Wordsmoker

What can one say about your President Ford Mustang Obama? The ladies want the sex with him. The men want the sex with him. Pets want to run with him in the wild, Vladimir Putin wants to love-judo him, H-Rod Clinton wants to kill him still and Sonia Sotomayor probably regrets taking his call. OK NOT REALLY, SONDRA. Because everyone living has at least the faintest of pulses, everyone wants a piece of Obama – especially John McCain, an old warmongering fool who once made a lewd gesture towards him during a televised discussion about the values of arable farming in Nebraska, Texas (I had the sound turned down on my TV during that discussion, but I’m an expert lip-reader) and which, of course, formed part of last year’s corn-gate scandal.

Of course, Peps0dent Obama has his failings – the whole “wine into blood into economic recovery in Somalia” shtick he tried last week at the G8 was only the latest in an apparently unending series of transubstantiation failures surrounding his administration. But what has been kept quiet since Bono inaugurated him earlier on this year is that Barack Obama has latent psychic abilities – psychic abilities that are only, slowly yet surely and quickly, yet assuredly coming to fruition out of the blue.

The evidence:

February 2009 – No Elbow Room: Vice President Joe Biden, stumbling through the West Wing of the White House while thinking about a peach, bumps his elbow off of a door frame that just happened to be there. Only seconds earlier he had cracked a joke with Obama about fly-fishing. Obama didn’t get the reference initially, and when Biden left the Oval Office, Obama found himself fuming about Biden’s fishing joke, and sat at his desk staring at a pencil with barely controllable rage. Seconds later Biden’s elbow hits the door frame – a door he’d walked through 16 times before without sustaining even the slightest of serious injuries.

March 2009 – Pigeon Dropping: Malia Obama draws a picture of some birds using crayons. Obama enjoys the scene she’s presented, but finds the lack of detail on some of the parakeets disappointing. An hour later a pigeon explodes in Chicago, blinding two.

April 2009 – Cheese Ankle Sale: While shaking hands with some Americans he met in a diner in a photo opportunity in Washington D.C., a reporter asks him a question relating to cheese. For a second Obama looks lost in thought, confused about dairy products – outside the diner, while getting off a bus, 37 year old Diane Whitlock, a mother of two and owner of three televisions, trips and sprains her ankle after being apparently “distracted” by a sale sign at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Later she recalls feeling a “burst of intense fear, like having a nightmare about seeing the beefy jowls of Rush Limbaugh at a close friend’s barbecue”. Prior to this, she’d never injured any of her joints while being surprised about the price of  bedding while disembarking public transport.

May 2009 – Rahm Jet Of Blood: After Obama hears Hillary Clinton’s grating, nasally laugh echoing down the corridor in the White House for one too many times that damned day, Rahm Emanuel’s nose starts bleeding profusely while he’s shouting at an un-named Senator for having an independent opinion. Emanuel later confides to a colleague

“…it’s like the mother-fucking flow wouldn’t fucking stop. Here I am yelling at this fucking fuck in a fucking bad fucking suit and suddenly all this blood starts spurting from my fucking nose. And you know what? I look across at the President, and he’s got this creepy fucking placid look on his fucking face. Fuck. Fuck.”

June 2009 – Die, Fly, Die: In the now infamous “fly-gate” murder caught on camera by CNBC, Obama apparently (and to all intents and purposes) swats a fly on his hand and kills it dead while outside the White House children play on swings and laugh without realising that their Commander-In-Chief is an insect killer. What slow-motion footage provided by Alex Jones and David Icke now shows is that President Obama’s hand doesn’t even get near the fly. According to Buzzipedia, the main resource of all fly and annoying insect information on the internet, it’s patently impossible for a grown human to swat a fly without the use of laser targeting or carefully angled ground-penetrating radar. What appears to have happened in retrospect is that Obama’s rage at the persistent fly caused him to think about it dying, which it then did - and which, in a moment of panic, Obama tries to cover up by vaguely moving his hand at great speed and accuracy towards it. Then he giggles an insane laugh as it lies, dying on the floor of the White House – a floor that slaves built for Nixon. What isn’t shown in any of the available footage is that soon after this “fly-tipping point”, all the cameras explode in the room like they do near the end of “Raiders Of The Lost Ark” and some of the CNBC production crew melt.

July 2009 – Tele-Pre-empting Disaster: The latest evidence of President Obama’s burgeoning evil psychic abilities is the most vivid. Again, on camera, while he is reading words and speaking them aloud using only his mouth, Obama notices a typo in the speech rolling up slowly in front of his eyes. The typo is the seventeenth in little over a week from his 12 year old speechwriter, Jon Favreau, who has admittedly been “distracted” by his excitement over “Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen” and it’s porn-faced co-star “Megan Fox”. Obama tries to control his rage at the misspelling, but his horrific “Hawaiian” upbringing has pushed him to the edge – while he is looking directly at it, the teleprompter explodes in a shower of glass and letters and falls to the floor, beyond any normal definition of repair. Obama tries to play it cool, and through gritted and hate-filled teeth, says “Oh goodness” and “Sorry about that, guys” when it’s patently obvious that women are in the room too. Cameras catch the shards of glass lying in front of his podium as he continues his speech, while in the White House kitchen all the knives fly off the racks and embed themselves into several innocent chefs, pinning them onto a fridge door and a cork-based noticeboard.

So what are we to make of all this evidence? The little we do know about Obama’s mother does show that she bears a slight resemblance to Piper Laurie in that she was also female, had hair on her head and owned a house in which she would frequently stay in. We also know that during his senior prom in Hawaii, Barack Obama was voted “King” and approximately 195 of his classmates died in a mysterious fire in the auditorium while he walked home wearing only a blood-soaked dress which several biographers try to pass-off as “normal Hawaiian attire”. No-one knows what happened when he went home to see his “mother”, but later on that evening Amy Irving visited a graveyard and Obama’s arm came out of the ground and everyone jumped.

What we do know is this – the evidence is slowly mounting up, and that one day John Travolta will die.