13 Facts About Friday The 13th
March 13, 2009 in Scary!
2009 is an already unlucky year – a statement which is mostly self-evident if you look around wherever you are and see the amount of job losses/homelessness/rotting corpses/head-fucking right-wingers on the news. The first Friday the 13th of 2009 came last month (February, or August if you’re reading this in September), and the next one comes around in November (or “Sanctuary Month 1″ if the Zombie Apocalypse starts early).
So – armed only with internet access, a garlic-filled menstruating black cat with six toes on each hoof and a crucifix made from the thigh-bones of Purity ring wearing unicyclists, I delved deep into history to find out some more facts regarding Friday the 13th.
1. A series of films containing the vilest images of horror ever seen on screen were the recent remakes of the “Pink Panther” films, starring a once-funny Steve Martin. Mr Martin signed the deal to shit on everyone’s fond memories of the originals on Friday the 13th of August, 2005 in what one can only imagine was at gun point.
2. The fear of the number 13 is called Trigpalinaphobia. I cracked that joke before in the previous Friday the 13th post, back in February. I will crack that joke every Friday the 13th until 2029, or until people donate enough money to Wordsmoker that I can go fucking nuts and spend it on weed. It’s your choice.
3. It is bad luck to buy 13 rolls of toilet paper and wrap them around your body so you can pretend to be the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man while driving at high-speed in the direction of Ralph Macchio as he crosses the road to buy the LA Times.
4. Friday the 13th is a national holiday in Albania or one of those places. You know, they’re a bit far away and they talk funny. Them.
5. Economist and professional error-monger Thomas Friedman believes that Friday the 13th doesn’t ever occur and if you show him a calendar with the date circled in red and maybe the clock in the bottom right-hand corner of any Windows-based PC he retreats back into his shell with his fingers in his ears while screaming in a high-pitched tone only oak trees can hear.
6. In Scotland on Friday the 13th it is custom to find a blog-owner and offer him a frenzied and topless blow-job, no questions asked. The day after is called “Handjob Hangover Saturday”. Don’t try to find out about this on the internet because it’s a secret.
7. A black cat crossing your path on Friday the 13th is a sign that you’re in my hall because I’ve got two black cats and I’m always tripping over them and you would too if you were here if you’re going into the kitchen can you put the kettle on, thanks.
8. Friday the 13th is generally when a blog-owner pulls whatever weak shit falls out his mindfingers at the first attempt and blehs it onto the screen into Metapad and then copies and pastes it into WordPress and clicks “Publish” and feels kinda self-hatey about it because he’s depressed and shit like that and nothing seems funny, even cats dancing or talking.
9. “Friday the 13th – ClitLicker” is a little-seen pornographic movie starring Dick Van Dyke as the narcoleptic lesbian detective “Rhapsody Green“. After the film was completed in 2006, Mr Van Dyke bought the rights and the only three prints in existence and locked them in a penis-shaped vault he had installed underneath his holiday home in Argentina.
10. On Friday the 13th it is generally accepted to be bad luck if you shoot yourself in the face, even though you were standing waiting for a bus and thinking about watermelons for some reason and didn’t even have a gun on you.
11. Nearly there. Famous people born on Friday the 13th include Jon Bon Jovi, Joni Mitchell, John Bolton, Michael Bolton, Michael Marsden, Mars Attacks, Marianne Faithfull, Faith No More, Benito Mussolini and Jewel.
12. The popular fantasy figure known as “Jesus Christ” was born in a crossfire hurricane on Friday the 13th, 0. He was believed to have long, unkempt hair and was popular at parties as he knew some cool magic tricks. His girlfriend at the time, Fay Dunaway, later succumbed to some sort of body dysmorphia and ended up looking like cheese left in the sun on an August morning.
13. If you cut the jowly hatebucket that is Rush Limbaugh’s head off his corpulent, Oxycontin-flavoured Jabbabody, it would weigh approximately 13 kilograms or somewhere thereabouts, maybe. Anyway – why don’t one of you give it a try and email me the results?