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Also, I’ve Never: In Which Nora Proves To Be Not So Naughty

July 28, 2009 in Also I've Never, Pure Thoughts

noradarling1. Fucked a virgin.
2. Had a threesome.
3. Spit, in lieu of swallowing.
4. Fucked a man whose name I did not know.
5. Participated in water sports.
6. Had successful phone sex. (IM all the way, baby.)
7. Been fisted.
8. Been with a woman.
9. Done it outdoors, in a public place, or in a pool/ocean/lake.
10. Screamed out a name.
11. Had a rape fantasy. (Which are completely normal, by the way.)
12. Pegged a man with a dildo.
13. Scratched my nails down someone’s back.
14. Sustained a sex-related injury (not counting bruises and general soreness).
15. Failed to have an orgasm when a man comes inside me *without a condom.

*Discovered during a monogamous relationship. I maybe a dirty slut, but I’m a responsible dirty slut.

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  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    [aroused]

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/viruswithshoes/ VirusWithShoes

    You’re so missing out on the whole fisting thing.

    Just sayin’

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/viruswithshoes/ VirusWithShoes

    @BJ: Hah!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @VWS: Sweet talker.

    @BJon: That makes two of us.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

    I am shocked–utterly shocked! And a little turned on, naturally…

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    [Ok. Even more aroused, now.]

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/berightback/ berightback

    Oof. I have done 1, 4, 5, 6, and 9.

    I was, however, a virgin until 24. I guess I made up for lost time?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    Oy, participated IN water sports!

    Virus, I’ll let you fist me if you fix that.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    I find no. 15 devastatingly arousing. Still. I’ve already read it like seven times. Still turns me on. Very nice.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/viruswithshoes/ VirusWithShoes

    @Nora: Fisted, sorry, I mean fixed!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    [Yup. Still aroused.]

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    7. Interestingly one of my hands is larger than the other due to a mis-healed breakage, so I can offer something for different tastes. I don’t recommend the larger hand.

    10. What if the person was far away?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @BRB: I was 21. Late bloomers, us.

    @BJ: The thought is driving me crazy right now. I hope to experience it again.

    @Chill: I’m intrigued.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @Nora: Yeah, that’s what I do. Throw out a line about my freakishly large hand and just watch the curious ladies line up. It’s a real chick magnet. Sometimes, I will go to a club and act like it’s so heavy that I have to drag it around. Other times I will go to a bowling alley and make a big show out of demanding the management give me a specially drilled ball.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    [still. aroused.]

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/voxpopuli/ VoxPopuli

    Sigh… I’ve done 1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 13 at least. But now I live like a nun, so it all cancels out.

    Seriously, number 3 – no one needs to do that. Be in it to win it, suckers. (Literally suckers.)

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    16. Masturbated with anything but my hand or sex toys.
    17. Fantasized about someone else during sex.

    @BJ: My work here is done.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/korainhell/ korainhell

    I’m envious of #15. Other than that I’ve done six of the 17. If not remembering a man’s name counts for #4 then I’ve done seven. Age 21. Also.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/misspeacock/ MissPeacock

    Reading this makes me all too aware that I’ve not gotten laid in several months.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

    Wow, feeling much better about 23…also, Vox, your life sounds friggin fantastic. I’ve only done two of the above, and they’re not the fun ones.

    Oh, and I share in Kora’s sentiment–totally envious of 15.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

    Small clarification: “rape” fantasies are really domination fantasies. By its very nature and definition, rape is nonconsensual. It’s like me saying I have assault & battery fantasies where I imagine someone horrible with a knife or gun demanding my purse and even after grabbing it, kicks the shit out of me.

    I’m with you but for the rape fantasy (jesus, I can barely even type it together) and the sex in public places, etc. Trust me, there’s nowhere as awful to make love than a swimming pool. It hurts.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    Mama P: I agree re rape fantasies. But not re your assertion that pool sex is awful. Challenging? Yes. Painful? Not necessarily. At least not as far as I could tell.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/helmangiraffe/ helmangiraffe

    Um, will add myself to the list of ladies who is quite envious of #15.

