Why Miami Sucks: Part I
August 11, 2009 in Rants
Miami. The word conjures many images. Palm trees. Beaches. Fast cars. Supermodels. Bikinis. Cubans. Cuban coffee. Cubans drinking Cuban coffee while checking out the supermodels in bikinis walking on the beach or under palm trees, along streets lined with Ferraris and Lamborghinis. That’s the postcard image. And in Miami, image is everything. Unfortunately, it’s the only thing.
Most everyone who’s never been here thinks of Miami as a tropical paradise. A place where the Mojitos flow freely and the good times never end. Then there are those of us who live here. Those of use who were not born here but arrived as a result of circumstances beyond our control. Exiles who had to flee from another time and place, only to land here, a city where both the passage of time and any sense of place are but fleeting illusions.
Ok. Enough of that crap. Why does Miami suck? Why do I hate it so bad?
Let’s start with Mojitos (mispronounced “Moe-HEE-toes”). The drink itself is not to blame. It is a rather pleasant, enjoyable libation. But why did it have to turn into a fucking lifestyle? A veritable advertising campaign unto itself.
Well, the good people at Bacardi know a good marketing pitch when they see one. And where is Bacardi headquartered? Miami, of course. Everywhere you go, they’re selling fucking Moe-HEE-toes down here.
Hotels, bars, pet stores, clothing boutiques for parrots, fucking nursing homes, they all sell Moe-HEE-toes and they all have God-damned Moe-HEE-toe Menus too. Moe-HEE-toe Menus, like their ridiculous, despicable, older cousin the Martini Menu, cannot rest satisfied by simply offering the traditional item, but must insist on adding a slew of previously unimaginable and truly disgusting ingredients to an otherwise unassailable recipe. And that’s how you get a Whiskey Moe-HEE-toe. A fucking Whiskey Mojito? Really? Fuck you. If what you want is Whiskey with mint, then order a fucking Mint Julep you moron. Jesus.
Then there’s Bud Light Lime. I know it’s not made in Miami. But who do you think they’re selling that shit to? Not beer drinkers. Miamians, that’s who. Miamians and all the other Bozos who don’t have any taste but dream of getting away from their real fucking lives in cities with real fucking trees and real fucking seasons, and moving down here to this magical, shit-stain of a tropical oasis on a beach that they imagine Miami to be. And what did you think the marketing geniuses at Anheuser Busch were smoking when they thought of making a lime-flavored-beer beverage to sell those Bozos who don’t know that Miami is a violent backwater cesspool of idiocy and silicone? That’s right. They were smoking Miami Crypto and drinking a fucking Whiskey Moe-HEE-toe with a pair of Venezuelan hookers on pile of Bolivian marching powder in a South Beach strip club. Because God forbid someone should have to go all the way to the fucking store to buy a God-damned lime and have to cut it into wedges and stick one in the fucking bottle neck. That’s way too much fucking work. Especially if you’re from Miami. Because effort is not something Miamians know a lot about. Better to buy a beer with the “lime flavor” already built-in, than have to squeeze a fucking lime yourself. Fucking lazy morons.
This shit is exemplifies everything that is wrong with this city. The inability to leave good enough alone, whilst simultaneously doing such a piss-poor job with the “improvement” that anyone with half a brain can see what a stupid, lazy ass you really are. Still, everything must be faster, bigger, fancier, flashier and shinier here, in Miami. If there is one place in the country that can truly give L.A. a run for its money as the epicenter of vapid, material, bling-driven consumption, Miami is it. The difference is that in L.A., the people are nice. Or at least they act that way because they’re all unemployed actors looking for their break and you might be a producers or the friend of a producer so they might as well smile and treat you with a modicum of decency. Not in Miami because basic manners don’t exist here. In Miami they’re all just fucking assholes who think that looking good makes them better than you. Even if the tits are fake and the bank account is overdrawn, or the Ferrari is a rental (which it almost always is because, really, who the fuck can afford a $200,000 sports car?!?!?), as long as they can make you turn your head, they’re better than you. Right?
The car dealerships down here have spas, gyms and restaurants. That’s right. If you buy a Lexus and need to bring it in for a tune-up, why not spend some time at the Lexus Gym, where you can get a workout while you watch cable TV and then have a nice bite to eat afterward while you wait for them to fix up your ride. Jesus.
