Wordsmoker

Before we get down to the business of the awards, there is one matter that must be discussed. As you know, Rene Sance has selflessly volunteered to shoulder the burden of approximately 50% of the Smokies for us. Although new, he did an extraordinary job last week. However, one minor issue arose that demands attention. Virus, our employer, said: “@Rene: I think you should nominate yourself for a Smokie for that one. Made me snort like a little piggie, that did.” That “suggestion” was ignored.

How do you think that ignoring a porcine Virus makes him feel, Sance? With this in mind, our first Smokie is being awarded from the previous week:

ReneSance/BBC Newsreader Kept Hidden For Two Decades And Forced To Bear Children:

“I like how there’s Google ad for a web site called “Child Sex Slaves” on this page. I clicked through, but it turns out they’re against it.”

(And may God have mercy on your soul, Rene. How are you and I ever going to get into this Slut Army if we can’t even follow vague orders?)

I’m sorry that you all had to witness that dressing down. Rene just doesn’t have my six weeks of experience. Now without further ado, I will try to make my presentation half as good as the newcomer’s who I just admonished. I present the Smokies:

GerbilsInLove/Deleting Julia Allison From My Facebook Friends Suggestions:

“I prefer to think of her spending her time trying to suck Tucker Max’s cockring off. Oh, sorry, I forgot – that’s Gawker’s job.”

(So many of the right people were eviscerated with this single-comment smack-down that I had to give it a Smokie)

TillTheClockSpeaksUp/Deleting Julia Allison From My Facebook Friends Suggestions:

“VIRUS I CHECKED MY FACEBOOK FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS LAST WEEK AND I HAD A FRIEND REQUEST FROM YOU?!?!?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??! I AM A TEENAGER IN CALIFORNIA!! I NEVER CHECK MY FACEBOOK AND MY FRIENDS ARE JUST FAMILY AND PEOPLE FROM HIGHSCHOOL. IT FREAKED MY TRIP, I TELL YOU.!! HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?!?!”

(This one made us all uncomfortable…from laughing. Then it just made us uncomfortable because we could envision having to raise money for Virus’ legal defense.)

Rosa Luxembourgeoise/The Summer Civility Died:

“You better be right! I swear to God! YOU LIE! I’LL STUFF THIS FUCKING POST DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT, I SWEAR TO GOD! Hitler and Stalin, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, and then comes marriage, and then comes Obama WITH DEATH PANELS TO KILL TRIGG AND YOUR PARENTS. I swear to God! You better be right!

Do the math, sheeple! The square root of minus one is the imaginary axis on which Muslin black liberationist Communists intersect with centrist Democrats, in GLENN BECK’S HEAD!”

(I’m not exactly sure what is wrong with Rosa, but the latter part of this post was such an impressive regurgitation of the bulk e-mail that I received from the Republican Party that I felt like it merited an award.)

SamuraiPandaPoetry/Always Remember To Say Please And Thank You:

“Either find a sitter or don’t come to the movie/restaurant/wine tasting/metal concert/my house/nudist beach/strip club/whatever aisle i’m in at the grocery store/an Eastwood family reunion/etc. etc. etc.”

(If Panda can’t enjoy his rock and roll lifestyle, the least that we can do is to give him a few Smokies. Here’s one to get him started.)

CajunBoy/What The Fuck Is This?:

“I’m thinking he just read something on Gawker including the terms ‘you go girl’ or ‘this great nation’s killing fields.’”

(Did anyone honestly think that the CajunBoy wasn’t going to win a Smokie the first chance that we had. Besides, slamming Gawker is almost an automatic win. There was a lot of genius on the Sly Stallone post. Nearly any entry could have earned a Smokie).

LawyerGay/An Open Letter To The Fat Police At MSNBC:

“My friends and I always joke that if we ‘listened to our bodies’ like the health gurus and personal trainers always seem to tell you to, then we would spend our days drinking whiskey, eating Krispy Kremes, and masturbating.”

(Although I believe that I would have to make a few adjustments as to pornographic content and I may need to add an occasional steak to the diet, LG pretty much summed up Nirvana for me.)

Esther Lustig/An Open Letter To The Fat Police At MSNBC:

“There was a thin person inside me dying to get out. His name was Tony and he was a Merchant Marine. I gave him a bogus phone number. Let it be known that I am relatively happy and very much in touch with my emotions. In fact, I’m so in touch, I take them to the Neverland Ranch and show them ‘the happy shed.’”

(If it wasn’t for this post, all that we would have is Geraldo Rivera to keep the Michael Jackson legacy going. Somehow that would be bad.)

SayThatsCool/And On The Seventh Day God Created Wingnuts:

“Everyone knows that Steven Spielberg created dinosaurs with George Lucas. Next thing you know, Jar Jar Binx is going to be teaching science classes. And I don’t need no gay “naturalist” telling me where my delicious meats came from. So fuck off sciencistas or whatever it is you call yourselves.”

(I loathe…loathe Jar Jar Binx, but he is one hell of a scientist. In any event, who doesn’t love delicious meats?)

KneeToe/A Village Cannot Reorganize Village Life To Suit The Village Idiot:

“That’s a partial response to article one (a)(1)(4) of your post, but I’ve run out of wine and energy to pursue the rest right now. Look forward to future opportunities to discuss these matters.”

