Blog Confession Brings Closure To Angry Goat Owner
August 31, 2009 in A Birthday With Shoes
“I dinnae ken who punched my goat!” Such was the oft-repeated and long-unresolved lament of anguished Clydebank , Scotland , goat farmer Angus MacDougall.
His was a mystery that baffled local police authorities as well, ever since the winter morning in 2008 when MacDougall reported the crime. He had visited the goat’s pen that morning only to discover the animal bruised, panting and doubled over, clutching its abdomen, with the surrounding disarray indicative of a recent struggle.
As MacDougall reported to police, he asked the goat: “Did somebody punch ye?” The animal’s steady return gaze provided all the assent the farmer needed to confirm his suspicions. “Och, when I find out who, I’ll … I’ll …” But he was unable to complete the utterance, which trailed off in sputters of incoherent rage (or so MacDougall told police, in what was, in retrospect, a remarkably descriptive account of his own reactions).
The police remained stumped until a tipster pointed them to the following confessional item posted to a long-abandoned blog, apparently once created and maintained by a Glasgow-area musician named Virus W. Ithshoes:
On A Fight With A Goat During A Drug-fuelled Rage: One time, I took two paracetamol, and ten minutes later I punched a goat in the abdomen. That little goat-fuck was asking for it, though. Later, I had to take two more paracetamol for the pain in my right fist. Those little goat-fucks are surprisingly lithe and unpredictable. I should have sneaked up behind it and kicked it in the ass and ran away, but I’d been drinking heavily at the time, and I was afraid of falling over and being trampled by those little goat-fuck feet. And they can break a grown man’s neck with their little teeth.
Authorities have been unable to ascertain the current whereabouts of Mr. Ithshoes, and are not sanguine about their chances for ever doing so. Nevertheless, MacDougall is greatly mollified by the discovery of identity of the perpetrator, even if the latter is never brought to justice.
”I’m happy he hurt his hand at least,” said MacDougall. “I hope he cannae masturbate with it ever again! It’d serve him right!”
(Image via shorpy.com)