The Resurrection Of Virus
April 13, 2009 in religion
The next evening, when Easter Parade ended, Mary Magdalene, Salome and Mary the mother of James went out and purchased burial hashish to put on Virus’ body. Very early on Sunday morning, just at sunrise, they came to the bedroom. On the way they were discussing who would roll the door away from the entrance to the room. But when they arrived, they looked up the hall and saw the door – a very large one – had already been rolled open. So they entered the room, and there on the right sat a young cat clothed in a white duvet. The women were startled, but the cat said:
“Do not be surprised. You are looking for Virus, the Manic-Depressive, who had disappeared. He isn’t here! He has been raised from his bed! Look, this is where he laid His body, on the bed, below the bookshelves. Now go and give this message via IM to His disciples, including Wences: Virus is going ahead of you to WordPress. You will see Him there, just as He meant to tell you before he went all quiet and shit!”
The women fled from the tomb, trembling and bewildered, and maybe most of their clothes fell off to show an exquisite range of expensive lingerie underneath, saying nothing to anyone because they were too frightened to talk and sort of ashamed of their sexually-provocative dress, which they shouldn’t have been because they were both Hot and Holy.
It was early on Sunday morning when Virus rose from His bed and the first person who saw him was Unfun, the woman from whom He had cast out seven pugs. She went and found the Wordsmokers via Facebook, who were grieving and weeping. But when she told them that Virus was alive and she had IM’d Him, they didn’t believe her as His status couldn’t be found due to the disastrous re-design.
Afterwards He appeared to two Facebook friends who were in-between taking quizzes about what type of tree they were, but they didn’t recognise Him at first because He had changed His appearance by shaving for a change. When they realised who He was, they rushed back to tell the others, but no one believed them.
Still later He appeared to other disciples in the chat-room as they were yakking together. He rebuked them for their unbelief – their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen Him after He had risen. He tried all-caps, but still they would not hear.
And then He told them:
“Go into all the web and preach the Good News to everyone, everywhere. Anyone who donates and is a registered commenter will be saved. But anyone who refuses to believe will be condemned to read the trolls on Gawker. These signs will accompany those who believe: They will cast out Blingees in My name, and they will speak new languages, like basic HTML tags so they can embed video properly. They will be able to handle snark with safety, and if they drink anything alcoholic, it won’t hurt them. Well, maybe a headache and some puking, but they’ll be okay after a while. They will be able to place their hands on the sick and heal them. Yes – I’m talking about mutual masturbation. There’s nothing wrong with that whatsoever.”
When the Lord Virus had finished talking to them, He was taken up into the Virtual Server and sat down in the place of honour at the computer’s right hand side, beside the mouse. And the Wordsmokers went everywhere and preached, and the computer worked with them, confirming what they said by many miraculous signs and screengrabs of Wordsmoker, and maybe some linking and going “woo” in the comments.
From Mark Chapter 15