Then there’s Sunny Isles. This place used to be a sleepy beach town full of classic old-school motels, most of which were built between 1940 and 1960. Ten years ago you could drive down A1A and all you would see for over a mile along a gorgeous stretch of beach was motel after beautiful motel. Classic, two-story beachfront motels with different themes, such as the Suez, the Bali, the Driftwood, the Dunes, the Tangiers. These places should have been historical landmarks.
But then, about ten or twelve years ago, a group of land developers and investors, including a quartet who called themselves “the Visionaries”—I shit you not, that’s what they called themselves— greased some palms and spearheaded the demolition of all but two or three of these little gems in order to replace them with a series of monolithic and indescribably grotesque condominiums. Now when you drive along the same stretch of A1A you can’t even see the ocean. No motels. Only tower after tower of condominiums. Massive, horrible, condos.
And the best part is that these condos, most of which are half-empty thanks the real estate implosion down here, are so fucking big that by noon, you can’t even get a fucking tan on Sunny Isles Beach because the fucking condos block out the fucking sun. That’s right. You can’t even go to the beach because the sun is blocked by a mile of fucking condos. Awesome. Good thinking there, Visionaries. Sounds like just the place I want to live. Did I mention that the few apartments they did manage to sell in Sunny Isles are occupied by fat Russian mobsters and/or their drop-dead gorgeous Russian model girlfriends? That’s right. A real swell neighborhood it’s become. Twelve years ago the whole town was a historical treasure trove. Now it’s a monumental clusterfuck of overpriced, unoccupied, condominiums.
Indeed “good thinking” might as well be the local fucking motto. Because the people you meet down here have got to be the stupidest, laziest most intellectually stunted collection of asshats ever to populate a major American city. People down here aren’t scared of big words because they’ve never even heard of them. Reading is what other people do. But not Miamians. Books take effort. And, as I mentioned before, effort is just not something they do here.
There are neighborhoods, indeed an entire demographic who neither speak English OR Spanish well enough to say that one of the two languages is their native tongue. When I meet these people and I speak to them in Spanish (my native language) they look at me like I’m from mars because I don’t look Colombian (or Cuban or Dominican) so I can’t be speaking Spanish. So they try to answer me in English, but as anyone who’s been here knows, English is not so much a second language as much as it is a means of avoiding any meaningful communication with someone you don’t feel like talking to.
To get an idea of just how stupid and lazy the people in Miami are think about this: there are actually successful tanning salons in this city. That’s right. The city with some of the nicest beaches in the country, the fucking Sunshine State for fuck’s sake, is populated by people who would rather pay money to lie on a carcinogenic tanning bed, than go out in the sun because they are too stupid or lazy to get a tan at the beach, where the sun is still free. Unless you live Sunny Isles, I guess.
Ok. I need to relax and catch my breath. More later.
This is the first in what I hope will be a series of rants examining the myriad reasons why Miami sucks.
DahlELama said on August 11, 2009
Yes! Yes! More rants, please!
Theda Bara said on August 11, 2009
Oh, man. Miami. I hate Miami.
I’ve actually never been to the “pretty” or affluent parts of Miami. All I remember is that, when you drive through, follow the sun on the signs. And when you see a neighborhood surrounded by barbed wire, isn’t isn’t always a jail–at least not by literal definition. I’ve driven through Miami many, many times before, mostly on my way to the Keys.
I stop in Lauderdale, where I have friends, and just forget that Miami is actually nearby.
saythatscool said on August 11, 2009
I really enjoyed this. Thank you.
Mama Penguino said on August 11, 2009
I fucking love the way you talk and punctuate!!!!!
seadebris said on August 11, 2009
Nice rant! Whiskey Mojitos? That’s just sad.
PeggyLeeWannaBe said on August 11, 2009
Whoa, very descriptive. Makes you almost want to swim to Cuba
Nina Hagen said on August 11, 2009
Yes – the Sunny Isles thing is so sad. First vacation with Mr. Hagen – The Sea Breeze.
Wrapitup said on August 11, 2009
Fucking epic! This is beautiful. Moar! Moar!
Blix said on August 11, 2009
That was beautiful and I’m a third generation Floridian. It’s like you’ve gone native. The prevailing sensibilities you mention spread like a cancer but there is a cure. Unfortunately it’s mojitos.
