Wordsmoker

1. When David Bowie was writing the lyrics for the song “All The Young Dudes” for Mott the Hoople, I was the one who suggested the word “dudes” instead of “chums.”

I also came up with the word “Hoople.”

2. It was originally Siegfried, Roy and Chillbear, but a certain blonde primadona didn’t like the idea of mixing sea turtles with large exotic cats and you know how Germans stick together. I guess I won in the end. I don’t remember ever hearing of anyone being mauled by a sea turtle.

3. I was under consideration for the nomination to be John McCain’s running mate. However, when approached, I was advised that Governor Palin was also under consideration. The Senator asked me  as a friend what he should do. I remember my exact words to him: “John, you’d be a fool to pass up a seasoned politician like Sarah. Besides, I would probably just say something stupid and screw it up. Mavericks forever!” Then we high-fived the way that only really cool Republicans can do.

4. I was once rooming with Tom Anderson (MySpace), Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook), and Jack Dorsey (Twitter. Not the old fighter. That’s Jack Dempsey) when we were all poor. To pass the time, I would inspire their various computer projects which later turned into their social networking sites. Even though I was instrumental in helping each of them build their internet empires, none of them have ever given me a dime. Apparently they thought I was a douche-bag because I was the only one who ever got laid.

5. I have had sex with every women on Wordsmoker except for one. If you ask any one of them, chances are that she will swear that she is the exception.

6. I still know where you can order a McDLT. Some places still know how to keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool.

7. I sometimes set up my own “To Catch a Predator” styled pedophile stings like on the TV show. However, when I “bust” the guy, I usually end up asking him if he just wants to get a beer and wings or something because I don’t have many friends. Sometimes they’re so relieved that they actually take me up on it.

8. I’m aroused by the sight of a woman’s coffee mug. If it has some cute saying on it, I go wild.

9. I single handedly monitor all of the NSA’s wiretaps. When I have to get up to use the bathroom or grab a coffee, 400 agents have to sit down to spell me.

10. Guards, seize them!

11. I’ve made a huge amount of cash on that Microsoft Beta Testing e-mail. I’m glad the attorney friend of the person who sent me the bulk e-mail wasn’t wrong about it. I also have several very successful ongoing Nigerian business ventures.

12. I once ate a whole school of blowfish on a dare. Other than having the inside of my mouth chewed up on the spines, I was fine. That means the Japanese are pussies for thinking that blowfish are poisonous.

13. I could have stopped the whole sub-prime lending meltdown, but I was just too lazy to say anything about it. Hey, I guess I owe you guys one.

14. I once created a language that takes under an hour to learn and could be taught to all of the people of the world with relative ease. However, it requires another consonant and no one seems interested in changing up all of the keyboards.

15. When tasked with the job of establishing a lasting “peace” in the Middle East, I was too busy rocking out to pay much attention. Now there is a lasting “pizza” in the Middle East. Unfortunately it’s a chain of Dominos takeouts. Will those people ever catch a break?

16. I’m the guy who started the whole hurling dead fish at all of the Walmarts and Starbucks as a protest. I swear to God! That’s me!

17. Sometimes I will don a beret and head down to the student art show at our local high school and pretend like I’m an art critic discovering young new artists. You’d be surprised what you can pull off with a vaguely European accent.

18. I’m one of the naked partiers in the now famous pictures of Silvio Berlusconi and his guests at the Villa Certosa. I had a horrible sunburn that day, but Berly can really throw a fucking rager.

19. I pleaded with W et al to stay with the original language in his speech when addressing Congress:”Weapons of Minor Destruction.” However, one of the fat bald guys with glasses (take your pick) thought that the word “mass” had more impact, if a bit more deceiving. In the end, I was outvoted, but I do get to say “I told you so” when we all get together to shoot hoops.

20. I was the one who told Joe Wilson to shout, “You lie.” I told him that the President has a terrific sense of humor and that if he timed it right, it would be comedy gold. I still believe that if he had shouted it out five seconds earlier, the country would be talking about what a cut up he was.