I Wanna Be Your Dog

July 30, 2009 in I SHIT YOU NOT

As roughly 71% of you already know, I’m a cat person. No, I don’t change into a cat like Nastassja Kinski in the awful re-make of the Tourneur classic – well, not usually. I have no real underlying need to become a kitty. I’ve already got three of them, and although I enjoy mimicking their sleep patterns and love them dearly, that’s where the fascination ends. No. I’d rather be a dog. Your dog. Especially if you bought me a Snuggie.

Yes. A Snuggie. For dogs. There’s not really much else to say about it.

Tags: snuggies for dogs

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http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/monkeyrash/ monkeyrash

I need one of those talking dog tags for bar nights.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bigleggedwoman/ BigLeggedWoman

Anti-Stoogey.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/viruswithshoes/ VirusWithShoes

@BLW: Oh yeah? You can’t get more anti-stoogey than Iggy himself these days. Sadly.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYnydYrZPp8
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/viruswithshoes/ VirusWithShoes

@Monkeyrash: I’m terrified to think how many “Son of Sam’s” are going to be created out there once these collars get popular.

Personally, I’m tempted to buy a couple for the cats and play some choice audio of Linda Blair from The Exorcist into them. Really, just to see the reaction from someone hearing my cats telling them that their mother’s suck cocks in hell.
http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

Iggy needs hip surgery, Virus, and in this country, that ain’t free.

Where is this place where people lounge around in giant monocolored onesies and dress their dogs the same way and think that talking into a cheap electronic device will get their runaway pets home to them safely again? Because that commercial looks like a combination of futurekitsch and Somaville.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/voxpopuli/ VoxPopuli

Someday everything in everyone’s home will be covered with a snuggie and the house itself will actually be in a giant snuggie that traps the occupants inside. They haven’t noticed because they’re content playing Wii Sitting all day and consuming pizzas that are delivered through the mail slot.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@Vox: I don’t get the allure of the snuggie. Everyone in our house is naked or half-naked at all times. One of Mr. P’s first nick-names for me was “Old No-Pants Last-Name-Here” because I refused to wear anything but underwear on my lower half while putzing around the house. When Little P walks in the door after our evening commute, she shucks off all her clothes and spends the rest of the evening naked. It used to be disconcerting seeing her little naked body at the dinner table or suddenly seeing a pair of smooth, perfect bottom cheeks flying through the air during a leap off the sofa or a cartwheel. Actually, a snuggie might be perfect to have around in case the doorbell rings.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

Vox, I think you just described my dream existence.
http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

@MP: Yes, we are a naked and/or half-naked family too. I tend not to show too much skin in public (don’t want to cause any accidents), but at home, sure, strip on down. Under my influence, my husband is naked a lot more than he used to be. My kid is naked practically all summer. I live in a city but I have some high trees and a high solid fence around my property and my immediate neighbors are all good people. Why would you wear a bathing suit to swim in your own backyard or clothes around the house when you don’t have to, especially if you reside in a perfect little five-year-old body?
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/smitros/ smitros

“I’ll put you in a Snuggie, my pretty. And your little dog, too.”
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/strawberry-shortcake/ Strawberry Shortcake

excellent! I have been looking for ways to guarantee that my dog is the only male companion I will ever have and I think matching Snuggies may be the answer to our problems! Now we can watch our Golden Girls dvd collection in peace
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@SS: Thank you for the chuckles! It reminded me of how my sister will not miss CSI or SVU or BFD or whatever the hell show it is and her cat sits on her shoulder the entire time like a fat furry parrot. She’s very lonely for male companionship but on her last date wore mom jeans and a black short-sleeved mock turtleneck with hideous beige sandals (my niece and I had told her what to wear but she changed at the last minute). When she called us at 9 p.m. to say she was home, my niece and I just looked at each and shook our heads. By all means, the snuggies will keep you free from human men.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/strawberry-shortcake/ Strawberry Shortcake

MP-The mock turtle neck is the best form of birth control. No one wants to fuck a paraplegic turtle! NO ONE!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/smitros/ smitros

@Strawberry Shortcake:

