Also, I’ve Never – Eaten A Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
May 11, 2009 in Also I've Never
In the entire 26 years of my life, I have never eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Often, when I tell people this, they look at me like I am out of my goddamn mind. Similar to the way one might look at a paedophile. I would like to clear the air once and for all and explain why it is that I missed out on this childhood milestone.
When I was about 4 years old, I became completely terrified of wet bread. I was at a family party in someone’s backyard and they had ordered those couple of foot long submarine sandwiches that you get for the super bowl. Anyhow, I was given a piece that had been left out all day much like the food at the deli ( which i refer to strictly as a dysentery bar). Because oil and vinegar was on it, the bread had become soggy and turned pink. Upon eating this rank turkey and Swiss combo, I proceeded to spew. From this moment on, I would forgo all recipes calling for wet bread, such as the aforementioned peanut butter and jell and also, sloppy joe sandwiches.
I have been told numerous times that due to the actual texture of the peanut butter, this sandwich ultimately is not wet. This apparently involves crystallization and physics, things which I am too slow to understand. To be frank, unless I could be assured that there was a 100% chance of complete and utter dryness, I just don’t think I can take the chance. Hopefully this little confession will make me seem less like a creep, but more of a victim of Blimpie’s carelessness. Please don’t judge me for my phobia, I would do anything to eat it. It sounds delicious!
Baby not covered in shit but peanut butter image via citypages.com
(Is there something that you’ve never done that everyone kinda assumes that you would have done? Would you like to confess this in a public forum? Then why don’t you shout about it in a public library, just before closing, ya freak? Yeah – do it, do it DO IT. Okay, if you’d rather write about it in a ready sort of way, then send your confession to mail (at) wordsmoker (dot) com or the older email address I can’t be bothered to reproduce here and my ice cream is melting so get to it, sexy legs.)