DahlELama said on August 11, 2009
By the way, for those of us who do pronounce it Moe-HEE-toes, what’s the best way to say it so as not to sound like a jackass? My Miami knowledge is pretty limited to Passover and Spring Break.
helene said on August 11, 2009
good god, why are you stuck there again? There must be an escape route!
sfbirdie said on August 11, 2009
Mojitos are the worst drink ever. Rum and a shitload of sugar? Yeah, that’s a terrible hangover waiting to happen.
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
@Dahl: Moh-he-tos. The “moh” and “tos” syllables are pronounced as curtly and as dryly as possible. They are a short ‘o’ sound, not the long ‘os’ of toes, shows or boughs. I can’t think of a similar equivalent in English but if I do I will let you know.
@Blix: I agree, Mojitos are quite nice although SFBirdie is right about the hangover threat. Unfortunately my liver can’t handle the truth.
@Wrap, Mama P: Thanks, you guys. I am honored, as always, by your kind praise.
@Everyone: I echo the sentiments of our dear Dahlelama when I say, I love all you guys! For realz!
Mama Penguino said on August 11, 2009
@BJ: I’m actually practicing — aloud — how to say mojitos and then I realize I don’t drink. No, not AA, but Alateen, Alanon, ACOA. You know the story. This also provides perspective into that utterly annoying jackass in the office who came back from Florida a few years ago talking about his trip and emphasizing his new favorite drink, moe – hee – toes. Gag me with a mint leaf.
Chillbear Latrigue said on August 11, 2009
Sorry, the poster did not want to allow embedding, but this is relevent:
Strawberry Shortcake said on August 11, 2009
fuck mojitos and the assholes that order them to be cool even though they don’t like rum and they know it takes forever to muddle those damn mint leaves!
also fuck mint juleps! keep your damn rabbit food out of my whiskey!
Chillbear Latrigue said on August 11, 2009
And apparently Wordsmoker is in on this little conspiracy:
MissPeacock said on August 11, 2009
I somehow found myself watching an episode of Miami Social on Bravo, and your rant here pretty much encapsulates what I thought about the entire show.
CaptainFantastic said on August 11, 2009
Nice rant. I didn’t think you could keep up the intensity ’till the end, but you did.
Never been to Miami, but the old hotels bit reminded me of the old two-story hotel we used to stay at every three years in St. Pete Beach. The Alden: white stucco, shuffleboard, and seagulls. I wonder if it’s still there?
BookishLookish said on August 11, 2009
@BJ: I love you when you get your rage on, chuleta de mi corazon. You are so funny then, rey de mi cajeta. Don’t ever change, tarta de carne especial de mi vida.*
*special meat pie of my life. Yes, that is how strong this love is, people. Don’t question it, just stand back in awe.
Blix said on August 11, 2009
@CF: The Alden is still there but not the one you remember. a lot of the twq story hotels are gone. I used to stay at the Sandpiper.
Blix said on August 11, 2009
Oops. http://www.aldenbeachresort.com/map-directions/index.cfm
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
@Bookish: Gracias, querida.
Chillbear Latrigue said on August 11, 2009
I kind of feel like as a native of South Florida, I’m supposed to tell you, “Hey, Jonston, let me show you what the real Florida is all about,” but I’m not all that enthralled with the state myself. I sent you my info via private message though so we could hit the Abbey. Anyone else passing through this way, let me know. I’ll interview you and then send it to Virus for posting.
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
@Chill: I got your info but my PMs were not operational for a while there, so I guess you never got my reply. Anyway, as soon as the whole screaming baby in the next room situation settles down, I’d love to meet up for some beers!
CaptainFantastic said on August 11, 2009
Blix: That is not what I remember. I don’t know if the memory is bad or the hotel is different/new. Thanks.
Vaquero said on August 11, 2009
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bTjjS_palc
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
@VAQ: Thanks for that! I’d not heard that one before.
samuraipandapoetry said on August 11, 2009
BJ: In regards to Bud Light Lime: You saw the nail. You hit it on the head. I will now add Miami to the list of places I’d rather not.
uncivilly obedient said on August 11, 2009
The worst development in Miami has to be the Diamonds. They totally screwed up an otherwise nice stretch of Collins. The developer and the bureaucrat who approved it should be in jail for wantonly destroying natural beauty.
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
@Samurai: Thank you, my deadly poetic ursine friend.
uncivilly obedient said on August 11, 2009
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
@UO: Exactly! Here are a few pics of some motels on Sunny Isles, followed by a more recent picture of the travesty that it’s become.