I think a tour of Craig’s List might change your mind.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@SS: I know! Why did she do that? She hasn’t had sex since her divorce NINE YEARS AGO. I’ve tried to steal that mock-turtle (did you notice it has short-sleeves?) to destroy it, but she practically cries to keep it. She says it’s comfortable and feels like “her.” She’s tall and gorgeous with long, long legs, really pretty blonde hair and big boobs. If she’d work it, it would work!
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/strawberry-shortcake/ Strawberry Shortcake

MP- Nine years! you could have fallen out of ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down but if your have tits and vag and the willingness to have sex you will! So for a beautiful woman to remain “untouched” that long is horrible! does she want to become an nun?
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@SS: No, she’s had the desire, but she’s hidden herself away. She’s been that mom who lives 24/7 for her kid. She talks a big fight, but her days and nights are spent either at work, with her daughter, or with me and my family (or a combination thereof). She’s the mom who does PTO, the school carnival, etc. She’s tried match.com, but she can’t think of anything to say when she gets a hit or a plink or a poke or whatever the hell it’s called. And she’s too honest. She shared her weltschmertz with one guy who wanted to meet her and he stood her up. She does not know how to flirt AT ALL and thinks it’s idiotic anyway. She will not entertain the thought of a sexy fling or a friends with benefits thing. She says she doesn’t know what she wants. Mr. P and I have set her up with his friends a few times, it’s been a disaster each time.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bigleggedwoman/ BigLeggedWoman

Virus did say he was a catty person.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/viruswithshoes/ VirusWithShoes

@MP: Send her to Scotland. She’ll make up in a week’s holiday what she’s missed in 9 years.

YES I’M STILL HORNY AND YES I WORK FOR THE SCOTTISH TOURIST BOARD.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

@Virus: She’s the broke sister, having spent her working life in non-profits (and an ex-husband who gambled away her retirement), but if I thought what you said was true, I’d send her in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/strawberry-shortcake/ Strawberry Shortcake

MP and Virus- I have heard that those gaelic boys go crazy for us yank girls. It certainly adds a tick mark into the plus column for my next vacation to be that way.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

“Hi, my name is Tilly. I live at 123 Main Street. Could you please bring me home.” A little piece of advice. Never fall in love with the woman in the commercial, go to the pound, rescue a little white fluffy dog, slap a dog snuggie and talking tag on a dog and try to pass the little bijon frise or whatever off as the actress’s dog without first knowing the city in the address. It is a complete fucking waste of time. Does anyone want this annoying dog and a pair of dog snuggies? I live in Florida.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/voxpopuli/ VoxPopuli

@MamaP: I am relating ENTIRELY too much to your sister. Except for the mock turtleneck and the kid. I was going to object to the mom jeans too, but I realized that I was wearing a pair today because it was gross and yucky outside and I was going to be working in near isolation for the day.

I didn’t think much of match.com and I also HATE to flirt – it’s so, so awkward. Seriously. I can’t say I’ve gone nine years, but I’m starting to think I will at some point.

If her ex gambled her retirement away, she’s probably afraid she’s going to meet another jerk and/or guy with problems. Me too – I’m sort of scared to date because the disappointment of realizing that I’ve landed another toad is just too much to even contemplate right now.
http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/unfun/ Unfun

Alright, i’m going to say this slowly, and clearly. DOGS HAVE FUCKING FUR/HAIR FOR A REASON. 95% of dog owners who put sweaters on their dogs are wasting their time and pissing me the hell off. I grew up with a pug who almost never wore a sweater, rain, snowstorm, sub-zero NY winter, what have you. He survived. My dogs now hate the fucking things, and they will not freeze to death during a 15 minute walk. In fact, they seem to relish the cold weather, and if I put them in a sweater, but rub against the wall like idiots and look generally very unhappy. Also, they don’t make most sweaters in size small fatass anyway for my pugs. If it is 60 degrees outside and your dog is in a sweater, I fucking hate you on sight.

A dog would gladly vomit on that snuggie, piss on it and put it aside. He doesn’t want to wear that, and if he does, your dog is a pussy. And no one likes a pussy dog.

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