: Anarchist reports mugging to police.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #19: Local man’s brick-and-map-to-area-Starbucks concession doing brisk business.

UNFOUNDED G-20 RUMOR #20: Collectively, the G-20 economies comprise 85% of global gross national product, 80% of world trade (including EU intra-trade) and two-thirds of the world population. They care deeply about your complaints.