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
Well, clearly I still don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve obviously been living in Miami for too long because I’m just getting stupider and stupider as the days go bye. Sorry y’all.
Chillbear Latrigue said on August 11, 2009
I remember those little motels. It was awesome landscape and what they have there now is an atrocity, but it’s kind of primo real estate being that it is on the beach and all. You can’t stop progress if it wants to be on the beach.
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
Progress is in the eye of the beholder, Chill.
Wrapitup said on August 11, 2009
It isn’t progress if it makes something worse. If something has changed from awesome to atrocity, then it has gotten worse. And you can stop it with a conscientious local government that ensures the protection of a common shared resource.
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
@Wrap: I love you, man (or is it babe?)! You said “conscientious local government!” That’s funny! The word “conscientious” is absolutely foreign to these climes. But you are right. Anywhere else “conscientious local government” is what one hopes would prevet these kinds of catastrophes from happening.
Maelstrom said on August 11, 2009
Oh BJ, if only you weren’t a married man! Agreed on every level. I was released on time served from Miami and it’s cousin Clark, Palm Beach County, back in December. Miami is LA without the talent, just the vapid exterior. Oh, and mean as a snake. Retirees will plow you down on the way to the pharmacy, literally. They haven’t had any place to be since 1975 but get in their way and so help you. The constant honking and aggressive driving cost me weeks off my life, and for what? Late to a plastic surgeon’s office? And the bar down there. Crookedest lawyers in the history of lawyering. Shakespeare was talking about them when he said kill all the lawyers. And scam capital of the world. The Nigerians are jealous. Yeah, fuck them.
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
@Mael: Thanks. Not all the lawyers are crooked. But a lot are. But yeah, it really is the scam capital of the world. The Nigerians come here to study. I think the local criminals hold seminars on how to rip people off and launder the proceeds at Howard Johnsons around the city. Probably. I’ll be sure to address the retiree scene in part 2.
LipstickLibrarian said on August 11, 2009
Sexy rant, Beej.
Every time I hear “mojito,” I think of Jason Schwartzman in Shopgirl: “It’s a moe-HEE-toe.”
And I hear you regarding “visionaries” tearing down historical gems in favor of condominium behemoths. Our Redevelopment Agency in the LBC is totally clueless. “Conscientious local government” my ass.
BJonston said on August 11, 2009
@Lipstick: Thanks, Lipstick. Glad you found it sexy. I never caught shopgirl. Gotta check it out. Is it any good?
samuraipandapoetry said on August 11, 2009
BJ: I’ve been meaning to tell you how much I enjoy the many different monikers you’ve given me. Cheers, sir, and sorry for the smokie snub.
Mama Penguino said on August 11, 2009
Same subject, different beaches: has anyone been to Virginia Beach lately? I went for a long weekend about 20 years ago and it was soo cute; it was lined with all these confectionary-sweet two-story hotels of the sort you are describing in “old Miami.” I really hope VB isn’t ruined, too. That said, the same kind of crap happens inland, too. I used to visit Aspen with my BFF in junior high school and her grandmother had a little house there and it was untouched and beyond gorgeous in its crisp coolness. Fast forward and it’s one of the most obnoxious places on earth: vapid tan people in day-glo snowsuits and Condo Hell. Why do people fuck up places of such enormous natural beauty? I had a professor who pondered such questions and you’ll laugh — I hope — that his biggest concern was the coasts would continue to fuck up their land and air and they’d keep moving inward until they were in Kansas!!! Noooooooo!
DahlELama said on August 11, 2009
@Mama P: No, but I’m actually planning on stopping there on the way down to NC on Sunday. I have no basis for comparison to 20 years ago, but I’ll let you know if I think it sucks!
Mama Penguino said on August 11, 2009
@DahlE: OMG, this is what it looks like now! Please e-mail me after you visit with confirmation!
Theda Bara said on August 11, 2009
You want to go to a bad beach, y’all? Check out Daytona Beach. Sad sad sad. (But Flagler is quite lovely)
I love mojitos–and mine are quite famous in my little neck of the world. A pitcher of my mojitos makes it a damn good night.
Wrapitup said on August 11, 2009
Yeah I was trying to clarify to Chill that I don’t believe that government is by definition the enemy, but corruption in government absolutely is. People who feel responsible for the upkeep of where they live are the ones who keep their local government conscientious.
