Wordsmoker

1. You know that really cool, hip, hilarious and true thing you read on the Internet that one time, that made you howl and rotfl and forward it to thirty friends? The one that made you tear up a little bit at its evocativeness, and nod at its wisdom? You know, the most well-scripted lolcat evah? Yeah … that was mine.

2. “So, my nigga,” said the President, passing the joint back to me. “I’ve got a two-point plan to save the economy. Point One, everybody gives you all their money. Point Two, you look after it real good.”

3. Construction of the Scrooge McDuck cash vault/swimming pool = coming along great!

4.  “But dig this,” I said, passing the joint back to George. “What if he’s named after a Midwestern state, and he uses a motherfuckin’ bullwhip?”

5. Before you flame me in the comments, rest assured my “lost decade” among the stick-fighters of Bali, quietly assassinating the special forces dispatched to root me out, was not time wasted.

6. “It’s called a mute,” I told Miles, as the humble metal cylinder reflected the hookah’s glow. “You put it in your trumpet.”

7. I will not brag of my sexual conquests. Those 7,482 fortunate women, whose every chakra was unknotted by my vigorous kundalini power, know who they are. I can only apologize to my fellow heterosexual men that so many of them chose to turn lesbian, often with me watching, rather than sleep with another male. In this way they experience a simulacrum of my tender empathy, without the sensation of my tempered-steel manhood.

8. “You know who’s hot, in a mopey-eyed kinda way?” I said, passing the joint back to Heath. “Jake Gyllenhaal.”

9. My manhood is not really tempered steel. It is a mimetic poly-alloy. It also vibrates and maintains the exact temperature of your grandmother’s fresh-baked bread.

10. My last three job interviews went horribly wrong when the HR manager was bitten by the cobra snake I wear for a necktie.

11. “Check this out,” I said, passing the joint back to Hans. “What if your indestructible robot body has a million fingers, and each of those fingers has a million fingers, and each of those fingers …”

12. “But I can’t,” she whispered, as I laid her back upon the satin duvet and caressed her ebony skin. “How would it look in the press?”

“I am the press, my darling,” I assured her. “Your every secret is safe with me.” My fingers glided lower. “Your every secret.”

Her moan was a languorous music. “But the children,” she whimpered, reflexively stroking my mimetic poly-alloy. “My husband …”

“He’s watching from the closet, Michelle,” I said. “Besides, I’m his nigga.”

13. Once, while levitating in a deep samadhi trance, I watched free atoms at play in my near environment. I amused myself by telekinetically binding hydrogen to oxygen until a puddle of water materialized above my head and splashed me out of my meditation. Since that day, I have occasionally contracted with major hydrocarbon polluters to hover in full lotus above their smokestacks, converting greenhouse gases to useful knockoffs of designer eaux de toilette.

14. Personally, I was a little pissed that Def Leppard didn’t release all twelve Hysteria tracks as singles. “Gods of War,” baby … “Gods. Of. War.”

15. “Love it,” I said, passing the manuscript back to Roth, along with the joint. “Could use more masturbation, though.”

16. Lester Bangs once watched me type a 5,000-word review of Blondie at CBGB in fifteen minutes, shook his head in sad envy, and downed another shot of Nyquil.

17. “VALIS, meet Phil,” I said, loading the bowl. “Phil, VALIS.”

18. Are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I’m the goddamn Batman.

19. “So, my niggaz,” I said as I boarded the starcraft, while the little gray biped on my right torched me up a blunt. “Let’s see some of this hyperspace shit.”

20. I can help you with that mole. You know the one.

21. I can transmit my pheromones through the Internet. Scratch here.

 

(Send your 20 (actually 21 – comedy!) Lies About Me to wordsmoker (at) gmail (dot) com. Remember to include your credit card details and a valid cow)