(I’m not entirely sure that I guessed the meaning of this post, but I think KneeToe was trying to subtly imply that my response was long winded. Most of you would write something like “Shut the fuck up, you long winded douchebag.” However, you didn’t or you would be winning the Smokie.)

ShortsShortsShorts/Milk Condensed Part 1: When Teats Attack:

“It’s safe to say that Nestle is the most evil company in the land. Don’t blame the Germans, people. Nestle used awful propaganda for years and years to make sure your teets went untouched by any baby’s lips. THEREAFTER, side effects of using Nestle’s terrible fake-milk started entering the tummy’s of our little loved ones, resulting in nutritional deficiencies and other problems. They are fuckers.”

(I was just glad to see Halliburton and Wal-Mart get off the hook for a change. Yeah, fuck Nestle!)

Now, what’s say we have a few…

Pokies!:

BookishLookish/ The Smokies – Late Night XTube Edition:

“Rene, the Rothschild-backed, CIA-supported New World Order is the name of the bra I am wearing right now, how did you know?

(I used to be able to undo the RBCSNWO with one hand back in college. Now I can just will it off with no hands.)

Tigolbitties/The Glee Season Premier Party, Or Why It’s Expensive To Be Gay:

“funnily all of my tawdry pictures on FB are usually captioned with various religion references. someone dry humping me = letting the holy spirit move, a picture of friends taking shots = communion, making out with some guy = evening service, general debauchery = bible study, and so on… so i got your small group reference!”

(Tigol is making religion sexy again and she received a nomination from Bookish.)

BJonston/MonkeyRash/StrawberryShortcake/D’Lickious? I Don’t Think So:

BJon: “Whenever a woman masturbates, an angel gets its wings.”

Monk: “I am personally responsible for half of all angel wings.”

Straw: “oh so that’s what “touched by an angel” was about. I always wondered why it was such a hit with unfilled housewives.”

(An amazing threesome combining for some hot conversation. Yeah, I pretty much hate you now because of this, BJon.)

BookishLookish/We Are All Hitler Now:

“Meet me in Greenpoint, I’ll be dressed as a Polish bar maid, dancing the mazurka and holding a large beer, come and get it, big boy.”

(This conjured up images of the St. Pauli’s Girl poster that graced my dorm room. Then later my apartment. Then the house that I bought with my wife. Then, of course, my divorce-transition apartment.)

NefariousNewt/D’Lickious? I Don’t Think So:

“Whatever happened to fantasization, followed by masturbation? Have we become so lazy we all need battery-powered toys now? And gels, and potions, and rubber clothes? I can be as kinky as needs be to spice up the bedroom, but it seems like we’re losing our ability to work with what god gave us.”

(Amen, Newt. I’ve been going it dry ever since. Chafing be damned.)

MonkeyRash/MamaPenguino/D’Lickious? I Don’t Think So:

Monk: “MP: Remember? I just spent an insane amount of cash on toys.”

MamaPeguino: “Yes, I do remember we briefly discussed it on FB.”

Minou: “I’ll sit next to you then.”

(Heavily edited, but this does turn out to be a pretty hot conversation this way, doesn’t it?)

The Mechanical Larynx!

After conferring with my associate, Rene Sance, we both agree that the criteria for the Mechanical Larynx are not specific and can be loosely interpreted. Even if you disagree that they are, this is the way it’s going to go this time around. For this week’s Mechanical Larynx, we have:

LawyerGay/A Village Cannot Reorganize Village Life To Suit The Village Idiot

“Then ask yourself whether we really have anything even remotely close to a “liberal media” in this country, and why you’re almost certainly seeing an argument like this for the first time on an obscure blog.”

(Well, you’ve always wanted to be recognized for your non-gay work. However, quit calling Wordsmoker an obscure blog, please!)

The Iron Lung!

I am trying to use the split Iron Lung award sparingly. I don’t want to water down the importance of this honor. Having said that, I have an Honorable Mention this week.

ShortsShortsShorts authored this mind-blowing trifecta:

Gays v. Everyone (What Is Wrong With Us?)/And On The Seventh Day – God Created Wingnuts/Modern Intellectuals

(While I agree with almost nothing that S to the power of 3 – or 6 depending on how you read it because of the plurals – has to say, he or she has come out of nowhere with three blockbuster pieces.)

Although we have a single Iron Lung award this week, it was apparently authored by a pair of sisters. This posted under the Monkeyrash brand, but credit was shared equally:

Monkeyrash/Harrietspys/Travelogue: Harriet And Monkey Leave The Midwest For South Carolina Sunshine:

“South Carolina offers many fine dining experiences. Over the course of 4-5 days, Harriet and Monkey manage to avoid most of them.”

(It was my personal favorite line. I’ve had that unfortunate experience in most of the places that I’ve been. It was a good line, but there were many. Hopefully this IL pulls more greatness from these two. Congratulations, lovely ladies.)

That’s it for this week. Sance is up in seven. Rene, forget about all of that rookie talk. It was either that or try to auction off VwS’s old toaster for a theme. For the love of God, people, send us some recommendations.