Also, it’s likely that Miamians lacked the taste to see the cool old motels as being worthy of preservation. So it seems like they’re lame on two counts.
Mama Penguino said on August 11, 2009
You guys, here’s the Lake Shawnee Swimming Beach. Location: Topeka, Kansas.
LipstickLibrarian said on August 11, 2009
@BJ: I’d recommend it. It also contains one of my very favorite book/movie quotes:
Mama Penguino said on August 11, 2009
And this photo is listed on kansaslakehomes.com!!!
Blix said on August 12, 2009
Coscientious local government is my Suquahanna Hat Company. I haz a sad laugh.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlNZN94_u-s
BJonston said on August 12, 2009
@Blix: Beautiful. Joni is one of the best. And she was quite a looker back in the day. That was a perfect choice. Thank you.
Lolo said on August 13, 2009
Miami’s not perfect by any means, but you are deeply mistaken when you say that the postcard image is “the only thing.” There are thousands and thousands of people happily living out of the spotlight, supporting each other and creating a tight-knit art and music community. There are museums, non-profits, outdoor sports, indie theater, veggie restaurants and everything other metropolises have… it’s just not publicized as much as the boob jobs and bottle service and AK-47 shoot-outs in Overtown. We’ve got Art Basel (the largest art fair in this hemisphere), Winter Music Conference, and tons of other local cultural festivals. The government created a Bicycle Action Plan to make the city more bike-friendly, and even set a record for the most cyclovias where the streets of urban areas were closed to vehicles. We’ve got the gorgeous Fairchild Tropical Gardens, Key Biscayne, and the earth’s only Everglades right here. Plus art deco and MiMo architecture, huge scenes for Miami bass, noise music, folk (!), electronic and of course Latin music, and loads of other stuff you’d have to actually live here to know about. Call it the hothouse effect – unique specimens are born from geographically isolated areas and this is certainly the case here. Indeed, the perception of Miami that the media perpetrates is super annoying, but I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.
DahlELama said on August 13, 2009
Alice12? Comcast guy? Why does this keep happening?
BookishLookish said on August 13, 2009
@Lolo: I’m with you, babe. I love the entire state of Florida, and south Florida especially. Miami is fun and there’s tons to do, tons of action and tons of beautiful men to ogle.
Oh, and you forgot Monkey Jungle!
Vaquero said on August 13, 2009
Lolo =
BJonston said on August 13, 2009
Lolo: The Everglades are being drained to make room for more condos. We can agree to disagree. Miami is fine if what you want is bling and sunshine. But it’s too vapid for my taste. Too each his own, I suppose. But your point of view is certainly appreciated. We wouldn’t want this to be too one sided. Thank you for taking the time to stick up for Miami
Lolo said on August 17, 2009
Hi Bjonston, thanks for the reply and I will gladly to agree to disagree. The point I was making though, is that you can live a happy and fulfilled life here while successfully (and very easily) avoiding the vapidity and bling. It really is only a small fraction of what goes on here, but it’s what the lazy, gratuitous media clings on to the most. If you ever make it back down here I’d be happy to show you around the real Miami.
VoxPopuli said on August 17, 2009
I haven’t been to Miami for at least five years, but I’ve been several times and have friends there and liked it despite (and probably in part because of) its backwardness. I thought about moving there for a while but it wasn’t meant to happen. South Beach is a pretty strip of sand, but didn’t really appeal to me at all. I had no desire to scout out Fisher Island or its other posh cousins either. I like quirky and Miami definitely has lots of that.
I stayed with a friend in Little Havana for a while, where the neighbor had a rooster that woke me up every day. Sure, who doesn’t have that? Also, we decided to go bowling on a rainy day and part of the ceiling at the bowling alley collapsed from the rain. That will really mess up your game, as it turns out. It took us a few hours to get back to her house that day because our car also floated away in the newly formed canals where the streets used to be. It was like Venice – how can you argue with that?
Learning Cuban Spanish was fun. (Did you know papaya is dirty in Cuban Spanish and that you are to refer to the fruit as a fruta bomba or else you will create a scene? I know that now!)
It’s a shame about Sunny Isles – I hadn’t heard of it before. Those cute little motels can still be found in Key Largo, though, I hope.
Also – conch fritters, man! Those have to offset the mojito curse a little with their deliciousness, no?