    Also, BJ, stop saying the word “aroused”, please. Some of us have work to focus on.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    Sorry Helman.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/captainfantastic/ CaptainFantastic

    When I lost my virginity, the young woman didn’t know I was a virgin. Do you think she suspected something when the trumpet players appeared out of nowhere?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

    @BJ: Maybe it was Mr. Penguino’s pool technique? In any event, it was late, my bra sunk to the bottom of the pool — damn underwires — and my adorable 8 year old cousin found it the next day. (My grandparent’s pool, hence the family affair.)

    @Helman, et al.: Yes, number 15 is amazing to me. I’ve never had an orgasm that wasn’t linked to direct clitoral stimulation (jesus, it’s too early for this). And yes, BJ, I have to read a bunch of boring legal crap but all I can think about is your arousal!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/captainfantastic/ CaptainFantastic

    Underwater sex bad. Something to with the incompressibility of water.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    @Mama P, Captain: The secret is to avoid unnecessary hydraulics (and thus sidestepping the whole incompressibility of water issue) by focussing on pressure rather than friction and using the least amount of movement possible to achieve the desired result. Less is more. And patience is a virtue. You can’t be in a rush.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

    @CapFan; BJ: Gettin’ all science-y up in this piece. Pant, pant!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/smitros/ smitros

    Re #6:

    The problem with phone sex . . . is the chafing.

    [I'll be here all week.]

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @MP, BJ: I’m gonna stick to “rape fantasy.”

    By its very nature and definition, rape is nonconsensual.

    Of course, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fantasize about it.

    The last comment on this post sums it up better than I can.

    More here.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @MP: It’s never too early. God, I miss morning sex.

    Re: #15. I was surprised and delighted when I noticed a pattern, although it did get us into trouble. Low sperm count, my ass.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

    @Nora: That’s certainly your prerogative. I just can’t imagine anyone fantasizing about being raped. My own rape was so awful and humiliating and included a long chase through a wooded area — think about dealing with that kind of fear for over an hour; just as I thought I was hidden well and safe, there he was — and culminated in being thrown down on the hard ground by a tree, having my jeans and underwear ripped from my body (by this time I was exhausted and had decided to give in, so to speak) and having my virginity torn from me in a way that makes me a little sick even now. The worst part was how isolated I was and how nobody heard me scream and cry. I was seventeen and never the same. Not really the stuff of fantasies.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/captainfantastic/ CaptainFantastic

    Nora: ‘low’ doesn’t mean ‘no.’

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    @Mama P: No longer aroused.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/captainfantastic/ CaptainFantastic

    Mama P: That’s extremely dreadful.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @MamaP: God, that’s so awful. I’m sorry.

    @Capt.F: I don’t understand.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    Nora, darling, I think Captain F means that a low sperm count doesn’t mean there’s no sperm count.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/captainfantastic/ CaptainFantastic

    Nora: regarding sperm count; it only takes one!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    [still not aroused.]

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @CF: Ah! No kidding.

    @BJ: Go read the Micro-Fiction Roundup. :)

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/mama-penguino-2-2-2/ Mama Penguino

    I’m sorry, guys. I didn’t mean to fuck this up. Nora, your list and your comments were all funny and wonderful and life-affirming. Everyone knows what people mean by rape fantasies and I apologize for taking it to the extreme and then dumping my personal story on you. I am really sorry! I think this ought to be it for me today. No one’s fault but my own and damn it, now I’m bawling. xxoo

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

    @MP: OK, I am repeating myself, but I am still in awe of you for not having that human killed.

    The word is “consent.” When you have that between you and the person you’re having it off with, anything goes. Being forced to do something you want to do anyway. Going places that are terrifying to you, but you like the feeling of being terrified, and you’ve got your safe word and it is monosyllabic and easy to say even with the stereo blasting and your partner cooing filthy words in your ear…

    As for me, my favorite flavor is vanilla and my nickname has always been “Mish,” as in “missionary position.” Someone please add a smiley face here.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @MP: I’m so sorry! And you most certainly did not fuck anything up. Thank you for sharing. (Not to sound trite. Really.)

