Wordsmoker

Welcome to the latest edition of the column that goes behind the scenes to unearth the real news, the facts they don’t want you to know, from the adamantly addled to the willfully windy. This week we’ll share some little known White House gossip, sensitively explore some theological subtleties, and solve that pesky same-sex marriage conundrum once and for all. Also, a little Beatles trivia to start off your week!

Remember in April when the 747 from the Air Force One fleet buzzed lower Manhattan and Jersey City, F16s in tow, scaring the bejesus out of so many of us? Well, President Obama was on the plane, and the Air Force jets were preventing him from landing. What we witnessed were evasive maneuvers that the Air Force One pilot took when one of the F16s “locked on” to him. Obama was scheduled to meet with Russian and Chinese officials to reveal vital information about how the global influenza epidemic is actually a bio-weapons attack engineered by a Mexican drug cartel working with al Qaeda. But if they were regular readers of this column, they would have known that already. Obama could have saved himself a heap of trouble if he had insisted on keeping his Blackberry.

Rahm Emanuel was placed under house arrest by the Joint Chiefs of Staff for deliberately inciting a Swine Flu panic in support of President Obama’s plan to declare martial law in the United States. Or maybe Emanuel just gave them the finger. Fun “fact:” the Swine Flu virus can be turned on and off by means of nanotechnology!

The Obama administration wants to eliminate the concept of marriage entirely and replace it with more neutral civil licenses. This would get around the problem of Prop 8 and religious objections to same-sex marriage. Douglas Kmiec of Pepperdine Law School, who raised the idea, is described not only as an advisor to Obama during the election campaign, but, in fact, his “surrogate.” (No word on how Michelle feels about that little arrangement.)

Pope Benedict XVI is a dangerous heretic who is guilty of apostasy for his embrace of infidels. Dude said Muslims worship and believe in the one true God! He said holocaust denial will not be tolerated in bishops, thereby requiring the faithful to believe what “the Jews think happened” during World War II! Freedom of conscience and religion is heresy. “To promote that any person must be able to choose whatever false religion he likes, and therefore damn himself to Hell, is to promote apostasy.” But it’s all good. Being a heretic, Benedict is no longer the valid Pope. So in case you’ve been recently laid off, or are just looking to change careers, the job’s open. (Sorry, ladies – men only.) Room and board included. Youthful indiscretions – such as membership in organizations committed to genocide – cheerfully overlooked. Celibacy optional.

The science behind evolution is so far-fetched that it can only be understood as a conspiracy on the part of those who philosophically oppose the existence of God. Theories of stellar and planetary evolution are based on nothing more than pure faith. All that really hard math in astrophysics textbooks? Meaningless drivel.

John Lennon’s pact with Satan explains the Beatle’s meteoric rise and continued popularity. Capturing the Zeitgeist of a generation and penning unforgettable tunes had naught to do with it. Lennon’s Faustian deal lasted 20 years, until he was murdered by Mark David Chapman, who later claimed to have been possessed by demons. But as we all know, Stephen King really killed John Lennon, so this theory doesn’t hold water.

Till next time, write to me at renesance1 (at) gmail (dot) com if you have any tips to share. Or if you’re interested in the pope job. I’ll do what I can to hook you up. I’m told the job is based in Italy, but there may be opportunities for working from home.