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

    @MP: Don’t cry, honey. This needs to be made clear. Just sorry it had to be your suffering that made it so.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/strawberry-shortcake/ Strawberry Shortcake

    I am saving my water virginity for Micheal Phelps ( yes I still have an obsession with him). I am trying to get those assholes at make-a-wish to help with this but they have some issue with the fact that I am not dying just horny.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

    @SS: Explain the obsession, if you will. I am so immune to him but want to understand.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    Bookish: I have to assume it has something to do with his 12-pack and the fact that he has zero grams of body fat.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lipsticklibrarian/ LipstickLibrarian

    @BL: It’s a shame about his face.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/strawberry-shortcake/ Strawberry Shortcake

    @BL well I have always had a thing for tall, dark and kinda goofy looking guys. and my lust was really solidified at the Olympics when he did that victory flex and I lost count of how many abs he has and got lost in the grand canyon of his “man v”. plus the energy and stamina he has….. sigh i would drink his pool water

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

    @BJ: I favor a bit of cushion for the pushin’, actually. You know, not a beer gut, and abs are pretty and everything, but it’s not a prereq. But I guess he has some stamina going for him, and that is always an admirable trait.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

    @SS: I hope you also have a superlong torso or it’s no kissing during the deed for you, sweets.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    Nothing like a post that starts with “Fucked a virgin” to really get those juices flowing and the pageviews pouring in, eh?
    Nice job, Nora, darling. I love this thread.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/helmangiraffe/ helmangiraffe

    BJ: Ahem. Keep you remarks about juices flowing to yourself, buddy.

    SS: Am with you on Phelps, sister. It’s that little area just above the speedo that kills me.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @BJ: Thank you.

    I’m sure the photo of my tits doesn’t hurt, either.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/voxpopuli/ VoxPopuli

    @Nora: I had no idea that was actually you!
    Every time I see that picture I think … hey, I like that nail polish shade. I wonder what it is? I think many of the other wordsmokers may be focusing on something else.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/misspeacock/ MissPeacock

    @Mama P. I know I’m late to this, but I just wanted to tell you how brave I think you are for putting what you did out there. I volunteered as a victim’s advocate for our local Rape Response center a few years ago and I met many, many rape victims right after their attack and held their hands while they were being examined by the nurse. We gave them hot showers and new clothing and underwear and tried to be a comfort to them where we could. I will never know where they got the fortitude they had, but it was certainly admirable.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @Vox: It’s called, quite amusingly, Berry Hard.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/voxpopuli/ VoxPopuli

    @Nora: Heh. That’s great.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/unfun/ Unfun

    I had a sex at a nude, mostly deserted, beautiful, rocky beach in the Mediterranean off the coast of Spain.

    I’m going to tell that story every time I have the chance, for the rest of my life.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    @Unfun: That was you?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/unfun/ Unfun

    I’ve also had lots of anal for some reason. Something to do with my ass, and it being nice, or something.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    @Unfun: It was you!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/unfun/ Unfun

    Alright BJ, very funny. Don’t make me whip you.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bjonston/ BJonston

    @Virus: BTW, I love the tag for this post: “Fisting, FTW!”
    Awesome! (Sorry Mama P. I need an adjective fix when I can’t get the painkillers and ‘awesome’ is some serious adjective crack.)

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/helmangiraffe/ helmangiraffe

    Just a reminder that the micro-fiction contest this week is very on-point! And, Unfun, I haven’t seen a submission from you yet.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @BL and @BJ: Did you overlook the possibility that Strawberry Shortcake lives on an island in an archipelago? If so, then Phelps’ skill set would come in handy. Or it could just be the explanation that she provided.

    Damn, I was late with this comment.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/strawberry-shortcake/ Strawberry Shortcake

    CL-well Brooklyn is on Long Island which is in a sorta archipelago. I don’t really want him swimming the east river to get to me though

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @ SS: Nonsense. I’ve already made the arrangements. He will swim to get you and bring you to his swinging love nest on Staten Island.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/dahlelama/ DahlELama

    Helman: There’s no submission from you either! Or from most of the regulars. Come on, people–let your freak flags fly!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/strawberry-shortcake/ Strawberry Shortcake

    CL-he probably would live on LI just for the hopes of developing webbed hands and feet and you know what I wouldn’t even care!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/unfun/ Unfun

    I’m thinking about submitting. Maybe I’ll do it later when I’m half-catatonic from doc review for 10 hours today. I fear what might erupt from within.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ tilltheclockspeaksup

    I’ve done AT LEAST 5 of those…

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/helmangiraffe/ helmangiraffe

    Dahl: I don’t think I have it in me. But I will have a think about it.

    Also, Nora, re: 16: do you mean to tell me that you never got off on those ropes you had to climb in gym class in junior high? Everyone watching you climb and wondering why you were so eager to climb all the way to the ceiling? No, that never happened to me either.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @Helman: I never had to climb a rope! I did notice an unfamiliar, yet not-unpleasant sensation while playing on the bars in grade school, but I was twelve years old before I knew what I was doing, and started doing it delibarately.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/helmangiraffe/ helmangiraffe

    Nora: Bannisters also work quite well for the ‘tween girl. So I have been told.

    Also, I never did 8, either. In college, the brain said “yes”, but the body said “no.” And re: 9, this surprises me. You should rectify this immediately. Park benches work well for this purpose. As do alleys and, most excellently, libraries.

    I am with you, however, on the water thing. Ouch. And 13: Do people really do this? Why?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ tilltheclockspeaksup

    Oops, I misread 15, so definitely add that to my list… and 11, if we’re widening it to include “domination fantasies” as well… hadnt really done that much before today. :0
    and 8′s in also, if we’re talking just making out and shit. i feel no desire to scissor me timbers, at this point in time. So if im doing my math right thats eight, i’ve done eight outta the fifteen
    but i’ve still got plenty of time in my life to get around to the rest of them, whether i want to or not! haha

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/helmangiraffe/ helmangiraffe

    Dahl: Ok, I did it.

    Unfun: Your turn. Please focus on the anal sex.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/maelstrom/ Maelstrom

    I’m feeling a whole lot like BJ here. (Virus, where are all the online porn ads now?) How did I miss this? Okay, eh hum, I’ve done 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14 (if hitting one’s head counts). Oh, and 16 & 17 (who hasn’t imagined Daniel Craig’s 357 pressed against the small of your back?)

    Mama Penguino, agreed on the definition of 11. And, you are so brave to talk openly about such trauma. love love

    But, no list could really be complete around here without an 18. Spanking, right?

    The men are going to have to explain 7. I get the fun of anal, as Unfun points out, but 7, really? I can put a pencil in my nose, but why?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/noradarling/ Nora Darling

    @Mael: Oh, I’ve been spanked plenty.

    With regard to #7, I was referring to vaginal fisting.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/maelstrom/ Maelstrom

    I should add that I was a 19 year old college freshman before the fun and games began for me, and I retired from R rated activities when I joined the spinster club long ago. Although, I’d love to be an honorary member of the dirty sluts. Will there be t-shirts?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/fishnetsandcigarettes/ Fishnets & Cigarettes

    I’ve done 4, 9, 16 and 17, which, i think, makes me quite boring. 15 I think I misread – i think it just happens “differently” for me.

    You can add anal to my list of never dones. I guess it’s a generational thing.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/josiegroper/ josiegroper

    Wow, what a list!! Interesting reading folks…

    Mama P, sorry about what you went through. Nobody deserves that.

    As for me, I am still a virgin…

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ tilltheclockspeaksup

    Yikes, I forgot 16 & 17… Chalk 2 more up for me…

    and let’s just NOT get started on anal!..

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/chillbearlatrigue/ Chillbear Latrigue

    @JG: I’m still a virgin too. A non-flaccid, pokey, reattached virgin.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/bigleggedwoman/ BigLeggedWoman

    I hereby nominate Nora Darling for a “Pokey” – in part for the brilliant list and also of course for the hits and comment quotient.

    Please, can we have a “Pokey” category in time for Microfiction XI? Please, can we?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/josiegroper/ josiegroper

    @CB Glad to hear I am not the only virgin on the boards here…

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/maelstrom/ Maelstrom

    Uh, hello, what am I chopped liver? Virgin here, too. The Virgin Mary to be exact. (Pay no attention to the blond child calling me mommy.)

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/josiegroper/ josiegroper

    I just thought it would be easier to go the virgin route than to add to the list of what I have or have not done sexually… At least Maelstrom you opted to be the Virgin Mary… puts you on a pedestal anyway!

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/fishnetsandcigarettes/ Fishnets & Cigarettes

    Unfun: I once (not, twice, I admit it) had sex on a crowded beach at the Jersey Shore in broad daylight. Quaaludes were involved.

  • http://wordsmoker.com/help/members-3/lipsticklibrarian/ LipstickLibrarian

    @JG: You could be the Virgin Connie Swail.

    @Fishnets: I always wanted to try Quaaludes. Do they still make those things?

  • http://wordsmoker.com/ BookishLookish

    @LL: In Europe.